Thought I'd post a joke for the hell of it. >:D
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
hehe........
heres one for ya Homer, you probally seen this before
*The Poopie List*
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!
Yes, seen many variations of this. Nothing like a little potty humor.
Ever hear of prairie dogging it? ???
Quote from: Homer on September 03, 2004, 09:50:44 PM
Yes, seen many variations of this. Nothing like a little potty humor.
Ever hear of prairie dogging it? ???
I thought I Heard it all, but I guess not.. What is Prairie Doggin' it?
maybe we better not find out ;)
What's a prairie dog do? Pokes his head out the hole. :o
For those times when you find yourself unexpectedly running to the bathroom. LOL ;D
I never heard that one before, ;)
Quote from: Homer on September 03, 2004, 10:06:22 PM
What's a prairie dog do? Pokes his head out the hole. :o
For those times when you find yourself unexpectedly running to the bathroom. LOL ;D
OMG! LMAO I just spit my water out at the monitor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually I stole it from one of those National Lampoon movies. Forget which one. ???
Quote from: Dream Faerie on September 03, 2004, 10:07:50 PM
OMG! LMAO I just spit my water out at the monitor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hope you didn't short out your monitor. O0
Quote from: Homer on September 03, 2004, 10:10:04 PM
Quote from: Dream Faerie on September 03, 2004, 10:07:50 PM
OMG! LMAO I just spit my water out at the monitor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hope you didn't short out your monitor. O0
I go through so many monitors that way :-\
Good thing their down to about $75 for a 17 incher. :)
Quote from: Homer on September 03, 2004, 10:15:26 PM
Good thing their down to about $75 for a 17 incher. :)
;D
How about
CROP DUSTER POOPIE
Occurs when walking through a room filled with people and begins with long stream of gas and small poopie pellets.
NUT POOPIE
One of the - if not THE most painful poopie in the whole history of poopi-ing occurs when one has too much fiber and/or does not chew food finely enough.
UPPER-CLASS POOPIE
A very uncommon poopie that occurs after eating healthy foods and lots of nice water. It doesn't stink! WTF is that? A poopie that doesn't stink! Well, it should be in the protected ass group due to its near extinction and rare occurrences.
MEXICAN POOPIUS
A party poopie! This poopie explodes like a piñata and burns burns burns. It then continues to dribble and gurgle farts. It emits a vague picante aroma. A stimulating albeit mushy experience indeed!
SHOTGUN POOPIE
A poopie that is thought to be a fart while on the toilet, but it explodes violently with a loud gunlike fart and at least 12 poopie pellets shoot out. Anything in the toilet is brutally mauled.
DEAD DROP POOPIE
The biggest poopies of them all! A poopie so huge, so enormously deadly, it takes at least a dozen flushes, some jabbing, and praying to get it down. Referred to as the big brother of the Lincoln Log Poopie.
LITTLE NOISY POOPIE
A poopie that is the noisiest poopie in the entire history, bigger than the gassy poopie! Occurs after heavy drinking and bean eating. The only time these are expelled is when a violent FART takes place. This poopie usually lasts up to 5 hours!
Thanks for the laughs ;D
your very welcome
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
Quote from: Homer on September 03, 2004, 10:08:28 PM
Actually I stole it from one of those National Lampoon movies. Forget which one. ???
i know that from Rat Race.
Baked beans and their delightful tune
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
LMAO Duckie. O0 Somewhat predictable. ;)
Whats black and white and found in childrens pants?
A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit and let me
tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are
going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try and feel
your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most
important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with
you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will
disgrace our family."
With that bit of advice the granddaughter went on her date. The next day
she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted. Grandma, I
didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried I just turned over, got
on top of him and disgraced HIS family..." Grandma fainted!
A husband and wife decided they needed to use code to
indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their
children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go
tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mother what her dad said and her mom
responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter
right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy
that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and
announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter,
he already wrote the letter by hand."
Quote from: ef9n15 on September 05, 2004, 12:02:13 PM
Whats black and white and found in childrens pants?
I have NO Clue
Zebra undies? ???
a melted hershey kiss on a clump of cotton
ewwwww..... :o
it s just a guess, i don't know if its right or not
micheal jacksons hand ;D O0
Now this is funny
Heaven's New Policy
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
here we go again.....
Applying for a Job at the CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
(https://img90.exs.cx/img90/2969/0091.jpg)
When we lived there, my wife and I used to walk the beach a lot. One summer we noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. My wife and I assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but we didn't know for sure so we just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks my wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
I hadn't, and I said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lay out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and my wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to me and then leave. I walked up the beach and met her at the road.
"Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice.
"No, she's not." I said, enjoying this probably more than I should have.
"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" my wife fairly shrieked.
I smirked and said, "She sells 'C' cells by the sea shore."
:P >:D
That Johnny Is So Witty
One day a teacher told her students to draw a train on a railway track for homework. The next day when the teacher started checking everybody's book, she came up to Little Johnny. "Show me the homework," she demanded. Little Johnny showed the teacher his notebook with only a picture of railroad tracks. The teacher asked, "Where is the train?" Little Johnny then replied, "You came late so the train went away."
(https://img74.exs.cx/img74/1024/goodidea.jpg)
Family Feud One Liners
Flubs to answers given on the TV gameshow Family Feud
Name something that can kill a lively party: Guns.
Name something you might accidentally leave on all night: Your shoes.
Name an animal with 3 letters in it's name: Alligator.
Name something that dries up when it gets old: George Burns.
Something you put on walls: Roofs.
Name an article of clothing that children are always losing: Their pants.
Name something that some people do clothed that others do without clothes: Ride a motorcycle.
(I'm sure getty will like that last one. :P >:D)
Ali G's Sister is pregnant and has a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."
LMao!!!!!! Lmao!!!!!
A woman is just getting out of the bathtub when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500, and leaves. Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies. "Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"
In math class one day the teacher sees that little Johnny is daydreaming and decides to ask him the next question. " Johnny, if there are three birds on a wire and you shoot one of them, how many are left?" Johnny says none. The teacher asks him to explain. Little Johnny says, "If you shoot the gun it may hit one bird, but the others will fly away and so you have no birds left." The teacher smiles and says the answer is two, but I like the way you think. Johnny asks the teacher if she can solve a problem. The teacher is hesitant because she knows the way Johnny's mind works, but she agrees to answer the question. "If you have three women sitting on a park bench- one of them is eating a popcycle- one of them is licking a popcycle- and one of them is sucking a popcycle- which one is married?" The teacher blushes and says, "I guess the one sucking the popcycle." Johnny shakes his head no." It is the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"
LAST REQUEST... Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "Aye, That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
A guy walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for 4 double bourbons. As the bartender pours the shots, he says to the man, "Wow, you must be having a really bad day." "Yeah," the guys says, "I just found out my older brother is gay." He chugs the 4 shots and leaves. A few days later the guy walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender for 6 double bourbons. As the guy is chugging these down he says to the bartender, "You're not going to believe this, I just found out my younger brother is queer too." He finishes the drinks and leaves. A couple days later the same guy walks into the bar, sits down and orders 8 double bourbons. The bartender shocked, says, "Jesus Christ man, does anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah," says the man, "My Wife!!!!!"
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first." Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left." Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
Fun Things to Do at a Drive-Thru
1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
(https://img50.exs.cx/img50/5332/poor.jpg)
Looky at the kid in the middle
eww that dude looks like he's pregnant
haha, poor kid in the middle
o i didn't see the kid damn there gonna crush here poor baby :-*
R U BLIND ::)
i didn't c her b/c of the faties
oh ok, i thought u went blind on me or something :D
Quote from: ef9n15 on September 05, 2004, 12:02:13 PM
Whats black and white and found in childrens pants?
(https://img.villagephotos.com/p/2004-8/795259/JAKO.jpg)
eww ;)
ewww looks like a mokey
Fix This
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
President Bush's approval ratings continue to fall.
He will use an upcoming 30-second ad to discuss his economic plan.
In this duration, he can explain it three times. :P >:D
__________________________________________________________
How To Travel With The Kids
Blindfold the children and tell them that you're taking them to the "Batcave."
You can ship a 40 lb child UPS 2nd day air for around $60.00, but don't forget the air holes.
When you get on the plane, ask your child if he or she remembered to pack their parachute.
Sit them back-to-back, facing away from one another, and go to town with the duct tape.
For every sugary snack your kid eats, take a Valium pill.
Instead of singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall," you drink 'em.
During the school year, keep them up at night so that they fail and get held in summer school.
monkey* lol oops
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
:P
This Land is Your Land Click On It! :)
(http://www.jibjab.com/default.asp)
A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy. :P
lol
;D lol
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Wherever you left him.
2 guys was sitting at the bar on 30th floor of a skyscraper. The First guy says you know being up so high you can jump off the balcony and the wind currents will blow you back up here. The Second guy says your full it, if fact I'll wager $100 that if can't be done!! So the first guy puts down his drink walks over to the balcony take a good look down and Jump. OMG the second guy says as the first guy falls a good 20 floors. Then as he predicted the first guy comes back up and land safely on the balcony. The second guy totally amazed says WOW it does work. I have to try that so he hand the first guy $100 for losing the bet and precedes to jump. a few seconds later splat! he hits the sidewalk below. The bartender seeing all this, say Superman your mean when you drunk!
LOL
Heckling in the courtroom had constantly interrupted the trial, and the judge had had enough. "The next person who interrupts the proceeding will be thrown out of my court!" he said severely, at which the defendant yelled, "Hooray!" :P
______________________________________________________
How many ducks would there be, if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two ducks, and two ducks behind two ducks?
Scroll down for answer. :P
Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a row.
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.". :P >:D
LOL
Rugrats
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
lol i like those ones ;D O0
every gotta pick on the ducks ???, hehe
Categories of Farters
Antisocial Farter: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
Bruise Farter: One who farts so hard and loud that he bruises his butt cheeks.
Dishonest Farter: One who farts and then blames the dog or the kid.
Female (Dishonest) Farter: They let you think they don't fart until you marry them.
Lean Farter: One who has to lean to one side to let a fart out.
Honest Farter: One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.
Sadistic Farter: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bed covers over his bed mate's head.
Strategic Farter: One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.
Syllable Farter: One who only lets one puff at a time.
Martha Stewart vs. Homer
Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Homer's way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
Homer's way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
Homer's way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
Homer's way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
Homer's way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
Homer's way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
Martha's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
Homer's way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Homer's way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
Homer's way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.
Martha's way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Homer's way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
Martha's way: Place a slice of apple unhardened brown sugar to soften it.
Homer's way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
Martha's way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
Homer's way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
Martha's way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
Homer's way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
Martha's way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Homer's way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
Martha's way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces
Homer's way: Leftover wine?
Martha's way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Homer's way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
Martha's way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
Homer's way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
Martha's way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
Homer's way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
That about sums it up. :)
School Paper Blues -- Things Kids've Written Down
The parts of speech are lungs and air.
Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
Why Why Why?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Mangled Manhood
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
Bush & Kerry's Haircut
G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
The End of the Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons, when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of Indians. They start to spur their horse forward, when they realized that there are hundreds of Indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of Indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realize they were surrounded.
The Indians had spread out and they were trapped. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says, 'Tonto, my friend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together, but now I think we are doomed.'
'We?' replied Tonto. 'What's all this 'we' crap, Paleface?'
Two Blondes in a Fire
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire, and go out onto their balcony looking for help.
"Help, help!" yells one blondes.
"Help us, help us!" yells the other.
"Maybe it would help, if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other.
"Together, together!"
Product Warnings
"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.
"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
Lesser Known Dog Breeds
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by . . . oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
Quote from: Homer on October 13, 2004, 06:14:18 PM
Product Warnings
"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.
"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
Add one to that....
"If swallowed get medical help or contact Poison Controll Center right away" -----Tube of toothpaste.
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Bigger pic: http://www.cs.princeton.edu/~eschmidt/p/funny/america_world.gif
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You mean there are other countries? ??? LOL j/k
Heel Rover, HeelNo foul language, but this is a religious joke--be warned. >:D
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
_____________________________________________
The Real Man Test Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
-*-*-*-*-*-*-
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control
The Stress Diet
This is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST:
Grapefruit
1 Slice whole Wheat Toast
8 oz Skim Milk
LUNCH:
4 oz Lean Broiled Chicken Breast 1 C Steamed Spinach
1 C Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 Pts Rocky Road Ice Cream, Nuts, Cherries and Whipped Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
DINNER:
2 Loaves Garlic Bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of Coke
1 large Sausage, Mushroom and Cheese Pizza
3 Snicker bars
LATE EVENING NEWS:
Entire frozen Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
RULES FOR THIS DIET:
1. If you eat something and no one see you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.
haha thats cute :D
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bull dog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence can be my topdog." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough." The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please." She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough." Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
>:D
The Facts About the . . . Uhhh . . . Fairer Sex
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand."
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
Cigarette Warnings for Men
[/b]
Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment."
Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this:
* Warning!: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?
* Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.
* Warning!: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
* Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
* Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.
* Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is... if you're capable of conceiving any.
* Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.
* Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?
* Warning!: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.
* Warning!: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.
-----
CHURCH LADIES & TYPEWRITERS
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands..
5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
a conflict.
6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
7. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
8. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
9. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
10. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.
11. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
13. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
14. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
15. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
16. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled.. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
17. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
18. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.
19. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment and gracious hostility.
20. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
21. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
22. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
23. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the main Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.
24. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.
25. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.
26. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
27. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
28. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
29. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Would You Like To Join . . . :P
The Yoko Club? Oh, no.
The Alzheimer's club? Forget it.
The Ebert movie club? Roger.
The Groucho Marx club? You bet your life.
The Prayer Group? God willing!
The anti-perspirant club? Sure.
The Ford-Nixon club? Pardon me?
How Do you keep an Idiot in Suspense........
I give up...tell me tell me pleaseeee :-\
LOL....Good One! O0
Yes it would. :)
13 signs that you have had too much of the 90's:
You tried to enter your password on the microwave.
You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
good one Homer, I cant remember much of the early nineties
Yeah the 90's were a blur for me also. :)
Meet my boss!!
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In Ohio earlier this year, a season ticket holder was refused entry to a Cincinnati Red's home game for the flimsy and pathetic excuse that he was dead.
His family had brought his ashes to the match in a glass container. His son's comment was, "Now that's really something when you can't take a bottle of pop to the game with you." >:D :P
ewww who on earth would wanna do that ?
More Flubs from Family Feud D'oh! :P
Name a job around the house that has to be done every fall: Spring cleaning.
Name a holiday that the stores are always busy during: Monday.
What is the heaviest item in your house?: 600 pounds.
What time do you go to bed?: At night.
Name a famous brother & sister: Bonnie & Clyde.
