Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who
puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the
Christmas spirit. In fact, if
you see carrots, leave immediately.
Go next door, where they're
serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you
can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare.
In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find
it any other time of year but
now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in
every sip? It's not as if you're
going to turn into an eggnog-aholic
or something. It's a treat.
Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think.
It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy,
use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand
alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano
out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the
volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always
ask if they're made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it's skim,
pass. Why bother? It's like
buying a sports car with an
automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before
going to a party in an effort
to control your eating. The
whole point of going to a Christmas
party is to eat other people's
food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should
you exercise between now and
New Year's. You can do that
in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll
need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound
plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something
really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies
in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them
and don't budge. Have as
many as you can before becoming
the center of attention. They're
like a beautiful pair of shoes.
If you leave them behind, you're
never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin.
Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat,
have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do
you get to have more than one
dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake?
Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories,
but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel
terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you
haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry,
January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey
to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive
and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand,
martini in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally
worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!"
Have an amazing day. :)[/left][/center][/left]