I love little Johnny jokes, some of you might know them as dirty Johnny Jokes.....
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"
"My goldfish died,"replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him.
"The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your effin cat."
Quote from: crazy_ on May 30, 2006, 09:10:04 AM
I love little Johnny jokes, some of you might know them as dirty Johnny Jokes.....
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"
"My goldfish died,"replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him.
"The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your effin cat."
:o Hee!
good one :D
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, "I think I broke his gambling". The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money." "DAMN!" said the father. "What's wrong?", the teacher asked. Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"
:)) wish i could earn money that way :o
nice :)
Little Johnny came home from his first day of school and said, "Mommy, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers and sisters who will be coming to my school. That's nice of her to take such an interest in your family, Johnny. What did she say when you told her that you are the only child? She just said, "Thank goodness!"
Quote from: crazy_ on June 04, 2006, 06:56:18 AM
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, "I think I broke his gambling". The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money." "DAMN!" said the father. "What's wrong?", the teacher asked. Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"
OMG too funny!!
that is cute
Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
:)) :))
Those are good ones Crazy. :))
another cute one Crazy
lol.another cool one.
that's something my stepson would do! lol
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
:)) :))
lmao...if Little Johnny was my kid, he'd be living with his grandparents!
lmao.nice one. :))
:)) that's too funny
:)) :)) oh that is :o wicked funny another good one crazy
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
The Sunday school teacher asked her class "when you die what do you think is the first part of you that goes to heaven?"
Little Suzy raises her hand..."I think it is our hands"
Teacher replies "why do you think that?"
Suzy "because we use our hands to pray so God takes them first"
The teacher is impressed...
Little Johnny raises his hand " I think it is our legs"
Teacher replies hesitantly "why do you think that?"
Johnny "I walked in on my mom and dad one day and her legs were in the air and he was on top of her and she was screaming OH GOD IM..... and if dad wasnt on top of her she'd be a gonner for sure!"
<admin edit: sorry had to edit out a word>
LMAO good ones ! :)) :))
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the effin difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
*edited cuz I didn't like the other joke*
Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out ... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"
lmao. :))
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Little Johnny: A Teacher
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Little Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Johnny. Always say, "I am."
Little Johnny: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Teacher: Johnny, how does B®ee spell "crocodile"?
Little Johnny: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Little Johnny: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how B®ee spells it!
:)) :)) good ones ! lol
Hippo did a funny! :))
good one :))
that was a good one :)) :))
another great one. ;D
It was the first day of third grade in a new state and town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Little Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's third grade, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
lmao.great. :))
:)) good one :D
One day Little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom what they were having for dinner.She said that it was a surprise and him and his brother would have to guess what it is after they try it.
Well dinner time came and they started eating it,but they couldn't figure out what it was.So Little Johnny asked his mom for a hint.
She said,"Okay,I'll give you a hint.I call your father this."Little Johnny said to his brother,"Quick Bobby, spit it out,its azzhole!"
lmao ... who doesn't like Little Johnny jokes!!! great ones, thnx for sharing!
lol nice one.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Emily; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's David, he's a doctor.'"
Little Johnny, at the back of the room, rang out, "And there's the teacher... she's dead."
lol. :)
Little Johnny needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks and nothing turned up. So he decided to write to God requesting the money.
When the postal worker seen the letter he decided to send it to the president. The president was so impressed that he told his secretary to send the boy a check for $5. He thought that would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Little Johnny was delighted with the five dollars and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read as follows:
Dear God, thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed you had send it through Washington. As usual, those losers deducted $95.
:))
lmao :))
Quote from: crazy_ on June 11, 2006, 09:34:51 AM
It was the first day of third grade in a new state and town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Little Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's third grade, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
BWAH! Coffee? Meet my monitor.
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents Little Johnny cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!" With that he headed toward the door.
His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
lol.
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the effing difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!
Quote from: crazy_ on June 18, 2006, 03:19:29 PM
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the effing difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!
Funny joke but you've already posted that one: http://www.pogocheats.net/forum/index.php/topic,25410.msg197930.html#msg197930
I thought it was funnier the second time. :o
scuse me .... try this one then
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
Quote from: crazy_ on June 18, 2006, 04:20:40 PM
scuse me .... try this one then
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
Ha ha ha, I like that one. That was a funny one. Very nice.
lol nice.