Name something that usually comes with a summer storm: Snow.
Name a famous group of singers: The Simpsons.
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt(my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots" Center replied. "Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same." "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." "Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
More tower chatter: Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52
that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
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"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?" :P
Ten priests to be are lined up out back of the church awaiting their final test from Father Bill.
He makes them all remove their clothes has each of them tie a bell to their WANDS.
Next he brings in a beautiful naked woman whos goal is to test their faith and make their bells ring.
The girl dances in front of each man one by one trying her best to entice ...and one by one not a sound is heard ..until...she gets to the final man who's bell rings so violently that it falls to the ground....
Embarrassed he bends down to pick up his bell and....................................... the other nine bells start a ringing :)
Reasons for Not Coming To Work Today
If it's all the same to you I won't be coming to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come in to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be playing Pogo :P
Quote from: Homer on October 13, 2004, 06:14:18 PM
Product Warnings
"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.
"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
Do not use while sleeping. on the directions of a hair dryer
Who would want to? Unless they wanted to keep warm at night hehe.
it also says on a hair dryer not to use while showering
Electricfying lol.
it says on a packet of wet-naps you have to open it before use
When You Care Enough To Send The Very Best :P
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits."
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
I made this up myself AND I recorded a wav of this...
"I don't need cybersex...AOL goes down om me all the time"
I LOVE THAT QUOTE!!! >:D
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"
"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
:P
What a Shot!
Moses, Jesus, and an older, bearded man were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly, Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one, directly toward the same water hazard. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down the down spout, out onto the fairway, and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole-in-one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad." :P
A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Really?"
"Yes sir. They're called bullets." :P
The Fly
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh ... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches .. that fish will jump for the fly ... and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy."
You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but...I can tell you there was more...
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly.... and that bear grabs for that fish ... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish.... and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water...
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear....
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches.. Some kitty is probably in danger.
just click on the foto.....lol
(https://img124.exs.cx/img124/5048/ironic.th.jpg) (https://img124.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img124&image=ironic.jpg)
Your worst nightmare...
THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then!!! ???" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
TEXAS CHILI TASTING
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, visiting Texas from the
East Coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in
Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it.
Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw
the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me
on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
shit-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300
lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me
off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. **** those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a ****ing grenade in my mouth, pull the ****ing pin, and
I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my ****ing mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit
to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. **** it, I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
****ing 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor Yank.
FRANK: Editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report
If this story doesnt make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and Ill pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.The only friction in their marriage was that the Husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldnt stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a Doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out !
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the Turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the Turkey innards and neck, gizzard , liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulled back the covers, she pulled back the waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of Turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes ! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said " Honey, you were right." " All these years you have warned me and I didnt listen to you."
" What do you mean? " asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I might end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. " >:D
Rug Rats (Linoleum Lizards, y'know) :P
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child . . . she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We childproofed our home 3 years ago, and they're still getting in!
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.
A little girl climbed onto Santa's lap. Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?" :P
There goes santa's naughty list for you homer :P
Have you been naughty or nice? :P
Umm... both lol :P
Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, "Three weeks??? The doctor can't see me for three weeks??? I could well be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?" :P
(https://img7.exs.cx/img7/2576/warning5.gif)
Kids' Ideas on Love
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -- Allan, age 10
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kally, age 9
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." -- Tammy, age 10
"I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8
(on seeing a couple kissing) "He is trying to steal her chewing gum!" -- Boy, age 6
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -- Kirsten, age 10
Real Signs :P
In a restroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In another office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Quote from: samtheman on November 06, 2004, 10:47:46 AM
just click on the foto.....lol
(https://img124.exs.cx/img124/5048/ironic.th.jpg) (https://img124.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img124&image=ironic.jpg)
Oh my word! People are STUPID!!!
No offense to anyone on this forum ;)
Ever wonder what's wrong with people who spend $2 or more for a little bottle of Evian water? Spell Evian backwards.
If we are here to help others, what are the others here for?
When cheese has its picture taken, what does it say?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why isn't eleven pronounced onety one?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? They are only stale bread.
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUp?
Why is the person who invest your money called a broker?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electrician can be delighted and musicians denoted?
If mothers in the West feed their babies with tiny spoons and forks, what do mothers in the Orient use? Toothpicks?
Last night I played a blank audio tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put in your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?
Love the mime joke. :P :)
Thought this was cute ...
http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/poop_doggy_dog/poop_doggy_dog.swf
Good One. ;)
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says,
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
"I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around"
(https://img110.exs.cx/img110/8629/ownedtank.jpg)
The Homer Diet :P
This is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
BREAKFAST:
Grapefruit
1 Slice whole Wheat Toast
8 oz Skim Milk
LUNCH:
4 oz Lean Broiled Chicken Breast 1 C Steamed Spinach
1 C Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 Pts Rocky Road Ice Cream, Nuts, Cherries and Whipped Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
DINNER:
2 Loaves Garlic Bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of Coke
1 large Sausage, Mushroom and Cheese Pizza
3 Snicker bars
LATE EVENING NEWS:
Entire frozen Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
RULES FOR THIS DIET:
1. If you eat something and no one see you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.
October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA, was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change. ???
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the
bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier
and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird
and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and
kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was
heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly
opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's
outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude
language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my
rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the
bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the
turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
>
Good one. LOL O0
Thank You Homer!! ;D
Your welcome. Want me to resize your avatar so everyone can see it better?
Here you go. This will fit better. O0
Oh thank you Homer, that was so nice of you!! O0
Your welcome. :)
This guy goes into the doctor's office and notices the beautiful receptionist. He watches her discreetly and makes plans to ask her out after his appointment.
When he goes into the exam room, the doctor comes in and says "Well, I've got some good new and some bad news."
"Oh my god... wha- what's the bad news?" Asks the man.
"You only have a week to live." Replies the Doctor.
"Oh man... What's the good news?" The bewildered man asks.
The Doctor says, "I'm screwin' the receptionist!"
Cooking Problems
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!" :P
my friend and I were browsing this topic for hours last night lmao! Great posts here. Thx so much for the laughs O0
Your welcome. :)
This is a true story:
Since I am from a rather large family, we swap names for Christmas and to help each other out, we also include a gift suggestion. Last year, while shopping for my wife, my sister went to the music store in the mall in search of the item my wife had written down. After looking extensively, she finally asked the store manager if he could help her locate the CD "Home Sweet Home by Yankee Candle."
After a long pause, he looked at her, amused, and said, "Ma'am, Yankee Candle is a candle."
Prison VS Being a Housewife
In prison you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.
In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.
In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.
In prison all your medical care is free.
At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.
In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?
In prison you get your own personal toilet.
At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.
In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.
In prison they take take you everywhere you need to go.
At home you take everybody else where they need to go.
In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.
At home you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.
In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.
At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?
Phone Messages
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."
"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly.
So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."
"Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female,
don't worry, I have plenty of money." :P
Flat Tire
Two guys were taking a chemistry class at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final with a solid "A." They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends. They had a great time. However, because they had hangovers, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam.
Rather than taking the final, they found their professor after it was over and explained why they missed the final. They told him that they went to the University of Tennessee for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but had a flat tire on the way back. Since they didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time, they were late in getting back to campus. The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved.
The next day, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
The first problem, worth five points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.
"Cool," they both thought. "This is going to be easy."
The next problem was worth 95 points. It said, "Which tire?" :P
Here's a political one...hope it doesn't offend anyone :)
ruise Ship for Liberals Planned by Caramel
We at Caramel Cruise Lines are not forgetting that a lot of entertainers promised to leave the country if George W.Bush were to be re-elected President.
With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who still want to keep their promise!
Attention: Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell and her "wife", Ed Asner, Janneane Garafalo, Whoopi Goldberg, Al Franken, Michael Moore, Cher, Phil Donahue, Rob Reiner (apparently still a "meathead"), Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, and the entire staffs of the LA and NY Times and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new homes in Afghanistan.
You may opt to be dropped off at the Gaza Strip, Somalia, Iraq, Iran, or some similar sunny location en route.
The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a farewell parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.
Please pack for an extended stay... at least FOUR MORE YEARS.
Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.
We have lined up an exciting crew to make your cruise more enjoyable.
Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, John Edwards as cruise director, and Gray Davis, as Purser. Teresa Heinz Kerry will be kept below decks, well away from the media.
Monica Lewinsky will be the "Cigar and Cigarette Girl". Entertainment will be provided by the Dixie Chicks and Bruce Springsteen, and movies will be shown each evening by Michael Moore.
John Kerry will be our Life Guard based on his past experience of pulling people out of the water. He is also in charge of games and has eliminated "shuffleboard" in favor of his new game he calls "waffleboard". Be sure to pack your flip flops as you will need them while playing.
Ted Kennedy will double as Bartender and back-up Life Guard. He only qualifies as back-up Life Guard since his past experience in rescuing people from drowning has not been too successful.
Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will provide inspirational services, and Al Franken will give motivational talks each afternoon.
Al Gore will present a series of lectures on "How I Got Over Defeat." Tom Daschle and Martin Frost have already signed up to attend the lectures.
Unfortunately George Soros cannot be with us. He doesn't have enough money left to pay for his ticket.
If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please contact Senator Hillary Clinton. Her "village" can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.
The Swift Boat Veterans flotilla will provide escort for the "Elation" out to the three-mile limit, just to make sure that everyone leaves.
Bon Voyage!
Judi calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Hi, can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York city?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute . . . "
"Thank you," Judi says and hangs up. :P ::)
A BLOKE and his girlfriend were making love in the back of his van
when all of a sudden she shouted at him to whip her.
"Find something to whip me with now! If you do it will be the best sex
you have ever had" she screamed.
So he opened the window, snapped off the aerial and started whipping
her with it.
Three weeks later she went to the doctor and asked him to take a look
at some infected cuts that she had on her back.
The doctor said: "These are really badly infected. I bet you got them
making wild passionate love didn't you?''
"Yes" she replied, ''But how did you know that?'' she asked.
"Well, this is the worst case of van aerial disease I have ever seen'.'
"Globalization"
Question: What is the truest definition
of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you
change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladesh workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice, Johnny's, at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher . . . she's dead." :P >:D ::)
(https://img93.exs.cx/img93/6307/8940.jpg)
Hey, What's The Definition Of . . .
Abusive: What's the matter, stupid, don't you know the answer?
Blasphemous: Goddammit, I told you not to ask!
Conditional: Well, it depends.
Damnation: You and your questions can go to hell!
Egotistical: I'm the best person to answer that question.
Influenza: You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Over-Sensitive: How could you ask me a question like that?
Senile: When I was your age, we couldn't ask these questions.
Suspicious: Why are you asking me all these questions?
I still have to say i think the joke about one saggy boob to the other was funny! made me laugh!
im not very good at jokes most of the ones i know of people have already said a million times.
but just incase you didnt hear it yet.
why did the blonde get fired from the m & m factory?
a. she kept eating all the w's
A blonde bought an A.M radio.
It took her month to figure out she could listen to it at night.
You know you're a redneck when... you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend
and only come back with one gift.
yes im blonde so i hear them all ::)
lol...click on the foto
(https://img106.exs.cx/img106/874/Frenchclothinglabel1.th.jpg) (https://img106.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img106&image=Frenchclothinglabel1.jpg)
a man was hunting in a forest when he became lost. he stumbled upon a house and when he knocked an ancient Chinese man answered. the man explained how he became lost and asked if the Chinese man could put him up for the night.
certainly the man said but on 1 condition. if you so much as lay one finger on my daughter i will place upon you the 3 Chinese tortures. thinking that the daughter was as ugly as the man that answered the door he agreed and went in.
at supper that evening the daughter came down and when he looked at her she was beautiful but he remembered his promise to the old man and kept it.
he went to bed thinking about how the girl couldn't take her eyes off him supper and couldn't bear it so he snook into the girls room for a night of passion making sure not to make a noise so he didn't wake the old man.
he snook back to his room early in the morning and went to sleep.
he woke a few hour later to find a huge rock on his chest with a not saying Chinese torture 1 large rock on chest. the man thought this is pretty crappy is that all he can do and picked up the rock and through it out of the window. as it fell he noticed another note saying Chinese torture 2 rock tied to left testicle. thinking a few broken bones was better than being castrated he jumped out of the window and to his horror he noticed another note which read Chinese torture 3 right testicle tied to bed post O0
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT". :P ::)
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.
Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out " . . . and I can't remember who she was!" :P
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand
up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream
on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas
season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood
that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So
he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I
know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, look! ed at the teacher, and waited for
a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Jo hnny how he
knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The Math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ !
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed
especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's
ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of
the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a
picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture
him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his
picture?"
Cyrus SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!
;) >:D ;)
(https://img8.exs.cx/img8/6139/ijsje.gif)
A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows
when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and
says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha.
I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field
goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no
avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything
he's got, and
accidentally he shits in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
(https://img10.exs.cx/img10/7738/OldSperm_1.jpg)
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Actual Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale
3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called
out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing
and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way
around the course,one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do
for a living?"
"I'm a hitman," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag and pulling out
a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescope sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight
is
fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in
the
bedroom. Ha ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute,
that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked as well!
The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth.
Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot
his
d*ck off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few
minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can
save you a grand here..."
Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him. Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said pleasantly.
"By-the-way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, Sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."
The Greatest Pick-up Lines Of All Time
If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id put U and I together.
Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day.
Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
I'm new in town, could I get directions to your place?
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come talk to you!
Thats a nice shirt. Could I talk you out of it?
Are you religious? Cause Im the answer to all your prayers!
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Saint Peter was at the gates of Heaven interviewing this man. He said, "You haven't done anything bad, but you haven't anything good either. If you tell me just one good thing that you've done, I'll let you in." "Well," the man replied, "I was traveling on the road when I saw a group of thugs robbing a woman. So I went up to them and shouted for them to stop. Unfortunately, things got a little out of hand and I ended up punching out their leader. Then I challenged everyone else of the group to fight me." "Wow," Saint Peter said, "That is good. When did it happen?" "About 2 minutes ago."
A customer called our airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. My co-worker asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?" The customer replied, "V-I-S-A."
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" The doctor asked. No, you idiot! The man shouted, "This is her husband!"
3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
A former vietnam soldier returns home and heads to the bar. He is about to celebrate his 20th year in the service as he just been honorably discharged into retirement. He orders a beer when a lady walks in and sits next to him. He buys her a round and she smiles as she says thanks. A few moments later the lady looks to the soldier and says "Excuse me sir...Your zipper is down". The soldier calmly asks "Did you see a brave soldier standing at attention?" The lady has kind of a puzzled look on her face then replies"Nope i saw a crippled veteran sitting on two sandbags"
any1 heard of theese books?
the short skirt by seymore leg
sh*t on the wall by hu flung dung
bits 'n' pieces by mike rotch
the itchy bite by amos quito
aches and pains by arthur itus
the book of jokes by joe king
if any1s seen theese books let me know O0
You forgot Antlers in the Treetops by Hugus Damoos and The Friendly Circumciser by Rabbi Hukutcherpekerov
Charlie, a regular at the local pub, walks in one day with four sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest. The bartender looks at him and yells"Charlie, why the heck do you have that dynamite strapped to your chest?
