Some reasons why the English language is hard to learn...
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system...
Simple Duties
You make the bed...................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets........................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings.......+5
But return with beer...............................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night...........................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something................+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....................................+10
It's her father...................................................-10
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly...........-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts..........-5
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical............-5
Something she can't use...................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane..............-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday.............-40
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip..............-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost..............-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town........-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.........-25
You know them.........-60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?".................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding............-10
You reply, "Where?"...........-35
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression......0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV........+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep.............-20
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party..........0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy........-2
Named Tiffany....................-4
Tiffany is a dancer...................-6
Tiffany has implants...................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly...........+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump..........-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"................+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"......-6
That woman is her sister....................-90
You have one drink, and that's it................0
You have more than a few & perform the tango with a poodle.........-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted....-18
Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together.....................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car....................+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar...................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it....+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional....0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk .............+3
Most of it chips and beer ..............-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den............+15
Or refinishing the floors......................+16
Or rewiring the basement....................+17
Or adding a second floor................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket.......-6
And you're tickled pink about it.....................-15
You visit her parents.....................0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation ..............+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television ........-3
And the television is off........................-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear...........-6
And you didn't even go to college..............-10
And it's not your underwear....................-15
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner....................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...............+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.........................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night....................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar player.........+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing.............................+4
If you stink.............................+2
If you're not half bad........................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause...........-2
You give her a gift........................0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance.............-10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance ...........+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate..................+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months..........+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........-10
With her credit card...............-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big..........-40
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely.......................-20
You forget your anniversary.....................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...........-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey...................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.............-60
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal ...........................-5
And the pal is happily married ...................-4
Or frighteningly single ....................-7
And he drives a Mustang....................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)...............-15
You have a few beers.................-9
And miss curfew by an hour.................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call....................-20
You get home at 3 am....................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...........-40
And not wearing any pants......................-50
Is that a tattoo??.................-200
Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work...................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late.................+10
You wait up.......................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed..........+20
A Night At Home
You watch TV together.................0
You rent a movie...............+2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...................+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout.............+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep.......................-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool.............-2
A Night Out
You take her to a movie........................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...................+6
You take her to a movie you like.................-2
It's called DeathCop 3.......................-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...........-15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................ 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself..........+30
And she contracts Lyme disease....................................-25
I personally don't have problems with it, lol. :))
i do if i have been drinking :)) :))
Good grief...you would spend the whole day reading this and nothing would get done.. :)) :))
this is meant to be an "at your convience" joke lol
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 10:03:10 AM
Good grief...you would spend the whole day reading this and nothing would get done.. :)) :))
Ditto what ^ she said!! :))
that's ok, it is still funny. :))
Wouldn't it be easier just to have HIM cook...you clean the mess up...throw a movie in the DVD player..get your autos going on Pogo...watch a movie...have some drinks...have some awesome (edited for children under 13) and be happy? O0
I think this should be the new pogo help form. :))
Another all day reading one!! :))
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in
a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Quote from: bubblegum on April 15, 2006, 10:08:10 AM
I think this should be the new pogo help form. :))
Good idea bubble!! :))
;D
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) That was a good one
i almost didnt post this because i thought someone might think that :))
well my guy cooks and then some......... :)) :)) :)) :)) O0 >:D
:))
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 10:07:48 AM
Wouldn't it be easier just to have HIM cook...you clean the mess up...throw a movie in the DVD player..get your autos going on Pogo...watch a movie...have some drinks...have some awesome (edited for children under 13) and be happy? O0
OR you can do it my way ... Cook .. clean up after yourself ... Turn on the Autos .. watch the movie you like .. have some drinks ... Hmmm no under 13 edits, Never mind I like your way Tara!
i owe someone on here my 4th born grandchild for the S word :))
Quote from: krispy on April 15, 2006, 09:39:37 AM
What Men Mean....
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling!
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...
"What did you catch me at?"
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
Theres some good ones in there but these are my favorites
Quote from: ClingFree on April 15, 2006, 10:14:42 AM
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 10:07:48 AM
Wouldn't it be easier just to have HIM cook...you clean the mess up...throw a movie in the DVD player..get your autos going on Pogo...watch a movie...have some drinks...have some awesome (edited for children under 13) and be happy? O0
OR you can do it my way ... Cook .. clean up after yourself ... Turn on the Autos .. watch the movie you like .. have some drinks ... Hmmm no under 13 edits, Never mind I like your way Tara!
Lmaooooooooooooooooooo
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 10:16:13 AM
Quote from: krispy on April 15, 2006, 09:39:37 AM
What Men Mean....
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling!
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...
"What did you catch me at?"
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
Theres some good ones in there but these are my favorites
Good choices Tara!!
turn on autos...bowl of cereal...rinse the dish...order from the liquor store...lay in waiting for delivery boy..............
