Homer's Laugh House

[Homer]

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Vampire


10. Once a week a Domino's guy enters, and doesn't leave

9. Claims his back never felt better since switching to Sealy Posturepedic coffin

8. Always seems sad when you wear a turtleneck

7. You see him getting stake in the crotch on Transylvania's Funniest Home Videos

6. He's lived in that house since 1783

5. Opens can of Hawaiian Punch with his teeth

4. When you bring up the 200 bucks he owes you, he turns into a bat and flies away

3. Comes home from Sam's Club with a picnic-sized container of human blood

2. Well, there's the "Vampires Do It Upside Down" bumper sticker

1. He's pale and creepy, but he ain't Michael Jackson

[justahumping]

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Vampire

<SNIP>

1. He's pale and creepy, but he ain't Michael Jackson

lmao  love it

[nightperson]

 
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat
and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks
from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was
walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat
40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway,
there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
 
"Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that SOB on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!" 
 

[IndianLover]

 
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat
and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks
from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was
walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat
40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway,
there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
 
"Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that SOB on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!" 
 

lmbo, I like that it was cute  :)))

[Monkey]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and  good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened
to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when

the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all

day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping
at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.

[CindyLouWho]

REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS


Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


***DINING OUT ***


 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.


2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant
may not have dogs.


***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***


1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.


2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
manners are.


***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.


2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
however, if you live alone, deodorant is just a waste of money.


3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


***DATING (Outside the Family) ***


1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.


2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."


3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.


Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


4.Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as,
"ya
sure don't sweat much for a fat gal."


***WEDDINGS ***


1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.


2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.


3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit or a clean
bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.


4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.


5. It is not appropriate ( nor a complement ) to tell the groom how
good
his wife is in the sack.


***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***


1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.


2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest 
tires
always has the right of way.


3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.


4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is  impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.


5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.


6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***


1. All the DNA is the same.


2. There are no dental records

[Homer]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
 :)))

[Homer]

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

16. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

17. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

18. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

19. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

20. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

21. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

22. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

23. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

24. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

25. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

[Monkey]

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

16. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

17. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

18. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

19. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

20. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

21. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

22. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

23. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

24. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

25. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

 :)) 7, 9, 12, 17, 22 and 25 are my favorites.  :))

[Homer]

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!  >>:D

[.]

 :)) :'(( :))  laughin so hard Im cryin  :oo shame on u.. I bet you wrote that yourself... that is hilarious...

[Homer]

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts although still silent stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
 ?.? :)))

[.]

 :D  :'(( I can hear the farts all the way here.... ur too funny... that's halirious too

[Homer]

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."  :o

[.]

 <:>  :D You have too much time on your hand tonight.  Where is Tara?  I better call her and tell her Homer in on the forum jokin his  :o0 off.