Charlie answers, "You know that new guy who's been coming in all the time lately? The one with the big mouth who's always arguing, and calling me stupid, and poking me in the chest everytime he makes a point? Well, he's really got me mad! When he comes in here today, I'll show him. If he calls me stupid and pokes me in the chest one more time, I'm going to blow his hand off. :P ::)
Questions to IAMS Pet Food Company
I have trouble seeing what I'm scooping in my yard. Can your food turn my dog's poop pink?
My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it okay for her to eat it?
What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?
My dog growls in his sleep -- do you think he could have a vitamin B deficiency?
I think if my dog received mail, it would build his character. Can I register him on your mailing list?
How do I potty train my pot belly pig?
What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I sing and dance for her.
Help the cat drank all the beer! :P
(https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://www.missouri.edu/~cjgb6f/nuttylight.jpg)
i found another book
a pain in the ass by ben dover
1. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide
is that considered a hostage situation?
2. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges
didn't live there.
3. So what's the speed of dark?
5. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you
pack it in?
6. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live
above me are furious.
7. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
8. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people
at the Special Olympics?
9. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
10. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why
some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
11. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to
be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
12. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you
know the battery is weak?
13. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
hamburgers?
14. Why are they called buildings, when they're already
finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
15. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck
together?
16. Why do banks charge you a "in-sufficient funds fee" on
money they already know you don't have?
17. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that
the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
18. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the
other way?
19. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to
see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
20. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
21. Why do scientists call it research when looking for
something new?
22. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the
opposite of progress?
23. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial
ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
24. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
25. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use
them?
26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
27. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
28. What do little birdies see when they get knocked
unconscious?
29. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
30. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still
have monkeys and apes?
31. Do married people live longer than single people, or
does it just SEEM longer?
32. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Quote from: maggot_man on December 04, 2004, 09:23:28 AM
any1 heard of theese books?
the short skirt by seymore leg
sh*t on the wall by hu flung dung
bits 'n' pieces by mike rotch
the itchy bite by amos quito
aches and pains by arthur itus
the book of jokes by joe king
if any1s seen theese books let me know O0
What about
Yellow Streams by I. P. Freely?
---------------------------------------
33. Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
34. Why is a package on a ship called cargo, and a package in a car called shipment?
35. If Teflon doesn't stick to anything, how do they get it to stick to the pan?
Happy xmas.........lol
http://www.2step.dk/images/pic_2002-12-05_000019.swf
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
> animated conversation.
>
>
> The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
> galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
>
>
> "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
> once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
> twice. Then I come one lasta time."
>
>
> "You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
>
>
> "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
> lives."
>
>
> "Hey, coola down lady," said the man! . "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
> justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."
>
>
A man gets drafted for the marines and has to take a piss test before basic. He doesnt want to go so he has his wife , daughter and dog piss in the bottle then finishes filling the bottle himself. A few days later some marines come to his door with his test results."Quite interesting results you have " the gunny says. Would you like to hear the outcome? he asks. Sure the guy says sure of himself that he got out of this . The gunny then explains your wife is going through menopause your daughter is addicted to cocaine your dog is in heat and your ass is going to the marine corps. :P Semper Fi
Quote from: drgnwrrr4onyx on December 09, 2004, 08:02:36 AM
A man gets drafted for the marines and has to take a piss test before basic. He doesnt want to go so he has his wife , daughter and dog piss in the bottle then finishes filling the bottle himself. A few days later some marines come to his door with his test results."Quite interesting results you have " the gunny says. Would you like to hear the outcome? he asks. Sure the guy says sure of himself that he got out of this . The gunny then explains your wife is going through menopause your daughter is addicted to cocaine your dog is in heat and your ass is going to the marine corps. :P Semper Fi
Ha ha ha ha ha LMAO!! Good one! O0
Find 9 people,
(https://img118.exs.cx/img118/9596/peoplepuzzle2nj.jpg)
click here for a larger pic.https://img118.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img118&image=peoplepuzzle2nj.jpg
i found 3 i hate these things. lol >:(
Does the baby count as #9? If so, I found them all.
i thought it was a dog
No, the baby in the mother's arms.
Wait, there is one in the wall, nevermind.
ok i see that one now
(https://img33.exs.cx/img33/5396/old1aq.png)i think i got 8 O0 sorry that marking is roughly done
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . I . . . didn't pinch that girl!"
"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did." :P
A man decides that he and his wife would like to have a child after being married 8 years. But to no avail after 2 more years she just cant get pregnant so she goes and gets tested. The results come back fine she says it must be him. Finally she talks him into getting tested so he goes to his appointment with his wife present. The doctor calls them into the room and hands them a steril container with the seal on it. The doctor says there are magazines on the back of the door and to take the sample to the desk when they are done. Finally 4 hours later the doctor comes into the room and the man is in tears with no sample in the container. The doctor asks "whats wrong you dry or something?" the man replies : I tried my hand i tried my left hand i tried both hands, my wife tried her right hand tried her left hand tried both of her hands and even tried her teeth. the doctor asks so you dont got any reserves kinda puzzled? the man says no damn it we cant get the lid off this container for nothing! :P
MaggotMan,
There are actually two people in the left-most circle you drew. One facing out at the viewer and a profile facing to the right.
o yea shows how good my sight is :-\ and do u think we can get an aces up auto pls O0
A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground.
"That's strange," said the fox. "Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree."
"Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in love?"
beer crash in the netherlands, last week.
(https://img131.exs.cx/img131/765/beer5ri.jpg)
D'oh! :'(
Subject: AIRLINE QUOTES
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:
1) On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture
here, find a seat and get in it!"
2) On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
3) On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
4) There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane"
5) "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6) As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fell. WHOA!"
7) After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as heck everything has shifted."
8) From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
9) "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,
pick your favourite."
10) Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11) Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
12) "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
13) And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14) Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15) Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!"
16) Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
17) An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir,
do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.
"What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18) After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal."
19) Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of US Airways."
20) Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can
light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21) A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
mine!"
Quotebeer crash in the netherlands, last week.
That's Alcohol abuse
Good one Buzzman. Good Luck today. I think Eli will need it. ;)
i like the picture of the beer all over the road
Olie died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So his 2 friends, Sven and Lars, went down to try and I.D. the body. Sven went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Sven said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Sven looked at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olie."
The mortician didn't say anything but thought that was kind of strange.
Then he brought Lars to I.D. the body and Lars took a look at him and said "Yaa, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olie."
The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well, Olie had 2 assholes."
"What? He had 2 assholes?" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in town knew he had 2 assholes. Every time the three of us went to town everyone would say "Here comes Olie with them 2 assholes!" :P ::)
A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
Signs Of The Times
Veterinarian's Office sign: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten"
Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."
At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
In a Veterinarian's Office: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome: Dog food is expensive."
Lot outside Veterinarian's Office: "Parking for Customers Only, all others will be Neutered."
dayum i think i would have divorced her long before that point good one homer lmfao O0
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."
In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."
On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted
Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.
A large billboard on the side of the interstate:
"Pork, the one you love."
Headline Rap
March Planned For Next August
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better
lil off topic here : 6 ways to tell if you are a pogo holic
1 someone says a joke and you say lol
2 someone says talk to you soon in a letter and you reply saying ttfn
3 you have withdraws when pogo servers go down
4 you snail mail a family member asking them what rank they are in canasta
5 you forget to eat because you are too busy monitoring your auto
and finally 6 you get up early enough on badge change days to make sure if there is a challange for the week you dont have a badge for you activate a personal challange for that game to get 2 badges in one :P
Christmas Songs As Understood By Kids
"Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly"
"On the first day of Christmas, my tulip gave to me ..."
"He's makin a list, chicken and rice ..."
"Sleep in heavenly peas ..."
"You'll go down in Listerine ..."
"O come, froggy faithful ..."
"Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire ..."
As I was driving home the other day I saw the following license plate.
YDLKIT2
I couldn't figure out what a Yodel Kit was and why you would need 2 of them.
Anybody else have an idea of what this plate means? (Answer to follow...)
you'd like it too :P
preserve room for wild animals ................right next to the mashed potatoes and gravy >:D O0(https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://www.gothauctions.com/auction/XCAPUserImages/EBDOM_Dragon_Affairs.jpg)
Correct Dragon!
However, I still don't know what a Yodel Kit is...
I can not see the one I posted, so I guess it was not appropriate for the forum. Sorry if it offended anyone. :'( :'( :'(
maybe he/she is advertising for something much deeper ???
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan." :P
Have you ever seen those really cool ornaments that plug into a Christmas light bulb socket and do neat stuff like say something from a movie?
I have a Darth Vader who says the line, "*breathing* The force is with you young Skywalker, *breathing* but you are not a Jedi yet. *breathing*". My boys love it and turn the tree lights on and off very often to hear it. The
other day I'm in the other room and hear the breathing and it stops. Again, I hear the breathing and it stops. I yell for the boys to stop playing with the switch, they answer from upstairs. Again I hear the breathing and it stops. I go out to the tree to find that after having the tree up for three days, the string of lights that I plugged ol' Darth into is blinking. So every time it blinks the ornament starts it's dialogue but doesn't finish because the lights then blink off. And so on.
I know George Lucas would be proud that even with all of my familiarity with the sci-fi movie, my grip on reality was completely lost when I went to investigated the problem...
I got my baseball bat just in case I ran into a Sith Lord with a light saber. *Yeah... like a bat would hold up to a light saber.*
Merry Christmas and may the force be with you.
I'm patiently waiting for Episode 3. :) Always wanted to be a Jedi as a kid. ;)
Me too. I want a light saber and an X-Wing Fighter.
A man marries a woman but tradgically 6 months later his wife dies. The coroner said cause of death was eating poison mushrooms. a year later he marries again . Same thing six months later she dies. cause of death poison mushrooms. distraught the man marries again a year later and in six months his wife dies sure enough.. while sitting outside the funeral home his friend approaches him and asks was it poison mushrooms again this time. " No" the man declairs " she fell down the stairs she didnt like mushrooms.
Reasons The 80's Were A Cooler Time To Grow Up Than The 90's
10) MTV actually played videos in the 80's.
9) There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swish), and they didn't cost $125.
8) A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.
7) In the 80's playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.
6) In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell.
5) In the 80s we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school -- unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.
4) Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. NSync. New Edition vs. Hanson. OK, that one's a draw.
3) In the early 80's there were kids in your high school who could BUY ALCOHOL LEGALLY.
2) Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.
1) In the 80's you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time.
10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
I don't mind a ring in the nose if it looks good on you. I do get a little squeamish looking at people who have lots of piercings on their face. Kinda makes them look like they fell down the stairs carrying a tacklebox.
I saw a young man one time with hoops where his eyebrows belonged. :o Do you have to remove all that at the airport? ???
Why Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt In The Star Trek Universe
10) In the Star Wars universe, weapons rarely, if ever, are set on "stun."
9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of twenty just to go into warp. The Millenium Falcon does the same thing with just R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After enduring Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7) One word: lightsabers.
6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2) The Federation would have to interrupt whatever it's doing just to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
1) Picard pilots Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.
Confucius Say...
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Don't eat the snow where the huskies go!
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.
Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue!
Man who live in glass house should not throw parties!
Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers!
When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.
"Man with glass house must dress in basement!"
Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don't have film!
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.
Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing
Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
Elevator smell different to midget.
Work to become, not to acquire.
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
Man who put head on Railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!
Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.
War does not determine who's right, war determines who's left.
Those who quote me are fools.
Confucius say too damn much.
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a
Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy
arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that
it could be put together in an hour. However it took
the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a
check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that
symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells".
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through
his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied,
"They're Carol's".
i can only think of two ya missed homer
confucious say man who enter airplane sideways always be going to bangkok and woman who fly airplane upside down have crackup :P
I left a few out because they were a bit questionable in nature. ;)
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that I had yet to pay for them for his work he had completed a whole year ago.
Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year.......that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument.
More Ways To Confuse Santa
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
top 5 worst santa pickup lines
#5 have you ever seen a jelly roll?
#4 this sleigh is stylin wanna go for a spin?
#3 wanna sit on santa's lap? We can talk about the first thing that pops up.
#2 big men need lovin too im not fat just big boned.
#1 i know you been nice but i have you on both lists lets see how naughty you can get.
i hope this jokes are ok to post
A man was driving down the road and had to go to the bathroom real bad. He saw a bar and pulled over and went in. The bar was really packed. He asked the bartender when the rest room was. The bartender replied up the stairs 2 doors to the right. When the man went up stairs the line was really long and he couldn't hold it. So he went into the first door and saw a whole in the floor so he decide to use it. When he came back down stairs the bar was empty excpt for the bartender. The man asked him where did everone go. The bartender replied where where u when the crap hit the fan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night a mother,father and thier 2 kids willy and sara sat down for dinner. The father told the mother since this is the first time they have ate deer don't tell them what it is let them guess. The father asked sara do u know what ur eating she said chicken the father said no. Willy do u know what ur eating he said hamburger the father said no. I will give u a hint ur mother calls me this sometimes. Sara jumped up from the table and shouted WILLY QUICK SPIT IT OUT ITS BUTTHOLE.
Heaven - It's All Free
This is Heaven This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago! :P
Life's Funny Little Realities
It's frustrating when you know all the answers and nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
True but funny as hell.....
A school teacher in Detroit Michigan was accused by the principal of showing up to work almost everyday drunk... After about six weeks of this it began to get under the skin of the teacher. He went home that weekend and resumed normal life dreading monday morning. Fear of this harassment began to enrage him. As he walks in monday the principal claims he smelled alcohol on him and that he was showing up to work drunk again. The teacher became enraged screaming in the office saying " I'll prove this once and for all". He gets into his car, drives to the local police department and demands a breathalizer.... The test results showed him being twice the legal limit and the officer charged him with dui and creating a public disturbance along with resisting arrest.......
guess this is one of those ppl ya just gotta ask them whats it feel like to be a f@#$%*ng idiot ::)
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Sweetheart, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."
The husband replied, "How about a chair?" :P
lmfaooooooooooo
good one homer O0
Thank you. :)
Pickup Lines
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
Hi, my name is Homer, how do you like me so far?
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
As you walk by, turn around and say: Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No. Damn!
I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?
You with those curves, and me with no brakes ...
Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Wow! Are those real?