Quote from: krispy on April 15, 2006, 10:17:22 AM
turn on autos...bowl of cereal...rinse the dish...order from the liquor store...lay in waiting for delivery boy..............
You mean like an ambush?? :))
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D
I can see someone else bought a new joke book today...but I'm not mentioning any names >:D
:))
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 10:29:38 AM
I can see someone else bought a new joke book today...but I'm not mentioning any names >:D
:)) :)) :o :)) :))
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 10:29:38 AM
I can see someone else bought a new joke book today...but I'm not mentioning any names >:D
:)) :)) :))
Quote from: Helen on April 15, 2006, 08:36:10 AM
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 07:29:42 AM
Quote from: Helen on April 15, 2006, 07:11:12 AM
Quote from: sweetpeach on April 15, 2006, 07:08:22 AM
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 06:48:48 AM
You poor blonde people...I feel so sorry for you....NOT !!! :)) :))
Like I always tell my husband...the only dumb blonde Ive ever met are the bleached ones and usually their original hair color was burnett or black...LOL So I always use the term "Ive had a burnett moment" (no offense to any fake hair colored people. ) LOL
What are you talking about fake hair colored people?? If I paid good money for it it's certainly not fake!!!! :)) :)) :))
lmao...My daughter is blonde and when I get frustrated at her ( for stuff like looking for the package of chicken that I am fixing to cook in the pantry ) I always say " I will be so glad when your hair turns brown"
Ummmm, you said that "S" word again. You know, I never really noticed how much you used it till you pointed it out!!! Now pay up!!
Lmao...I sure did say it again...Im probably losing out on alot of money around here,if I can't even catch myself using it. :-\
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 10:52:25 AM
Quote from: Helen on April 15, 2006, 08:36:10 AM
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 07:29:42 AM
Quote from: Helen on April 15, 2006, 07:11:12 AM
Quote from: sweetpeach on April 15, 2006, 07:08:22 AM
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 06:48:48 AM
You poor blonde people...I feel so sorry for you....NOT !!! :)) :))
Like I always tell my husband...the only dumb blonde Ive ever met are the bleached ones and usually their original hair color was burnett or black...LOL So I always use the term "Ive had a burnett moment" (no offense to any fake hair colored people. ) LOL
What are you talking about fake hair colored people?? If I paid good money for it it's certainly not fake!!!! :)) :)) :))
lmao...My daughter is blonde and when I get frustrated at her ( for stuff like looking for the package of chicken that I am fixing to cook in the pantry ) I always say " I will be so glad when your hair turns brown"
Ummmm, you said that "S" word again. You know, I never really noticed how much you used it till you pointed it out!!! Now pay up!!
Lmao...I sure did say it again...Im probably losing out on alot of money around here,if I can't even catch myself using it. :-\
You sure are woman. Better get with it. Oh, you have to pay yourself double when you say that "S" word!! I think that was in rule 445 or 446. :))
(https://img478.imageshack.us/img478/8796/chocbunnies3tj.jpg) (https://imageshack.us)
lol :)
Quote from: WhitePanther on April 16, 2006, 12:00:15 PM
(https://img478.imageshack.us/img478/8796/chocbunnies3tj.jpg) (https://imageshack.us)
LOL thats cute
Now where was that when I lived at school? That is funny but true sometimes!!! :))
:)) :)) :))
lol :)) :)) :)) :))
sounds like a fair system to me
eeh whos gonna keep a scorecard? lol ???
Quote from: hades on April 16, 2006, 11:56:41 PM
eeh whos gonna keep a scorecard? lol ???
Show me a man who would do 10 things on the scorecard .......... ::)
Edit...Because I should of said 10 things to earn points >:D
Quote from: Tara on April 17, 2006, 05:28:17 AM
Quote from: hades on April 16, 2006, 11:56:41 PM
eeh whos gonna keep a scorecard? lol ???
Show me a man who would do 10 things on the scorecard .......... ::)
Edit...Because I should of said 10 things to earn points >:D
*raises hand...
Mr. Foxx.
*runs and ducks from the shoes flying at her head...
mine would easy.....he took a personal day today...because I asked him to...I had to work (just 4 hours) yesterday plus he took to me to the hospital after work to see our new nefew(born @ 4pm easter day).....he was also pretending to be interested in all the babys in the nursery......then i asked him to stay home today so we could just hang out together on the sofa watching movies.....and to my surprise he did.....he hasn't taken off a day from work in over a year so it was a great surprise.....hes outside now testing the brakes on the mountain bike I bought from a friend.....yup he's wearing the helmet he made me buy at kmart too.....my hubby is truely a one of a kind guy for sure!!