The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"
Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend." 8)
lol.
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, Little Johnny is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. Little Johnny greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
lmao.nice one. :))
They are all very nice! :P
must agree.
Little Johnny and Little Lisa are only 10 years old, but they know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Lisa's father to ask for his blessing.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Jones, me and Lisa are in love and I want to ask you for your blessing."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Jones replies, "Well Johnny, you're only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Lisa's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just cute, Mr. Jones says, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. How will you afford food and rent?"
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "With our allowance. Lisa gets 5 bucks a week and I get 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Jones is realizing that Johnny has put much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
He then says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you've got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should kids of your own?"
Johnny shrugs his shoulders and says "We've been lucky so far..." :ooo :))
lmao. ;D
Little Johnny came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed." little Johnny started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again the little Johnny started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little Johnny came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed." The little Johnny started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"
The little Johnny replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
lmaoo. :))
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Little Johnny replies, "A teacher."
lol. :)
Quote from: sierra on June 09, 2006, 04:18:27 PM
The Sunday school teacher asked her class "when you die what do you think is the first part of you that goes to heaven?"
Little Suzy raises her hand..."I think it is our hands"
Teacher replies "why do you think that?"
Suzy "because we use our hands to pray so God takes them first"
The teacher is impressed...
Little Johnny raises his hand " I think it is our legs"
Teacher replies hesitantly "why do you think that?"
Johnny "I walked in on my mom and dad one day and her legs were in the air and he was on top of her and she was screaming OH GOD IM..... and if dad wasnt on top of her she'd be a gonner for sure!"
<admin edit: sorry had to edit out a word>
yeah... edit it..... but it sure didnt stop me from gettin the full picture here... lmfaoz
now... jus why do I like this joke so much... (hmmmmm)
i wonder why... :-X
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy (Lil Johnny) raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says Lil Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
lmao. :))
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one.
"George , if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room," she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.
The teacher replied, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Bobby , how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table."
"And you Johnny , are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted
lol. :)
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"
lol. :)
that pur evil
and funny :)))
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother.
'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and said, 'I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without your long hair!'
lol. :)
lol :)))
love the Little Johnny Jokes
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
LMAO :)) :))
lol
lol. :))
Quote from: Monkey on July 29, 2006, 10:26:45 AM
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
I'm gonna use this one I just know it..... :))
omg that was good :))
:D very funny :)) :)))
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
:)))
OMG so funny :)) :))
:o now that was funny~! :))
lmao. ;D
:ooo omg
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said Johnny. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday" :))
i dont know if this was posted yet....cuz theres 7 pgs to go through still....but i thought this was...cute lol
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the cashier, Little Johnny, was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" Little Johnny turns, stares at her for a second, looks her up and down, smiles and says, "Not bad."
LMAO :)) :))
:)))
lol that was cute
lol. :)
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she's a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they're Cubs fans, too. Not really knowing what a Cubs fan is but wanting to be just like their teacher, the students launch their hands into the air. There is, however, one exception: Little Johnny doesn't go along with the crowd.
The teacher asks him why he's decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Cubs fan," Litle Johnny says.
"Then what are you?" asks the teacher.
"Why, I'm proud to be a Yankees fan," boasts Little Johnny. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Johnny why he's a Yankees fan. "Well, my mom and dad are Yankees fans, so I'm a Yankees fan, too."
The teacher is now very angry. "That's no reason!" she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
Little Johnny pauses, then smiles. "Why, then," he says, "I'd be a Cubs fan."
A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny Billy?"
"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?" "My goldfish died", replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
As Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
Quote from: xx_mandy_xx on August 22, 2006, 10:30:47 PM
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she's a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they're Cubs fans, too. Not really knowing what a Cubs fan is but wanting to be just like their teacher, the students launch their hands into the air. There is, however, one exception: Little Johnny doesn't go along with the crowd.
The teacher asks him why he's decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Cubs fan," Litle Johnny says.
"Then what are you?" asks the teacher.
"Why, I'm proud to be a Yankees fan," boasts Little Johnny. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Johnny why he's a Yankees fan. "Well, my mom and dad are Yankees fans, so I'm a Yankees fan, too."
The teacher is now very angry. "That's no reason!" she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
Little Johnny pauses, then smiles. "Why, then," he says, "I'd be a Cubs fan."