If you stood infront of a mirror and help up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
Most people like to watch the (i.e. World Cup, Stanley Cup, Superbowl, NBA playoffs, etc..) cuz it only happens once a year/every 4 years, but I'd rather talk to you cause the chance of meeting someone like you only happens once in a lifetime.
Did it hurt? (What?) When you fell from heaven ... Did it hurt?
Girl, you must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all day!
Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.
If I let you suck on my tongue would you be greatful?
True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.
Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
Screw me if I am wrong, but you want to screw me, don't you?
Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Pocahontus?
Hey babe, how about a pizza and some sex? [Slap] HEY! What's wrong, you don't like pizza?
I'm going to have sex with you tonight no matter what so you might as well be there.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
Can I flirt with you?
I admit, I'm kind of a geek by day... But a sex machine by night!
You have been very naughty! Go to my room!
Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.
Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me.
Do you sleep on your stomach?
No.
Can I?
Be unique and different, say yes.
You make me so nervous and flustered, I've completely forgotten my standard pick-up line.
I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
What is a slutty girl like you doing in a classy place like this? OOPS! I mean, what is nice girl like you doing in a dump like this? (Phew)
Hi, my name's Homer. Remember it, you'll be screaming it later tonight!
My name is Homer, but you can call me anything at all. Just call me.
He: Excuse me, want to dance?
She: No.
He: Maybe you didn't hear me ... I said you look really fat in those pants!
He : Hey Baby ... Wanna dance?
She : No.
He : Oh, C'mon! Lower you're standards a little. I did...
He : Hey, Stop!
She : What?
He : You're undressing me with your eyes... I know you're doing it. STOP!
Rebuttals to Pick Up Lines
He: I'd really like to get into your pants.
She: No thanks. There's already one asshole in there.
He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
He: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
She: It's in the phone book.
He: But I don't know your name.
She: That's in the phone book too.
A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it,
looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.
After hearing a pick-up line: I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
lol very funny 8)
this one is self explanitory with the election that just passed :P http://www.jokefrog.com/flash/this-land.shtml
ROFLMAO.... those were so funny
:D Homer you are too funny, has anyone told you that you are a NUT.. :o..lol keep the laughs coming O0
Thank you. Sometimes I feel like a nut.....sometimes I don't. :P
Thoughts To Ponder
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
Why do people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older ... they were cramming for their finals!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?
Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?
Why does Wendy's have square hamburgers?
Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?
Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?
Why are the copyright dates on movies and television shows written in Roman numbers?
Words of Wisdom and Observations on Life
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Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
People will accept your idea more readily, if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you.
A person is as big as the things that make him angry.
In every organization there will be one person who knows what is going on....This person must be fired.
Everything depends.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Remember, pain is nature's way of reminding you who's in charge.
You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.
If you love what you do you'll never work another day in your life.
The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Common sense is not that common.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays, it insists on it.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be discarded.
Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
Observation: I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Observation: The user does not know what he wants until he sees what he gets.
Observation: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Observation: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Observation: When you are over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.
Observation: A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long.
Budgets help you worry before you spend money, as well as, afterward.
here are a few fun pages i thought u guys might get a kick out of i know i did
http://www.justsaywow.com/funpages/view.cfm/9499
http://www.justsaywow.com/funpages/view.cfm/1263
http://www.justsaywow.com/funpages/view.cfm/5999
http://www.justsaywow.com/funpages/view.cfm/1463
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises and then fades away.
The next night Bush is astir again and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution as I did," Jefferson advises and dims from sight.
The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of F.D.R. hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mists.
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
Abe replies, "Go see a play."
(https://img87.exs.cx/img87/9135/89913mn.jpg)
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had
the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum"
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians"
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire"
...and so on and so on ...and then the Greek says:
"We invented sex" .
The Italian says, "That is true, but it was
the Italians who introduced it to women...
lmao i love the 2nd one and the last one to funny
The Drunk
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
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DRUNK
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
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Drunk and the Nun
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
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25 Signs that you may have had too much to drink.
1.) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2.) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3.) Job interfering with you're drinking.
4.) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5.) Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6.) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7.) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8.) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9.) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10.) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11.) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12.) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13.) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14.) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15.) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
16.) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17.) The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
18.) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19.) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
20.) Roseanne looks good.
21.) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22.) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23.) Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24.) "I'm as jober as a sudge."
25.) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
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What! Me Drunk?
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
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Belligerent Bear
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Barbitchyouate."
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Beer and a Box
A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar, sat a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer. When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, "PLAY". The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz.
The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse. He set this mouse on top of the piano and said "SING". The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some 'oldies but goodies', then all of the current favorites.
A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the man and offered to buy this little outfit that the man had. After a bit of negotiating, the man drunk agreed to sell it to the man for $500. The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.
The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk "You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!"
The drunk laughed heartily and replied "I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?"
The bartender responded "What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!"
"The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend ", chuckled the drunk. "That mouse can't sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!"
Golfing in Montana
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers
to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the
Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses. They
advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of
an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs
of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference
between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur.
" Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like, pepper spray
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut
in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voiced bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her
stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!
GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He was playing with his toys in her bedroom, while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel
so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm very happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The grandson heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
A Newfoundlander living in Toronto decided to visit the zoo.
While there, he saw a man with an elephant act.
The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's
age.
The Newfie was very skeptical And said so, in no uncertain terms.
The trainer had the elephant look at a small boy, and the elephant
stamped its foot 9 times. Is that right?" he asked the boy.
"Oh yes," the boy said.
The Newfie was very loud in expressing his disbelief so the man asked
the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time
the elephant stamped his foot, the people said he was correct. The
Newfie got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally, the
trainer could take it no longer, and offered to bet the Newfie that
the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Newfie
accepted the wager.
The elephant looked very closely at the skeptic, then turned around,
Raised his tail and broke wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he
turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
The Newfie stumbled back, amazed, and with a sound of disbelief in
his voice, cried, "Lard tunderin' Jaysus b'y, he's right...I'm
farty-two!"
8 WORDS WITH DOUBLE MEANINGS
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
GOLFERS
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees, "Golf: $1. 00, Dinner: $1.00, Room: $1.00, Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00." He hits the ceiling!
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!
lol very funny
THE WELFARE LINE
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to
he counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says,
"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy
old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the
garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're
bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
THE WELFARE LINE
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says,
"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man
who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
2 men walked into a bar...The 3rd one ducked. >:D
Blah i think i finally did it homer i drank so much whiskey i woke up with my liver next to me crying :'(
Quote from: drgnwrrr4onyx on January 09, 2005, 09:22:33 PM
Blah i think i finally did it homer i drank so much whiskey i woke up with my liver next to me crying :'(
Eeeeewwwwww!
Quote from: drgnwrrr4onyx on January 09, 2005, 09:22:33 PM
Blah i think i finally did it homer i drank so much whiskey i woke up with my liver next to me crying :'(
I remmeber the ole Jack Daniels days. Had to give that stuff up. Got tired of waking up with cannons going off in my head. Yikes! :(
Quote from: Homer on January 10, 2005, 04:38:49 AM
Quote from: drgnwrrr4onyx on January 09, 2005, 09:22:33 PM
Blah i think i finally did it homer i drank so much whiskey i woke up with my liver next to me crying :'(
I remmeber the ole Jack Daniels days. Had to give that stuff up. Got tired of waking up with cannons going off in my head. Yikes! :(
Yeah i know what you mean jack can kick ass when he wants to but the praying to the golden goddess in the a.m. is gettin old also
:P
heres a sig for ya homer roflmfaoooooooo http://www.angelfire.com/nb2/4-backalley/Irresist.htm
Nah....I'll pass on that. Thanks anyways. :)
Funny Law Firm Names. >:D
1) LeBoeuf, Lambe & Curry
2) Blast, Bugger & Damn
3) Argew & Phibbs
4) Low, Ball & Lynch
5) Schiester & Schiester
6) Bicker, Back & Forth
7) FLywheel & Shyster
8. I Can't Believe It's A Law Firm
9) French, Frye & Coke
10) Amble, Nance & Chaser
11) McConn, Argue & Lies
12) Sharpe, Knife & Slip
13) Chase & Hsu
14) Bobbit, Gillooly & Buttafuoco
15) Wangle, Finagle & Settle
16) Slippe, Falle & Sioux
17) Huey, Dewey & Louie
18) Hooke, Lyne & Sinker
19) Hough, Puff & Blowe
20) Cheatham & Fleesum
21) O'Neal & Pray
22) Smith & Wesson
23) Grin & Barrett
24) Browbeatum, Flogem & Harassem
25) Tonya, Tankum & Takeum
26) Wilson & Trusts
27) Bill, Padding & Howe
28) Skinam, Alive & Flee (and/or Runn)
29) Killer & Ketcham
30) Payne & Suffrin
31) Dewgoode, Befayre & Prosper
32) Millions, Billions & Trillions, Inc.
33) Noe, Scroopells & Prowdovit
34) *NJUNCTION
35) Wynn, Nunov, Arcases
36) Dummas, Morahn & Einstein-Knott
37) Wannasee, Counsell & Chambers
AN IRISHMAN
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggart have written an
impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
>
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss... the Pope only
expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the
drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled my mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a
large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me
off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write my husband a
prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole
on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he
was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him
rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said,
"Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment.
confusious say:
Man who stand on toilet, high on pot
man who go through airport turnstyle sideways... going to bangkok
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Baseball wrong, man with 4 balls cannot walk
Man who fly plane upside down have crackup.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it.
do not drink and park, accidents cause people!
to meet girl in park is good, but to park meat in girl is better.
Quote from: Homer on December 20, 2004, 05:47:27 PM
Confucius Say...
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Don't eat the snow where the huskies go!
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.
Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue!
Man who live in glass house should not throw parties!
Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers!
When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.
"Man with glass house must dress in basement!"
Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don't have film!
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.
Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing
Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
Elevator smell different to midget.
Work to become, not to acquire.
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
Man who put head on Railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.
Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!
Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.
War does not determine who's right, war determines who's left.
Those who quote me are fools.
Confucius say too damn much.
Hrmmm dejavou??? :o
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
(https://img150.exs.cx/img150/1589/plumbingservice2eq.jpg)
(https://img150.exs.cx/img150/3731/tattooftheyear1zg.jpg)
Quote from: mariska on January 11, 2005, 10:57:13 AM
My sister has the lawnmower tatooed somewhere else :-X
lol dream...
i'm not sure where you are talking about, but i think i might have a good idea... either that or my perverted mind is reeling...
Quote
My sister has the lawnmower tatooed somewhere else :-X
Quote
lol..........so have i.... :-X
The Haircut
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and
asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks
around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in
the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The
barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the
shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber
looks around the shop and says,"About an hour and half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop
and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then
doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the
shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did
he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
Here are some interesting observations!
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems
worth it!)
If you fart continuously for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like
it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not
over that pig thing!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included
in this list?)
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to
death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey,I'm home. What the....")
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want
to be a pig... quality over quantity!)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)
Very funny: A Hole Behind
You don't have to be a golfer to enjoy this joke.
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf
course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking
around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his
confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm
on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the
same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She
said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be
on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the
same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he
knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the
course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation
for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in
sales, also. What do you sell?" She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for
Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew
you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a
salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.
omg that is too funny roflmao haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
sry easily amused lol
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,"Doctor I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell
and are always silent. As a matter of fact,I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because
they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next
week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
whatthe heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink
terribly."
The doctor says,"Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing."
Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They
happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the
boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package."
The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday,
one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then
who uses THESE?" he asks, pickinup a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for
January, one for February, one for March........"
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa.
Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear
suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front.
The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, all right."
The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The
front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!"
The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The
front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop."
The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm
just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
MEN vs. WOMEN
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in
$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 i tem he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
AND FINALLY...
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of
mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws
Investment Tips for 2005:
For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and
the AOL/Time Warner implosion, and the Sears/K-Mart wedding, be aware of
the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and
make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the near future:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.
Grace Company will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace
2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces andbecome:
Poly, Warner, Cracker
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as:
MMMGood
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
KnottNOW!
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang
10. Motorola and Cray Computers will join together and become
Crayola.
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders
a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and
shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go,
the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You
just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your
sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man,
I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the
following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling
marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots
and leaves."
These post were good humor tonight :)
So, What did the fly say to the fly?
.
.
.
.
.
"your man is open"
:-\
Ok.. made my day... now I can laugh at everything that happens to me today.. Thanks Guys :D
THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
A woman is driving toward home in Northern Saskatchewan when she sees
an Indian woman hitchhiking.
Since the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the
Indian woman gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a
brown bag on the front seat.
"What's in the bag?", she asks."It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband", says the woman.
The Indian woman is silent for a while and then she says, "Good
trade."
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time
meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort,
thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice,
"Skippy!"
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smilecame across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrriiip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She
let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, beforeshe shits on you!"
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks. "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you." "Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready." He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you?!" the man asks. "I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with." The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!" The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says... "Those little bastards!"
Louisiana Jokes
The owner of a golf course in Louisiana was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from UL and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Louisiana women.
============================================
A group of Louisiana friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!
==========================================
The young Cajun came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young Cajun answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
============================================
A Louisiana state trooper pulled over a pickup on I-20.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
============================================
One day Boudreaux, him, he was sittin in his coffee shop, drinkin a pop, wen dis grate big fella come in and knocks him off da stool
The big fella say, "Dat was a karate chop frum Korea."
Boudreaux, him, he don't say nuttin, he jus get back on his stool an take anudder drink frum his pop.
WHAM!, da big fella knock Boudreaux down agin an say, "Dat was a judo chop frum Japan."
Boudreaux still don't say nuttin, he jus get up an walk out of dat coffee shop. Bout a hour later, Boudreaux come back in an witout sayin nuttin, he walk up to dat big fella an WHACK! he knock dat big fella off his stool an knock him out cold.
Den Boudreaux tell da manager, "Mais, wen he wake tell him dat was a crowbar from da Home Depot.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown duck behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the duck, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the duck. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the duck come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the duck says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the duck. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the duck?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a cute white chick who agrees with everything I say."
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This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time tha n anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private Session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE, ESTHER, WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER".
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED," I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".
ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID "ESTHER I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE".
ESTHER REPLIED," I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".
THE PILOT OVER HEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID," FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS".
MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.
WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"
MORRIS REPLIED "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said,"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. 'Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and
enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".
"Sure I" excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came
out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there
---- on the couch
---- naked.
homer i am new to this site and i thinl it is great.
and that joke about the ten lazy men sounds just like my husband.!!!!
Quote from: somethingspecail on January 16, 2005, 06:54:18 PM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown duck behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the duck, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the duck. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the duck come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the duck says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
another very funny post
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the duck. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the duck?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a cute white chick who agrees with everything I say."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them ,
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time tha n anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private Session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE, ESTHER, WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER".