Quote from: KsArt on April 17, 2006, 05:50:37 AM
mine would easy.....he took a personal day today...because I asked him to...I had to work (just 4 hours) yesterday plus he took to me to the hospital after work to see our new nefew(born @ 4pm easter day).....he was also pretending to be interested in all the babys in the nursery......then i asked him to stay home today so we could just hang out together on the sofa watching movies.....and to my surprise he did.....he hasn't taken off a day from work in over a year so it was a great surprise.....hes outside now testing the brakes on the mountain bike I bought from a friend.....yup he's wearing the helmet he made me buy at kmart too.....my hubby is truely a one of a kind guy for sure!!
They're all "one of a kind"!! Just depends on what "kind" you're looking for, lol. :))
Quote from: Helen on April 17, 2006, 06:54:15 AM
Quote from: KsArt on April 17, 2006, 05:50:37 AM
mine would easy.....he took a personal day today...because I asked him to...I had to work (just 4 hours) yesterday plus he took to me to the hospital after work to see our new nefew(born @ 4pm easter day).....he was also pretending to be interested in all the babys in the nursery......then i asked him to stay home today so we could just hang out together on the sofa watching movies.....and to my surprise he did.....he hasn't taken off a day from work in over a year so it was a great surprise.....hes outside now testing the brakes on the mountain bike I bought from a friend.....yup he's wearing the helmet he made me buy at kmart too.....my hubby is truely a one of a kind guy for sure!!
They're all "one of a kind"!! Just depends on what "kind" you're looking for, lol. :))
LMAO :)) :)) :))
nope gotta dissagree there are many many men cut from the same mold....my daughters boyfriend for one....the controlling type doesnt want her to have a job or any friends doesnt even like her talking to her own family practicaly doesnt even want her to leave the house without him....weird....I pray everyday she gets the courage to leave (they live together) or to put her foot down and make some changes.....and like I say there's a lot of guys out there that are exactly this same way in how they treat their woman....I will never understand these types of guys....they have issues for sure I know that
i counted thirteen id do ;)
there should be another one for the guys :)
Quote from: foxx on April 17, 2006, 05:41:04 AM
Quote from: Tara on April 17, 2006, 05:28:17 AM
Quote from: hades on April 16, 2006, 11:56:41 PM
eeh whos gonna keep a scorecard? lol ???
Show me a man who would do 10 things on the scorecard .......... ::)
Edit...Because I should of said 10 things to earn points >:D
*raises hand...
Mr. Foxx.
*runs and ducks from the shoes flying at her head...
Foxx, Punkin ... You do realize my shoe is already half off right?
Quote from: ClingFree on April 17, 2006, 07:50:03 AM
Foxx, Punkin ... You do realize my shoe is already half off right?
lmao...I've been with my share of idiots in my life...I deserve this one!
Quote from: hades on April 17, 2006, 07:49:16 AM
i counted thirteen id do ;)
there should be another one for the guys :)
Really? Enlighten us with the 13 you would do...
Quote from: krispy on April 15, 2006, 10:17:22 AM
turn on autos...bowl of cereal...rinse the dish...order from the liquor store...lay in waiting for delivery boy..............
:)) :))
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
----------------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
-------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
-----------------------
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
---------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
-----------------------
What do you call fish with no eyes? Fsh.
----------------------
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
--------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
----------------------------
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
lol :))
Hippo .... Can I use deja moo? Or have you like trademarked it or something?
Quote from: ClingFree on April 17, 2006, 09:06:55 AM
Hippo .... Can I use deja moo? Or have you like trademarked it or something?
By all means, enjoy the moo!
Quote from: foxx on April 17, 2006, 05:41:04 AM
Quote from: Tara on April 17, 2006, 05:28:17 AM
Quote from: hades on April 16, 2006, 11:56:41 PM
eeh whos gonna keep a scorecard? lol ???
Show me a man who would do 10 things on the scorecard .......... ::)
Edit...Because I should of said 10 things to earn points >:D
*raises hand...
Mr. Foxx.
*runs and ducks from the shoes flying at her head...
Duck down....I think lightning just struck !!!
Quote from: hades on April 17, 2006, 07:49:16 AM
i counted thirteen id do ;)
there should be another one for the guys :)
I bet the 13 you would do would be the ones in the negative right?
The deja moo comment...i must use this frequently in everyday conversation. >:D
Madonna looks much better with the red hair. O0
Hey! Madonna's back! Where you been hiding?
LMAO...funny stuff
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) Thats was a good one :))
funny :)) :))
Another college letter home.
Dear Dad,
No mon.
No fun.
Your Son
Reply from Dad
Dear Son
To bad.
So sad.
Your Dad
:D :D :D Good one!! :))
:D :))
Quote from: krispy on April 15, 2006, 09:45:06 AM
Signs that you are too drunk would be...
Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
Hey! :oo
But other than that, they were great! Thanks :))
:D Pretty sad i can relate to some of those
i dont relate to any sad i guess i dont drink ;D oh my that is why help i needa drink :))
:)) :))
Great Reasons To Be A Guy...
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Gas (at either end) is cool.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
:)) :)) that was good
LoL, yeppers... they all are true!
:)) :))
:))