That was funny. The teacher is a moron. lmao
:))
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses."
lmao. :))
:))
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a pee!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a ten!"
lmfao :))
Quote from: leeanne172 on August 24, 2006, 12:01:16 AM
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a pee!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a ten!"
:o Holy effing chit
Quote from: leeanne172 on August 24, 2006, 12:01:16 AM
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a pee!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a ten!"
:)))
very funny :))
lol. :))
New G-rated johnny jokes lol
Teacher: Johnny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Little Johnny: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Little Johnny: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
Little Johnny: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Little Johnny: Your name on this report card.
An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?" One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer. Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot." The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think." "OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?" After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside." Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."
:)) Those are too cute!!
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Johnny returned from school and told his father that he'd gotten an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asked the father.
"The teacher asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6,'" replied Johnny.
"But that's right!" exclaimed his father.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'" explained Johnny.
"What the %@*!$'s the difference?" asked his father.
"That's what I said!!" replied Johnny.
Little Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they gave him an oral exam to make up for the test he missed.
The principal agreed so they called Little Johnny into the office and explained to him what they were going to do.
Then the teacher asked, "Johnny, what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"
Little Johnny replied, "Legs."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?"
Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."
The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"
Little Johnny replied. "Rome."
The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"
The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong"
:)))
lmao. ;D
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered:
"An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
"Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
"A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!"
very cute
do you every know that every joke just bout have the name johnny in it not every1 but alot of them poor johnny :)))
Quote from: nightperson on September 03, 2006, 12:55:02 AM
very cute
do you every know that every joke just bout have the name johnny in it not every1 but alot of them poor johnny :)))
ya man i gotta meet this johnny kid hes a real mess :))
Quote from: xx_mandy_xx on September 03, 2006, 01:14:03 AM
Quote from: nightperson on September 03, 2006, 12:55:02 AM
very cute
do you every know that every joke just bout have the name johnny in it not every1 but alot of them poor johnny :)))
ya man i gotta meet this johnny kid hes a real mess :))
you do huh ok let me know when you do and ask him why is his name in alot of jokes and story books lol
lol :)) :))
Quote from: wattsmyname on September 03, 2006, 03:05:11 AM
lol :)) :))
i think that should get aleast 3 of them watts :)))
lol. :)
Little Johnny came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied Johnny. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 's'."
:))
gotta love that little Johnny, never know what he will say or do :))
lol. :))
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it.
First kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat."
Second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys."
Next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh...."
Teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny."
Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll lay you odds ten to one Rayford don't ever spell electrician."
Little Johnny comes home with a homework paper to do. He asks his dad to help him write about the difference between theory and reality.
His dad sez, "Go to your Mom and ask her if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars." Little Johnny does as he is told, and Mom sez, "Well, yes, I suppose I would."
His dad then sez, "Now go ask your big sister if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars." Little Johnny does this too, and Sis sez, "Yes, I suppose I would."
Little Johnny and his dad then sit down, and Dad sez, "Now son, you've learned the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we're sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we're living with a couple of whores."
One day little Johnny asked his mother for a new bike. His mother said, "At Christmas, you send a letter to Santa to ask for what you want, don't you?"
"Yes," replied Johnny, "but it isn't Christmas." His mother said, "yes, but you can send a letter to Jesus and ask him." Johnny sat down with a pen and paper and started his letter.
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy and I would like a new bike.
Your Friend,
Johnny
He thought about this and decided to start a new letter.
Dear Jesus,
Sometimes I'm a good boy and I would like a new bike.
He thought about this and decided to write another letter.
Dear Jesus,
I thought about being a good boy and I would like a new bike.
He thought about this and decided that he didn't like that one iether. He left and went walking around depressed when he went by a house with a small statue of Mary in the front yard. He picked up the statue and hurried home. He put the statue under the bed and started his new letter.
Dear Jesus,
If you want to see your mother again, send me a new bike!
Your Friend,
Johnny
Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her.
She started to guess what was inside. "Chocolates?" she asked.
"Nope."
"A Cake?"
Johnny shook his head No.
Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."
"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."
Little Johnny's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Little Johnny enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the ten commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat Little Johnny answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Little Johnny: Big hands!
lmao. :))
lol :))
:)))
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"
Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.