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED," I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".
ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID "ESTHER I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE".
ESTHER REPLIED," I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".
THE PILOT OVER HEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID," FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS".
MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.
WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"
MORRIS REPLIED "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning,Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said,"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. 'Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and
enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".
"Sure I" excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came
out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there
---- on the couch
---- naked.
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful." >:D
Have you ever wondered what computer/graphics techs do when they get bored???? Maybe this will help........
(https://img67.exs.cx/img67/8123/fingernailpainting9ws.jpg)
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said "Ya know, since summer started i've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"
Man Who Loved Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe, and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.
Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"
Signs a Cartoon Character Is Getting Old
Pepe LePew no longer makes any scents. (https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/z/fart.gif)
SpongeBob's SquarePants are now UpToHisArmpits, and he can't seem to get rid of that rank dirty-dish smell.
Bugs spends a lot of time in the examination room asking, "What's up with my prostate, Doc?"
Now retired and living in Florida, Zonker Harris and Michael Doonesbury unintentionally vote for Bush -- again.
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn.
When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in
Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when
we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and
one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her
eyes and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my
husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
Hasn't affected my sisters though."
A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery.
He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered,
listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.
The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The
man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange
and beautiful sound.
The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the
sound that had woke him.
"We're sorry," the monks said, "We can't tell you about the sound. You're
not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for
their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the
man pondered the source of the alluring sound. Several years later the man
happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a
whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so
enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend
another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man
stayed with them again.
Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following
morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the
same answer as before.
"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up
everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn
about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long
and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years later, the man was
finally established as a true member of the order.
When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and
asked to be told the source of the sound.
Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened
the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door
of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through
twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was
awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the
beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before..........
But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
College Exam for Football Players
Time Limit: One Month
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
(a) Bed time (b) 5:00 (c) am or pm? (d) Happy hour
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) foreigners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky (e) Prince
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes (b) no (c) He wasn't my relative
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Europe
18. Advanced math.
If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
That is toooooo funny, Homer......... :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D
:D Another great one Homer! :D
Football Funnies
Our offensive line was so good that even our backs couldn't get through it.
Football is a game of inches, and that's how some teams move the ball.
As John Madden says, "If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they've had a bad day."
Our linebacker is so strong he can pitch horseshoes while they're still on the horse.
We play in a dome stadium. We always prefer to kick with the air-conditioning at our backs.
I thought one of the linemen had a tattoo on his leg but it turned out to be a government meat inspection stamp.
He's so huge, instead of a number he should have a license plate.
The coach was marching on the field alongside the band. A majorette threw her baton in the air and then dropped it. A fan yelled, "Hey, I see you coach the band, too."
Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 60,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
Did you hear about the world's dumbest center? They had to stencil on his pants: This End Up. On his shoes they put, T. G. I. F., "Toes go in first."
I say let's make football more entertaining and give the quarterback something else to think about. Let's arm each middle linebacker with a coconut custard pie.
Some chickens were in a yard when a football flew over the fence. A rooster walked by and said, "I'm not complaining, girls, but look at the work they're doing next door!"
The coach says his favorite play is the one where one of our players pitches the ball back to the official after he has scored a touchdown.
The coach was always a step ahead of all opposing coaches. When they started the two-platoon system, he had a three-platoon system one on offense, one on defense, and one to go to classes.
Our quarterback knows how to do everything with a football except autograph it.
I gave up my hope of being a star halfback the second day of practice. One tackle grabbed my left leg, another grabbed my right leg, and the linebacker looked at me and said, "Make a wish!"
Pro linemen are so huge that it takes just four of them to make a dozen.
Our players have a lot on the ball. Unfortunately, it's never their hands.
He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was his combined SAT score.
We were in a really tough game. Our quarterback started praying, and we heard a distant voice say, "Please don't include me in this."
That linebacker has rung so many bells he has a fan club consisting entirely of Avon ladies.
We have lots of veterans on this year's squad. Too bad they're all from World War II.
The place kicker missed his attempt at a field goal. He was so angry, he went to kick himself and missed again.
They call it their nickel defense, because that's what it's worth.
Wife to friend:"The most exciting play of the season was when Fred sat on the cheese dip."
I would have played football, but I have an intestinal problem - no guts.
I knew that he was on steroids. His I.Q. and neck size were the same number.
"I know I told you that I loved you more than football, honey, but that was during the strike."
You know that your coaching job is in trouble when the marching band forms a noose at half-time.
Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away.
We have so many players on the disabled list the team bus can park in a handicapped space.
This team employs their famous "Doughnut Defense" the one with the big hole in the middle.
This year I can assure you that we are going to move the ball. I just hope that it's forward.
The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward.
Husband: "Hey, Marie, do you have anything you want to say before the football season starts?"
He retired due to illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of his coaching.
Comeback Lines
How about never? Is never good for you?
You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
His teeth are brighter than he is.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Do You Know Jack Schitt?
Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate married Owe Schitt, the owner of
Kneedeep Schitt Inn.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the produced six children;
Holy Schitt their first passed away shortly after birth. Next
came twin sons; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters,
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, another son, Bull Schitt. Deep
Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip
Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son name Chicken
Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers.
The Schitt Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and
Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number
named Peesa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby
Schitt. :P ;D ;)
No Baby Talk
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN! Use big people words."
She then asked Ron what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Ron thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
a few wise sayings
1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
2. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
4. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
13. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,
make tomatoe juice, But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...
now THAT'S a message!
14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
17. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
18. Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.
19. Welcome to Shit Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles !
20. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Quote from: Mayhem on November 12, 2004, 02:37:17 PM
Thought this was cute ...
http://i.flowgo.com/greetings/poop_doggy_dog/poop_doggy_dog.swf
ok im going thru all these very funny jokes and i comes to this one...omg i laughed so hard i am crying!!!!
FART FOOTBALL
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas
and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score.."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha.. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown,
tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field
goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a
woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it
everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides!!"
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped
and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five > gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked".
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
20 Years Ago
A woman awakes during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She
puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why
are you down here at this time of night."
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when
we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do she replies." The husband paused. The words were not coming easily,
" Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husbanc continued "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said "Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to jail for 20 Years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today"
Someone out there either has far too much spare time, or is deadly
at
Scrabble.
George Bush:
When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore
Dormitory:
When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Evangelist:
When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
Desperation:
When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code:
When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines:
When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost In em
Animosity:
When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
Mother-in-law:
When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms:
When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point:
When you rearrange the letters: I'm A Dot In Place
The Earthquakes:
When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two:
When you rearrange the letters: Twelve Plus One
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
It can be rearranged (With no letters left over,
and using each letter only once into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
yes thats funny i've seen it before with pics of the candy bars
yes thats funny i've seen it before with pics of the candy bars
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about birth pain. How much will child birth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"ike ish?"
"No. A little more..."
"hike ish oowww?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"Ummmha yahhh ooww."
"Now stretch your lip over your head!"
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than
the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably,
the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
GOLF JOKES
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit
his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening
between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3
wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back,
hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and
asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
To which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom
was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all
day, is it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An 80 yr. old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined
the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play,
but was told there wasn't anybody he could play because they were
already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really
wanted to play.
Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how
many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said "I really don't
need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real
problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even.
The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for
a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a
sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball
which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and
all the money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still
standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you
have a problem getting out of sand traps?".
"I do," replied the old man. "Please give me a hand.."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary
for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs
her that there is a charge of .50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects,
and then says well, then, let it read "Bob Smith died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven
word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, in that case, let it read:
"Bob Smith died. Golf clubs for sale."
Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!
Bob sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is
on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bob asks,
"son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that blac! k eye when you
ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady,
I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer
causin' people to git cancer?"
Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer"
"Sure is, Bubba"
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
Yep.
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated And still couldn't read?
That's right,said the lawyer. But why are you asking?
Well, I was thinkin' . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with ??
JAMES BOND
A confident James Bond walks into an American bar and takes a seat next
to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks: "Is
your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch... I
was just testing it".
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it??"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties"...
The woman giggles and replies: "It must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He
paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
DINNER CONVERSATION
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you live with her in our house?
MAN: Well, probably, it is paid for.
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - -
MAN: Oh, shit.
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts." :P
Subject Darwin candidates?
1. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.Understandably, he shot her.
2. After stopping for a drink at a bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. Yep! I like that one.
3. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. What do they teach in school?
4. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.
5. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, the would be> robber did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. Again I wonder about those schools.
6. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a Look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
Bonus extra ...... A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't
realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the
driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my
first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"
Judi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter.
Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."
The librarian looks at her for a moment. Then whispers to Judi, "Ma'am, this is the library."
Judi nods. Then she *whispers*, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke." :P :o
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"
A member of the flock snicked at the preacher's snafu, raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"
The member of the flock said, "I sure could."
"How would you do it?"
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!" :P(https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/a0/dckix.gif)
A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal. :P
Adam says to God, "Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God..." So you would love them my son"
Adam...God, why did you make women so soft and cuddly?
God....So you would love them my son
Adam...God, why did you make women so stupid?
God.....(sighs)....so THEY would love you my son........ ::)
Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday
morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week.
Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city.
It wasn't quite the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm.
One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf
round at the coffee table.
Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team
in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"
The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one
of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man
said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30am.
He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.
The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly
be up to 10 minutes late.
They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.
She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or
6:40."
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person
the entire round. The guys were impressed!
Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her
back the next week.
She smiled and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:40."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only
this time, she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them
with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.
By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just
trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't
figure her out.
She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but
each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!
In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she
was 10 minutes late!
This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the
best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they
figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.
Finally she showed up.
This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing
since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and
so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against
her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!
Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at
her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the
conversation loosen up.
Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He
asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf
right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my
dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always
had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college
and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I
developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf
practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his 'you-know-what' was
pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the
left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was
hysterical."
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
"But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"
She said, "Then I'm ten minutes late."
A little kid comes running into the backyard. He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile." :P
mine are chapped to, so don't be making me smile either
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? :o
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal.
You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are
wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled."
The interviewer says, " normally, we would hire you without a second
thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position
and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential
customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out
all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored
condoms; finally at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it
open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a
respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all
over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking,
and asked for aspirin?"
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the
world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's
official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the
smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?" :P >:D
A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death."
"Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney.
"Because," he says, "I want someone to be sorry I died."
(https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/aiw/laugh.gif)
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write: 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"
:o
This guy walks into a doctor's office with a banana in his ear and green beans stuck up his nose.
He asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong, doc?"
"Sure", the doctor replies. "You're eating funny."
:o
The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity.
One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked, "What do you want, Sonny?"
"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m- ma'am?" he asked.
"Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady.
"S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?" :o
Quote from: Homer on September 03, 2004, 10:15:26 PM
Good thing their down to about $75 for a 17 incher. :)
My mind was so in the gutter on this one homer! >:D
My....my..... ::) LOL
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming! right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
You're gonna like this one
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
NOT REALLY A JOKE BUT FUN NONE THE LESSThis is one of the strangest things. Left brain, right brain.
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make
clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it.
This will drive you crazy.
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew
to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following
day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned Home
from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who
Was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The
widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages of
condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 January 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now and you are allowed to send e-
mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have
been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward
to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too." (https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/sae/boxing3.gif)
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in
Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in
deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up
with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey?
I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..Don't mess with old farts: age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. BS and brilliance only come with time and experience
Dear Steve,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Judi xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
(https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v237/ilovegraphics/7EPlaidLOL7E.gif)
thanks for sharing these!!!
Your welcome. (https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://www.sofrayt.com/survey/bonus/thumbs-up10.gif)
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to
save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at
each other's throats for some time and felt that this was
their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What
seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his
long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the
wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the
wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor
went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed
her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the
wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who
stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband,
"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her
here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Funny Business Names
Window Store: A Pane in the Glass
Restaurant: Hard Wok Cafe
Tanning Salon: Beauty & the Beach
Plumber: Drain Surgeons
Pet Shop: Frisky Business
Bistro: Quiche and Tell
Discount Airline: Fly By Night
Barber: Hair Force One
Bakery: Our Daily Bread
Party Rentals: An Affair to Remember
Choosing a Pet
A man wanted a pet for his daughter. She had been getting good grades
at school, and was helping out around the house without protest. He
went to the local pet shop to see what they had.
He looked at a baby rabbit, a baby chick and a baby duck. They were
all very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick.
Do you know why?
It was a little cheeper! :o
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, He was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then! Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Triple Play
A police detective interviewed a bank teller after the same bandit had
robbed a bank three times successively.
"Did you notice anything special about the man? I mean, did he ever
change his appearance?" asked the detective.
"Yes," replied the teller.
"He was better dressed each time." :o
Brain Food
A customer at the local grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit
and intelligence.
"Tell me," he asked the owner, "what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," the grocer replied,
lowering his voice so the other shoppers wouldn't hear. "But since
you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. It's fish
heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asked.
"Only $4 apiece," replied the proprietor.
The customer bought three. A week later, he returned to the store
complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he wasn't any
smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," said the grocer. The customer grumbled and
went home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he came back. This
time he was really angry.
"Hey, man!" he shouted. "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece
when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" said the grocer. "You're getting smarter already!" :o
Valentine's Present
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced
enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a
diamond necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That
evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his
wife.
With great anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to
find...
...a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams". :o
The Waiting Game
An man was waiting in the station for the bus to Pasadena. He spotted
a machine with a sign that read: "YOUR HEIGHT, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR
FORTUNE $1.00"
He stepped on the scale and dropped a dollar bill in the slot. Out
came a card that said: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall. You weigh 160
pounds, and you are waiting for the bus to Pasadena."
The man thought, "How did that machine know that? Well, I'll fool it."
He went downstairs to the men's room, rolled up his coat collar,
pulled down the brim of his hat, and put on a fake beard.
He tiptoed back up the stairs, sneaked along the wall, spun around and
jumped on the scale and quickly placed another dollar in the slot.
Out came a card that read: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall, you weigh
160 pounds, and while you were fooling around down in the men's room,
you missed the bus to Pasadena." :o
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with
a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
" I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call
the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!!?"
Strange Pet Hot Line Questions
"My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering. . . how
many calories are in a mouse?"
"I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed
him?"
"Does your dog food help with emancipation?"
"What should I feed a borderline collie?"
"What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?"
"Is it normal for a dog to shed?"
"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?"
"My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the
vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?"
"How can I get the secret recipe for your dog food?"
"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?"
"Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?"
"Do you know how to toilet train a cat?"
"Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?"
"Where can I get a six-toed cat?"
FUNNY INFLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture" and aouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am. What is it?"
The little old lady asked, "Did we just land, or were we shot down?"
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew
have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
Texas Cowgirl
[/size][/b]
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders
three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each one in turn.
When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more..
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin.
When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the
days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
She! orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice
and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on
your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes
and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist
Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't effected my sisters though."
A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to
trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply. :o
An elderly man is walking down the street one day when he notices a
very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the
street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high
for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for a moment, the man crosses the
street, walks up behind the little fellow, leans over and gives the
doorbell a solid ring.
"Ding Dong"
Crouching down to the child's level, the old man smiles and asks, "And
now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!" :o
TWO OLD GUYS
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does
she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does
your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
Ants
Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!
What do you get if you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics!
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!
Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!
What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!
What medicine would you give a sick ant?
Antibiotics!
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Important!
NAIR
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the
problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady
if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair
remover and rub in it's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use
deodorant for a few days."
The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week
A woman was having a bad day at the roulette tables, and was down to her
last $50. The man next to her had just won $1000. Exasperated she
exclaimed, "What rotten luck! How is that you win on your first play
and I just keep losing?"
To calm her down the man said, "I don't know... I always just play my
age." Then he walked away. Moments later there was a great commotion at
the roulette table. The man rushed back and pushed his way through the
crowd. He saw the lady laying limp on the floor, with the table
operator kneeling over her.
"What happened?" the man asked. "Is she all right?"
"I don't know," the operator replied. "She put all her money on 29, and
when 36 came up, she just fainted!" :o
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have?
Shouldn't research should just be called 'search'?
'Con' is the opposite of 'pro' that must make congress the opposite of progress.
Bad Job Interview Tactics
See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing
uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy! I bet
this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I
was totally hammered at the time.'
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Sit on the floor instead of in a chair. If the interviewer mentions
it, accuse them of being a 'seatist.'
Mention that you would little affect the budget, because you swiped
all necessary office supplies from your previous job.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like
making anything else up.
Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office
from a few angles, put away, declare, 'NOW we can begin.'
Sniff your shirt during the interview, frown, and ask, 'Do I smell
funny to you?'
Ask if refreshment fund covers making coffees 'Irish.' :o
Presidential Advice
One night, President Bush was visited by three spirits. Bush asked
Washington's ghost, "George, what is the best thing I could do to
help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised
Washington, and vanished. Later that night, the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush
asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom, and
floated away.
Bush couldn't get back to sleep, and saw yet another figure moving in
the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
"Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country?" Bush asked.
"Go to the theater," replied Abe. :P
Microsoft Enters New Market
With the release of their first automobile, the Microsoft XP2000NT95
we can look forward to years of blissful driving, Microsoft style.
10. Your car crashes no more than twice a day
9. Every time they repaint the lines on the road you have to buy a
new car.
8. Occasionally your car will just stop for no reason. You just
accept this, restart and drive on.
7. Some maneuvers may cause your car to stop. You will have to
re-install the engine.
6. You may have only one person in the car at a time, unless you buy
more seats.
5. In the event that your car needs repairs, a certified Microsoft
mechanic will talk you through it via e-mail.
4. Changing your own oil will void your entire warranty.
3. Oil, gas and alternator warning lights have been replaced by a
single "general car fault" warning light.
2. Your windshield may suddenly turn bright blue as the car stops
working.
1. The airbag system politely asks, "Are you sure?" before deploying. :o
Signs You Are Having A Bad Day
You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your
office.
You get home and find the "Jerry Springer" crew waiting in your living
room.
You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out
of the city.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a
grapefruit down the toilet.
You wake up to the soothing sound of running water... and remember
that you just bought a waterbed.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
The fortune teller takes one look into her crystal ball and offers to
refund your money.
GRAVESIDE SERVICE
(IT'S THE UNDERTAKER IN ME)
A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends.
The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way.
When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in insight. The workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service. Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.
As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking in a very serious voice to another worker: "You know, I been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen nothin' like that before.....Sorta gives a whole new meanin' to the term "Holy Shit....."
THE HAIR CUT
A teen boy had just received his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a church minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The church minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went,
they walked."
Bumper Sticker Crop
I Brake for no apparent reason.
Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
GENDER FRIENDSHIP
Friendship among women:
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she
tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house.
The man calls his wife's 10 best friends None of them
know about it.
Friendship among Men:
A Man doesn't come home at night. The next day he
tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house.
The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of
them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still
there.
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents." :o
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar." :o
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartender says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?'' :o
(Sometimes in a Job interview they ask you to tell a joke to see how quick you are on your feet. I keep this one "Up my sleeve").
A kangaroo hops into a bar and orders a Martini. The kangaroo pulls a $20 out of it's pouch and lays it on the counter.
The bartender is surprised, but takes it in stride. He takes the $20 and comes back with a martini and $5 change.
The kangaroo looks down and silently drinks the martini. The bartender finally breaks the silence...
"You know, I've never had a kangaroo in my bar before"....
"Well with martinis going for 15 bucks, you'll never see another one."
People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize
1. Britney Spears & Eminem
Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.
2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw
Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.
3. America''s Oil Companies
For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.
4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.
5. Bill Gates
For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.
6. The Editors of Maxim
For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.
7. Jared
Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.
8. Jennifer Lopez
Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her butt.
9. That 500 Pound Guy
Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.
10. Glaxo
Who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces. :o
A Few Philisophical Statements...
Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
It's always darkest just before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.
It takes a big man to cry.. .but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them." :o
Homer i think the movie u got it from is RAT RACE
The joke may have been in a movie but that's not where I got it from. ;)
1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. A LIFE sentence.
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and SUFFERing.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives
and the wife takes.
9. Son: "How much does it cost to get married, Dad?" Father: "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
10. Son: "Is it true, Dad, that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Father: "That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!"
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:either the car is new or the wife is.
15. Confucius says: man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.
16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
17. Eighty percent of married man cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
19. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
21. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
>23. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, the love of a beautiful woman, then...POW! It was all gone." "What happened", asked his friend. He answered: "My wife found out."
24. Wife: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." Husband: "OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on."
25. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "Aren't you wearing your ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.
26. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
27. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
28. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same
thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
:o
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
MURPHY goes into the confessional and says to his priest "I had an affair with a woman. . . almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" MURPHY says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped" The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." MURPHY leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "MURPHY!!! I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!" MURPHY replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.
A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a trooper.
Trooper says, "License and registration, please." Guy says, "What for?"
>
Trooper says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Guy
says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Trooper says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please." Guy says, "What's the difference?"
Trooper says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop.
License and registration, PLEASE!" Guy says, "If you can show me the
difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and
registration."
>
Trooper says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the trooper takes
out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the guy
and says:
"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
>
Q. What do you call a man who has lost 90% of his intelligence?
A. Divorced :o
A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, "PIG! "
The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, "WITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.
If only men would listen. :o
A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.
The engineer went in first and was asked, ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.''''
Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ''''4.0''''
Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?'''' :o
E-mail Error
It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here. (https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/r/ssmile.gif) :o
Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.
"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"
"I dunno," said the second.
"Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.
"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.
While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.
"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole."
"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie." :o
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''
The magician chased the bird away.
The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''
The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.
The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.
They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?'' :o
What is the clumsiest insect?
The Bumbling Bee.
What did the Bee say when he returned to the hive?
"Honey, I'm Home!"
What is a bee's favorite band?
The Bee Gees.
What was their #1 song?
"Stay in the Hive." :o
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." :o
If Paris Hilton who is engaged to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis have children.....
Will they be known as PARISITES :o :P
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy craps on you!" :o
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you
doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom
Reasons to allow drinking at work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
that is so true and so funny! Thanks Homer.. I needed that. lol
LOL I love reading all these jokes...Thank you all that posts em...I have lots of Little Johnny & Hillbilly jokes (I'm an ole hillbilly gal...lol) but figure most are old & been read already or I'd start posting some.... :D
You can post them if you like. Just keep them clean because some of our members may be as young as 13.
Quote from: missy on June 06, 2005, 05:23:47 PM
that is so true and so funny! Thanks Homer.. I needed that. lol
Your welcome. I don't think much work would get done though if they adopted these rules. :P
no, but work sure would be fun
Quote from: Homer on June 06, 2005, 05:32:13 PM
You can post them if you like. Just keep them clean because some of our members may be as young as 13.
ok will do..thank you..i'll go thru some later tonite after i go get my pogo fix...lol (hope i replied to your message right, i'm stil trying to learn this forum stuff)
Quote from: missy on June 06, 2005, 05:35:54 PM
no, but work sure would be fun
It sure would. ;)
Quote from: CindyLouWho on June 06, 2005, 05:37:51 PM
Quote from: Homer on June 06, 2005, 05:32:13 PM
You can post them if you like. Just keep them clean because some of our members may be as young as 13.
ok will do..thank you..i'll go thru some later tonite after i go get my pogo fix...lol (hope i replied to your message right, i'm stil trying to learn this forum stuff)
You got it right. ;)
oh yes !! thanks!!
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old son:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Little Johnny: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Little Johnny: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little Johnny looked up at his mother and replied, "Bud."
Two babies were sat in their prams, when one baby, Little Johnny shouted to the other: "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said Little Baby Johnny.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said little baby Johnny chuckling. "I'll climb into your pram and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's pram, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the little baby Johnny, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones!"
Baked Beans
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary."
Adding
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.'
He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."
Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."
"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi Knight If...
You ever uttered the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
At least one wing of your X-wing is primer colored.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You describe the taste of an Ewok as "jus' like chicken."
You have ever had a B-wing up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on planet Dagobah is "them dadgum skeeters."
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you wouldn't have to wait for a commercial.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot!"
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
You kinda think that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire "them damn Yankees."
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
In your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow "just ain't right."
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a Lazy-Boy recliner.
The REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light...and they didn't have it.
You knew Princess Leia was your sister all along.
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father and your uncle."
Ten Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts in them.(or Durango parts!)
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
On a rural road the West Virginia State trooper
pulled the Mountaineer over and asked, Sir, do you
realize your wife fell out of your pickup several
miles back? To which the Mountaineer replied,
Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!
Hanging in the hallway at West Virginia University
in Morgantown, are the basketball team pictures
from the past 40 years. A player in the center of
the front row in each picture holds a basketball
identifying the year -- "62 - 63." "63 - 64,"
"64 - 65," etc. One day a freshman was spotted
looking curiously at the photos. Turning to a
fellow student, he said, "Isn't it strange how
the teams always lost by one point?"
A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.
After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar." :-[
Betting
It was Little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that Little Johnny was a good kid but that he was a heck of a gambler. He warned her that Little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.
The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of Little Johnny's urge to gamble.
Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured Little Johnny of his gambling habit."
The father asked her what had happened. "The little boy absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."
"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's bare butt before the day was over."
=============================================
Cold Cream
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
===============================================
Daddy's A Preacher
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon.and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
=================================================
Daddy's Promise
Little Johnny greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear,"she asked.
Little Johnny replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the darn walls if you came to visit us again."
===================================================
Ten things you don't want to say to a woman
10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"
9. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get pissed off."
8. "You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread." <SMACK>
7."Wait a minute...I get it.. what time of the month is it?"
6. "You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?"
5. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked." <Double smack>!!!
4. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on."
3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of BEE-AHTCH Flakes this
morning."
2. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A
WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT...
1."Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded
Little Johnny needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks and nothing turned up. So he decided to write to God requesting the money.
When the postal worker seen the letter he decided to send it to the president. The president was so impressed that he told his secretary to send the boy a check for $5. He thought that would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Little Johnny was delighted with the five dollars and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read as follows:
Dear God, thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed you had sent it through Washington. As usual, those losers deducted $95.
======================================
Defeat, Defense, Detail
A teacher asked her students if they could use the words 'defeat, defense, and detail' in a sentence.
Little Johnny was a smarty, so he answered with, "De feet of de dog went over de fence before de tail."
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He
sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The
10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a
ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says,"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on . Just as the blonde
placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the
building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the
5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.......
A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender. :o
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar." :o
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again." :o
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!" :o
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?" :o(https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/aiw/vampire.gif)
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." (https://www.getsmile.com/smilies/%5Ecad/dog52.gif)
Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry
throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?
BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!![/color]
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can
get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop
full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for
a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!
1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.
11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.
13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!
21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
23 . OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?
30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.
35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?
36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED?
37. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK
Sorry for the ALL CAPS but it was a "Cut&Paste" job.
Types of computer viruses
Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Some possible computer bumper stickers
1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
2. <-------- The information went data way
3. The name is Baud...James Baud.
4. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
5. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
6. C:V> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
7. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
8. Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
9. E Pluribus Modem
10. .... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
13. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
18. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
20. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
22. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
23. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
27. Hit any user to continue.
28. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
Young Bride
The family was disturbed. Grandpa Ezra, aged seventy-five, decided to get married. What worried the relatives was the fact that the bride Ezra selected was a young, healthy twenty-two year old. One of Ezra's sons cornered him and pleaded: "Look, Dad, you must give this more thought. It's very serious. In fact, a thing like this could prove fatal!"
"So what?" answered Ezra, unperturbed. "If she dies, I'll marry again."
During a recent hot spell in Atlanta a hillbilly collapsed on the street. Immediately a crowd gathered and began offering suggestions.
"Give the poor man a drink of whiskey," a little old lady said.
"Give him some air," a man cried out.
"Give him some whiskey," she cried again.
Several other suggestions were made and the victim suddenly sat up and hollered, "Will all of you shut up and listen to the little old lady?"
Here's one for my friends up north.....
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club." :o
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
(https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/sae/beer.gif)
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three
ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive
home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden
that didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting
license,
and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one
of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from
Oklahoma.
This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"
The hillbilly said, "As a matter of fact I do," and he reached
into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license. The
game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second
duck, sniffed its butt, and said
"This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a
Arkansas license?"
The hillbilly said, "As a ! matter of fact I do," and he reached
into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck,
sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's
from South Carolina You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the hillbilly said, "As a matter of fact I do," and he
reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina
hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he
yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the heck are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and
said, "You tell me, you're the expert."
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
:o
I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:
avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;
split a large combination pizza with three friends;
think Oreo cookies are for kids;
nibble cashews one at a time;
think that doughnuts are indigestible;
read books they have to hold with both hands;
become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;
fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;
counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;
exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;
lose their appetites when they're depressed;
think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;
save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;
throw out stale potato chips;
will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;
think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;
don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;
warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;
try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;
find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;
get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;
have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;
think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;
bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;
think banana splits are for kids.
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"
"No."
A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.
"That's not my dog."
(https://www.getsmile.com/smilies/%5Ecad/dog5.gif)
Idiots on the computer
Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
6. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
11. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
I bet Oscar has some stories like these. :o :P
I've had a lady do #7 with a keyboard from work. She said she put it in the dishwasher. I picked up the old keyboard to replace it and it was heavy with the water that had soaked into it.
I work for the local Board of Education in the Tech Dept. Just think, these are the same people teaching your kids about technology. O0
Oh I'm really scared to send my son to school now!!
My personal favorite is the press any key. (https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/u/lamer.gif)
Quote from: Homer on July 23, 2005, 06:46:34 PM
My personal favorite is the press any key. (https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/u/lamer.gif)
Don't laugh to hard on this one, we got my mother a puter a few months ago and she called me for that very thing. Could not find the "any" key. I now feel bad for dropping the phone and laughing. :'(
my co worker got me some stick on keys for the key board...one says any...the others are panic...eject..... pms amd x% i stuck them on my keyboard.....and you would not believe the people that come up to me and say..........you have that any key........how come i dont have one?????
too funny
Girlfriend 1.0 software
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:
1. A "Don't remind me again" button.
2. Minimize button.
3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. :o :P
Top ten signs you bought a bad computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
A Flaky Blonde
One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. ''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. ''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
The Wrong Way
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
LMAO!
Here's a good joke for you Homer
This my favorite all time joke >:D
Diary of A Snow Shoveler
December 8th - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9th - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12th - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14th - Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back into shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15th - 20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska after all.
December 16th - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel
December 17th - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when she's right. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighborhood kid to shovel, but they said they're to busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22nd - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.
December 23rd - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted "ME" to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24th - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the knavish underhanded idiot who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25th - Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%%^&*(! - Slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the insidious snowplow driver came by asking for a "donation" (I'll show him donation) and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to pull a HERE'S JOHNNY on her!
December 26th - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was ALL HER idea. She's really getting on my last nerve.
December 27th - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28th - Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29th - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the most asinine daft thing I ever heard. What a mental defective narcissistic idiot Bob is. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30th - The roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her Mothers. (Boo hoo) Good riddance. 9" predicted.
December 31st - Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. Hehehehehe
January 8th - I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I in a straightjacket and why am I tied to the bed?????
A list of redneck computer terms
Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
Rom - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear. :o
Programming language acronyms
ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
ADA: A Dumb Acronym
ADA: A Dumb Annoyance
BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders
BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code
BASIC: Beginner's Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite Confusion
C: Crud
C: Confusing
COBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused Language
COBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated Language
COBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages
COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated Languages
COBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunatics
COBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our Lethargy
COBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our Loathing
COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck
COBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized Language
COBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed Lunatics
FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverland
LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
LISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous Parentheses
PASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language
The laws of golf (https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/sae/golf1.gif)
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Found on the seal of a bag of bagels:
NEW
IMPROVED
Made the old
fashioned way
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sign in a restaurant:
"We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heard on a radio station.
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
"He's a real fun guy [fungi]."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?
A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
Satan and the Old Man...........
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared
at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running
for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said. "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
A woman's poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew
I didn't mend his socks... The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue
Then I turned around and smacked him... Like his Mother used to do.
I LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS, DON'T YOU?
BUBBA and HOMER
Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their
trailers, shooting the breeze.
Bubba asked Homer:
"If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out
fishin' an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got
pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Homer scratched his head for a bit then said:
"I don't think so, but it shore would make us even"
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. :o
ok here's a joke don't know if it's funny or not
Little Billy is in court with his parents and the judge asks little billy do you want to live with your mommy or your daddy and little billy says i don't want to live with my mommy she beats me then the judge says so that means that you want to live with your daddy and little billy says no he beats me too, then the judge asks little billy then who do you want to live with and little billy says i want to live with the kansas city royals cause they can't beat anyone >:D
Do you know why Farts stink?
So deaf (hearing impaired) people can enjoy them too.
**wanted to be politically correct and no offense to anyone. This joke just came back to my mind since i just farted...LOL
MAN OF THE HOUSE
The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MANOF THE HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to
know that
I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want
you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my
meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you
are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with
my
bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my
guess."
Man goes to a dentist
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!" :o
lol@rogue
LMAO O0
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!" :o
*Rolls eyes at homer's joke* j/k
"My car has this feature I guess is standard, because it was
on my last car, too. It has a rotating gas tank. No matter
what side of the pump I pull up to, it's on the other side."
--Rita Rudner
After delivering a lecture on drawing, I gave my art class
its assignment--complete a self-portrait. A young man in
the front row raised his hand and asked, "Of anyone?"
Transylvania vacation
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
:-[ :o
good one Homer! :D
I always loved that movie :)
Johnny is outside playing with Sally when his mom yells at him, "Johnny, get away from that girl, her neck's dirty!"
To which Johnny replies, "Her does?"
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They set forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so they encircled the village.
As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them from their eminent doom? Finally, the town's elder remember Hugh, a woodcutter who lived on the outskirts of town. Frantically, the townspeople penned a desperate plea for help, tied it to the leg of a pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hugh's cabin.
Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the townspeople, and realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what he needed to do. He honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed his hat, and off he went.
Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed the carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out to rid the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was saved!!! The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely efforts to save the village!!!
And the moral of the story is:
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. :o
There's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."
(https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/aiw/wizard.gif)
Please do not post ANY links that lead to adult sites and sites that have adult content. This forum is visited by minors and they don't need to see this garbage.
The link that PhatPizza posted was not authorized by an admin. Anyone who visited the site I suggest you delete your temporary internet files and do a complete virus scan ASAP.
Thanks Homer, I found the virus associated with this link.
Your welcome. Anyone who went to that site should do an immediate virus scan because the website that was posted will place a virus in your temp files. I suggest dumping your temp files and doing a scan at: http://housecall.trendmicro.com/
Quote from: Homer on January 10, 2005, 05:34:22 PM
Funny Law Firm Names. >:D
1) LeBoeuf, Lambe & Curry
2) Blast, Bugger & Damn
3) Argew & Phibbs
4) Low, Ball & Lynch
5) Schiester & Schiester
6) Bicker, Back & Forth
7) FLywheel & Shyster
8. I Can't Believe It's A Law Firm
9) French, Frye & Coke
10) Amble, Nance & Chaser
11) McConn, Argue & Lies
12) Sharpe, Knife & Slip
13) Chase & Hsu
14) Bobbit, Gillooly & Buttafuoco
15) Wangle, Finagle & Settle
16) Slippe, Falle & Sioux
17) Huey, Dewey & Louie
18) Hooke, Lyne & Sinker
19) Hough, Puff & Blowe
20) Cheatham & Fleesum
21) O'Neal & Pray
22) Smith & Wesson
23) Grin & Barrett
24) Browbeatum, Flogem & Harassem
25) Tonya, Tankum & Takeum
26) Wilson & Trusts
27) Bill, Padding & Howe
28) Skinam, Alive & Flee (and/or Runn)
29) Killer & Ketcham
30) Payne & Suffrin
31) Dewgoode, Befayre & Prosper
32) Millions, Billions & Trillions, Inc.
33) Noe, Scroopells & Prowdovit
34) *NJUNCTION
35) Wynn, Nunov, Arcases
36) Dummas, Morahn & Einstein-Knott
37) Wannasee, Counsell & Chambers
heres one you don't have dewy cheatum and how
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." :o
Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day during the winter the lake frozen over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, "I'll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!" :o
He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven?s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal. :o
Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.
Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!
Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish.
Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.
Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish? :o
There are three engineers in a car : an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer ...
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong ...
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred ...
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere ...
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?"
:o
TOP 10 "If Microsoft Made Cars ..."
10. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.
9. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
8. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
7. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
5. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
4. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
3. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
2. New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.
1. "WE'LL tell YOU where you want to go today!"
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
:o
A french teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine : "la maison"
"Pencil," in French, is masculine : "le crayon"
One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer ?..."
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary ...
So, for fun, she split the class into two groups by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation ...
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because :
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic,
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else,
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval and ...
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because :
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on,
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless,
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem and ...
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won. lol :P
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.
We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!" :o
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,
"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."
The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"
The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."
To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"
"No son, I want this color."
"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.
By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!" :o
But baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."
The baby started to cry.
"What's wrong?" said the mother.
"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"
:o
Homer comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a Duff before it starts." She is puzzled but goes and gets him a beer anyway.
Homer quickly downs the beer and says, "Quick, bring me another cold Duff. It's about to start." His wife huffs a little but still gets him another Duff.
"One more before it starts!" Homer yells after finishing the second bottle.
"That's it!" his wife screams. "I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long. Then you waltz in here, flop your yellow hiney down and expect me to run around like your slave! If you think that is how it works, you've got another thing coming!"
"Dang," mutters Homer, "It started."
*Disclaimer* Homer is not really married.
In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.
Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, "How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!"
The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. "There!", he said and vanished.
All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.
The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.
One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.
The king looked about him. "Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible curse?", he said.
"I will, sir!", said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.
The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn't! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!
Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighbouring kingdom's wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him.
"How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn't get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?"
The boy looked up at the king and replied, "Your majesty, it occurred to me as the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS." :o
I've been waiting for that one Homer, if you're not careful, I'll break out mine about the Rabi and the Giant or the one about that mystical magically and totally terrifying creature called the Rairy. LOL
Mr. Bill I have no doubt the two of us could fill this place up with unusual humor. LOL
If you think my jokes are bad here you should here them in person. :o
"Unusual Humor" I like the sound of that. Normally I'm stuck with groans, eye's being rolled, or sadly shaking heads. And that's when I'm talking to myself. LOL
I call it "unusual" because I tend to get the same replies to my jokes. LOL
Harold was an old man who was sick and in the hospital.
There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today ."
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted! Old Harold just smiled!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!
A blonde gets on an airplane and goes straight to 1st class and sits down. The stewardess comes by and tells her she has to move to her seat in coach. She tells the stewardess " I'm blonde, and beautiful and going to Dallas." The stewardess doesn't know what to do to get her to move so she goes to the cockpit. She explains the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. The co-pilotgoes back and tells her she has to go to her seat in coach. She again says " I'm blonde, and beautiful and going to Dallas."
He goes back and tells the pilot he had no success. The pilot says " I have a blonde wife. I know how to speak blonde." He goes back and whispers in her ear. She says " Oh, I didn't know" and moves back to her coach seat. The stewardess and the co-pilot both want to know what he said to make her move. The pilot says "I just told her that 1st class wasn't going to Dallas!"
:o O0 :D LMAO! :D O0 :o
A blonde was driving to the store when she seen a guy with 2 monkeys. She pulled over and asked if he needs help.
"Yes I do. My car broke down and I need to get these monkeys to the zoo. If I give you $50 will you please take these monkeys to the zoo for me?" He told her.
"Sure," she replied. So she put the monkeys in her car and drove off.
When the guy got his car fixed he started driving torwards the zoo when he came across the same blonde walking down the streets holding the monkeys hands.
"Hey I paid you $50 to take them to the zoo," he told her when he pulled up beside her.
"We did go to the zoo. But we had money left over so now we are going to the movies," she repled.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5
minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior
break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tires.
So I called him a piece of dog poop. He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
third
ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't give a darn. My car was parked around the corner.
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
:o
Four Old Ladies and a State Police Officer
A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error.
Before letting her go, the officer asked, "Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
Elderly Ladies with Guns
This could only happen in California....(true story)
Car jacking Foiled: An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required... so get out of the car!
The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.
Small problem: her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly white woman...
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...
What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...
What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...
What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...
What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...
What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...
What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...
What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...
What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime...
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone...
What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...
What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...
(https://img259.imageshack.us/img259/292/vampir21wu.gif)
Wow Homer, I was just getting ready to post these, glad I checked....lol...but alas! I'll post the others I have before you beat me to it ;D
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!
How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
He turns into a bat every night.
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.
How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.
What did mama cannibal said to baby cannibal when he told her that he really liked his grandfather?
"Would you like another piece?"
What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant?
He had two waiters and a busboy.
What did the french fries dress up as for Halloween?
Masked potatoes.
What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."
What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
I'd like a beer and a mop!
What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
I'm bone to be wild.
What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
Boo-ties
What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.
What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.
What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.
What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.
What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray.
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and deady.
What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster.
What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.
What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand witch.
What do you call dead cows that come back to life?
Zombeef.
What do you do with a green monster?
Wait until it ripens.
What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
A sour-puss.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius?
Pumpkin pi.
What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day?
Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
What game do ghost like to play?
Peek-a-Boo.
What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!"
A monster laughing his head off
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.
What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
The actors get stage fright.
What instrument do skeletons play?
Trom-BONE.
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.
What is a ghost's favorite desert?
Iced Screams.
What is a ghost's favorite oatmeal?
SCREAM of Wheat.
What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving.
What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
His other fang.
What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
Decomposing.
What is Dracula's favorite kind of dog?
A blood hound.
What is the tallest building in Transylvania?
The Vampire State Building.
What kind of key opens a casket?
A skeleton key
The Things Kids Say
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember
you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked,
"Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
roflmaooooooooooo ;D
Subject: Doctor Dave
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. Guilt
and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. Every once in a while, though,
he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to
sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last and you are single, let
it go...."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
Whispering........................
Dave.................
Dave.................
Dave......................
Dave.....................
Dave.....................
...........You're a veterinarian!! :o ;D
:o
An Extremely Modest Man on Halloween
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several 'false alarm' trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.
Alright, potty humor O0
One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling
with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the
headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death
we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and
asks them what they'll have. ?
The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) "I'll have a glass of O Positive."
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative."
The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma."
The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells,
"Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"
Billy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his best friend, Bubba, driving a new pickup truck. Bubba pulled up with a wide grin on his face.
Billy Joe asked, "Bubba, what you doin' with that new truck?"
Bubba replied, " Bobby Sue gave it to me."
"No! I knew she was sweet on you, but a new truck.....?"
"Yep! Eggzakly that! We waz driving out County Road #6 when all of a sudden she put this truck in 4-wheel drive and took off down in the woods.
She parked and got out and took off all her clothes and said, 'Now, Bubba, you jest take whatever you want!"
"So I took the truck."
"Bubba, you sure are a smart man," Billy Joe replied. " I don't think them clothes woulda' ever fit you."
LOL Good one Mr. Bill :D
:o Sorry Homer I guess my joke was a bit too ummm off beat... I debated on wether to post it or not... but seen some others in the past posted that looked a bit racey so thought well heck give er a try .. oh well... maybe I should wash my hands with soap to teach myself a leason.... sorry again.
Dumb Alabama Laws
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
You may not drive barefooted.
It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
Masks may not be worn in public.
Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Anniston
You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
Lee County
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
Mobile
It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
Montgomery
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)
I am so embarrassed to be from Alabama I could crawl under a rock after reading that! And to say you can't drive barefoot....i do it all the time, because it's hard to drive in stilhettoes :o. Oh well, i guess I'll go to jail. Maybe I can move to Brazil...where the "nuts" come from ;D.
Don't be embarrassed. There are stupid laws on the books in every state.
Here's a few for Alaska....
Alaska Crazy Law
In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.
It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist.-Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.
Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
Quote from: Homer on October 30, 2005, 10:38:32 AM
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
If you were so inclined to do so, I guess you'd have to check to see which way the wind is blowing first. One would think you wouldn't use the 'finger in the mouth then held up to check the direction of the wind' method. If so, you'd have to be very careful to ...well, I probably don't need to finish this sentence. lol
Ewwwww lets get off that subject. LOL
Halloween Definitions
Bobbing Apples:
What happens when you leave your bra off while running.
Boogieman:
Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
Coffin:
What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
Frankenstein:
Hot dog and a mug of beer
Full Moon:
What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
Goblin:
How you eat the Snickers Bars you got for Halloween.
Invisible Man:
What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."
Jack O' Lantern:
An Irish pumpkin.
Jack the Ripper:
What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
Mummy:
Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
Pumpkin Patch:
What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
Skeleton:
Any super model.
Vampire Bat:
What Dracula hits a baseball with.
Witch:
See "Mother-in-Law."
Zombie:
What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.
It was a graveyard romance. Boy meets ghoul.
oops just noticed the Boogieman definition in that, so smack me ??? ;D
A Cabbie and a Nun on Halloween
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver becomes very excited and says , "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!!!"
"OK", the nun say's, "Pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?" He sobs, "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.
Happy Halloween!!!
Quote from: CindyLouWho on October 30, 2005, 12:31:45 PM
oops just noticed the Boogieman definition in that, so smack me ??? ;D
Yep, that kind of guy, punch him in the nose and you'll break his finger. lol
An elderly man in North Dakota calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls North Dakota and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares...Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
Good one Cindy. I'll have to remember that for when/if my kids move out on their own. LOL
Thanks Mr. Bill. I've never had that problem myself. My son moves out bout once a year but always ends up back at home sooner or later. LOL
:o
'Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
but I just couldn't sleep...
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned...the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
stuffing with gravy, green beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
with a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...
Happy eating to all -- pass the cranberries, please.
The football-playing turkey
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
(Sorry this is so long but thought it was good)
Noah in 2005
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up i! n wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it.
LMAO...
How true!
:D
CHICKEN RECIPE
This recipe recently won the Tyson Chicken Cook-Off sponsored by
Ladies Home Journal! Quick and easy and so delicious!
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
stuffing - imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was
perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6 - 7 Lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to
taste ................................
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter,
salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in
baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for
the popping sounds. When the chicken's butt (edited) blows the oven door open
and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.
And you thought I couldn't cook...................
Finding a Good Paying Job in America
Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6:00a.m.
While his coffee pot (made in China) was perking,
he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).
He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore), and tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking his breakfast in his electric skillet [made in India), he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico), to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (made in Taiwan), to the radio (made in India), he got in his car (made in Germany) and continued his search for a good-paying American job.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for awhile. He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia), then wondered why he can't find a good-paying job in AMERICA.
omgoodness i have started to read these over the last few days and i have never laughed so hard thank guys!
I have to say about the American job one is so true. Something's wrong when the US flag is made in Korea or Taiwan
You're so very right about that Butch ! ::)
thats funny & so true about the american jobs
7 y.o. Boy Challenges Court Ruling
Philadelphia (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia, Pa courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Haha.
Quote from: Bissel on November 12, 2005, 01:00:10 PM
7 y.o. Boy Challenges Court Ruling
Philadelphia (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia, Pa courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
:o LOL Oh I gotta send this to my boyfriend's family, they live & breathe the Eagles. (They'll know its just in fun tho)
Quote from: CindyLouWho on November 09, 2005, 10:00:38 PM
Finding a Good Paying Job in America
Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6:00a.m.
While his coffee pot (made in China) was perking,
he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).
He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore), and tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking his breakfast in his electric skillet [made in India), he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico), to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (made in Taiwan), to the radio (made in India), he got in his car (made in Germany) and continued his search for a good-paying American job.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for awhile. He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia), then wondered why he can't find a good-paying job in AMERICA.
Sad but true. I blame stores like Wal-Mart for importing items like this rather than buying products made in the US of A. All in the name of profits.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." :o
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
:o :P
Children's X-Mas Carols
A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols.
She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer. (All of the other reindeer)
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
Star Wars Christmas
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats... lightsabers drawn and sparks flying. Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes! I know!"
Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom just out of Vader's reach, "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How do you know what I'm getting for Christmas!?"
Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, "The force is with me... I felt your presents."
I just had a dream about it
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for christmas holiday. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
=================================
Christmas Gift
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter.
The toy arrived in 189 pieces.
The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.
It took the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.
=========================================
A Christmas Gift
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their
town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did
it!" :o
Omg lmao ;D
ROFLMAOOOOO!!! ;D
Love that one Homer we have 3 boys (all grown now) and they were always into mischief >:D O0
LMAO, that was a cute one, good for people with mischievous little boys. :P
-dS
Getting a Traffic Ticket
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place...
The man says: "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
{Man gives his wife a very dirty look.}
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
{Man gives his wife a dirtier look.}
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
{Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth, woman!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
HOSPITAL STORY
A sweet grandmother telephoned the hospital.
She timidly asked, "is it possible to speak to someone who
can tell me how a patient is doing?
The operator said "i'll be glad to help,Dear. What's the
name and room number?
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said "Holly
Finkel,room 302.
The operator replied, "Let me check. Oh good news. Her
record says that Holly is doing very well. Her blood
pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal
and her physician, Dr Cohen, has scheduled her to be
discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so
worried!
God bless you for the good news".
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly
your daughter?
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one
tells me crap."
Lol I loved both of those!! :D
Thanks! I got loads of em but can't post lot of em unless I change some of the words, lol. :)
Yup it's PG-13 here. O0
Yes & I respect that. Also I respect that you all run a good clean site that anyone of any age can come to. Thanks!!! :D
Cindy, those were both good jokes. I really liked the 2nd one.
Thanks Helen! :)
You're very welcome. O0
Good jokes! Thanks! O0
Holly got anything on California?
Just put it under stupid laws for ya........ O0
When's the last time you were on an elevator?
Click the link below.
Ride The Elevator - Click Here
(http://www.toilette-humor.com/flash/brocolli.swf)
Quote from: Homer on January 18, 2006, 07:11:57 PM
When's the last time you were on an elevator?
Click the link below.
Ride The Elevator - Click Here
(http://www.toilette-humor.com/flash/brocolli.swf)
lol that was cute
That is so funny Homer..... :D
Ok I know this one isn't as funny as most of them but.....
Do you know what has 6 eyes and can't see??
3 men in a house with dirty dishes to be done , dirty laundry to be washed , and trash waiting to be taken out
LMAO ;D Funny stuff
lmbo homer that was good ;D ;D
Eat your veggies!!! (https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5elf/salad.gif)
Homer, you just have the cutest smilies. You must have one for anything & everything, lol. (https://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b121/cmess/Smilies/N_smily20-u20da20man.gif)
Well done Homer!!! :D
This is funny. Click the link.
http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/rake_bush4.html O0
Being that this is Homer's Laugh House.......
I want to share some jokes........
WOMEN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. :D ;) ::)
Good one Sweet, lol. O0
Sweet I just loved the rake skit. :)
May not be the funniest ... but ohhh so true ;D
I love it!
Quote from: pogohatesme on January 18, 2006, 07:16:15 PM
Ok I know this one isn't as funny as most of them but.....
Do you know what has 6 eyes and can't see??
3 men in a house with dirty dishes to be done , dirty laundry to be washed , and trash waiting to be taken out
LMAO Sweet...that about sums it up. ;D
;D Molasses ;D
A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country.
One day, the papa mole poked his
head out of the hole and said,
"Mmmmmm, I smell hotdogs!"
The momma mole poked her head outside of the
hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!"
The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but
couldn't get passed the two bigger moles. Finally giving up,
he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
This was funny when I saw it. Remember when you drink too much this is what happens. You see things. LOL!!
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf O0
This is for the guys!!!! Ladies don't get mad. It's all in fun. ::)
----- Men's Revenge >:D O0
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A collection of terms that every beer drinker should know.
Bait-and-switch - When an attractive person invites you to his or her table then steers you to a less attractive friend.
Barley sandwich - Beer for lunch. Also called a slurp sandwich.
Bayonetting the wounded - Gamely drinking the half-finished beers the morning after a party.
Booze muscle - The increase in courage and combat abilities linked to heavy alcohol consumption.
De-boned - To become so drunk you appear not to have any skeletal structure to hold you up.
Deep-dish olive pie - A martini.
Deja booty - When a drunk inexplicably has sex with a person that he/she swore he/she would never speak to ever again, again.
Drinking in stereo - Boozing with a drink in each hand.
Driving by brail - Using the sound and feel of the road turtles to keep your car on the highway.
Jack and Jill - A shot of Jack Daniels and a beer.
Trip dog - The invisible canine that starts getting underfoot around your tenth drink. Once he arrives he will trip you up the rest of the night.
Trojan hooch - Bringing an empty bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag to a party so you won't appear a mooch.
Two pint screamer - Someone who gets noticeably drunk after two drinks.
Madonna strikes back! ! ! ! ! ! ! Alright men, you asked for it!!!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
One. When he decides to get off his lazy butt and go get it
out of the refrigerator.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because when a woman sees a man walk in, she figures he's too
cheap to buy his own, so she runs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to not miss when she kicks a man in the groin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she opens her mouth.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
With a tiny screwdriver, which a woman can do herself.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because men are nothing but a bunch of hot air.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The wife, because the dog is barking because he hates men. The wife
is the only one that can shut the dog up.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A man who claims to be hot chit, but is nothing more than
a cold turd.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Mr. Right.
And found him out to be all wrong.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered something that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a husband.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they bore themselves to death.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy. Thank God...who'd want
to look that stupid?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, God realized perfection in woman and wished
he never invented man.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Madonna,
LOL Thanks for striking back. ;)
YVW...someone had to, after reading that bunch of crap.
If you walk into a bathroom and your French yet, when you walk out of the bathroom your American, what are you while your in the bathroom?
Euroupean
lmaoooooooo. That's true. ::)
Quote from: Madonna on January 22, 2006, 10:44:54 AM
lmaoooooooo. That's true. ::)
lol now that I've posted this...I may cause an onslaught of bathroom humor lol
DO you know why 6 was afarid of 7?
Cause 7 8 9
haha not...I know it's stupid but still...you know your chuckling inside lol
Oh my! :o ;D
Quote from: Madonna on January 22, 2006, 10:37:11 AM
YVW...someone had to, after reading that bunch of crap.
You would think us women would stick together. ;)
Quote from: pogohatesme on January 22, 2006, 10:48:10 AM
DO you know why 6 was afarid of 7?
Cause 7 8 9
haha not...I know it's stupid but still...you know your chuckling inside lol
I had to laugh. ::)
Quote from: pogohatesme on January 22, 2006, 10:48:10 AM
DO you know why 6 was afarid of 7?
Cause 7 8 9
haha not...I know it's stupid but still...you know your chuckling inside lol
hahahah that was really stupid and I have heard it a hundred times but i'm still fallin off my chair cant breathe im laughin so hard! ;D
Quote from: triniqueen27 on January 19, 2006, 11:47:59 AM
if bush was a girl
That is one scary looking girl! LOL I think I'm gonna have nightmares! :D
Quote from: Madonna on January 22, 2006, 10:27:57 AM
Scientists have discovered something that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a husband.
Why does that seem so true? Hehehehe
YOU BE THE JUDGE
Wife is dreaming in the middle of the nite and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back.
Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his ass, and then realizes:
"Damn, I am the husband!"
Who is guilty in this situation?
OMG...welll.......they both are guilty of something, the wife obviously, and the husband for jumping out the window...lmaooooooooo. ;D
BALLOON AND JOHNNY
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The ballon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
Doctor! Doctor! "Are you alright?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"
OMG!! LMAO!!!
I just spit Pepsi all over my monitor. Being a nurse, I've actualy seen worse than that, but that was just too funny...lmaooooo. ;D
Lordy that was too funny :D
lol that was great lol
heres a funny one
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby...
It was so far out, and there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.
The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
The little boy responded:
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."
Quote from: outlawdave on January 26, 2006, 12:30:45 PM
heres a funny one
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby...
It was so far out, and there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.
The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
The little boy responded:
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."
lol that's cute!!
Quote from: outlawdave on January 26, 2006, 12:30:45 PM
<SNIP>
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."
lol, I like it, that was funny
Quote from: Madonna on January 26, 2006, 08:18:26 AM
I just spit Pepsi all over my monitor. <SNIP>
sorry... lol :-)
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."
LMAO :D
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again
and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
Quote from: Country Lady on January 28, 2006, 11:30:25 AM
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again
and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
Ok...maybe it's just me...but I think your missing something in there about them being chocolate covered peanuts and they suck the chocolate off.......... :o
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you had sex twice"! >:D
hahahaha
Ok I know this is a bit long but I just read it on a message board and almost fell outta my bed laughing.....enjoy O0
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone --- don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know...
I made a phone call the other day and a man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
He replied "Wrong number, a$$hole!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up, I decided to call the 'a$$hole' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and I hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!" It always cheered me up!
When Caller ID came to our area though, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!!"
So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I mashed the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a$$hole, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I let you in on you something?"
"Yeah, what?"
"Don, you're an a$$hole!" Then I hung up, adding his number to my speed dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call. But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't as much fun as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea: I called a$$hole #1. "You're an a$$hole!" (but I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said, "What of it?"
"Stop calling me!!" he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you? " he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a$$hole, a yellow house with my black BMW parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole!", before I hung up.
Then I called a$$hole # 2: "Hello, a$$hole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now!!"
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 6 news about the gang war going down on 34th Street.
I quickly got in my car and headed over to 34th Street. There I saw two furious a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a TV news crew.
Now I feel better..............
Darn ... wish I had thought of that before caller ID. I know an "EX" ... well ummmm Ya know. >:D
OMG...roflmaooooooooooo! That is just too rich. ;D
DON'T MESS WITH GRANDMA ( This is a true story )
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
Found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her
Shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top her
Voice," I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car..!!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran
Like
Mad. The lady, some what shaken, then proceeded to load her bags into
The back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that
She could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and
Then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
Farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
Station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
Reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
Than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large
Handgun.
No charges were filed.
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one.
Things I learnt sinz I ben in Alabama:
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the
air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Alabama.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Alabama,
plus a couple no one's seen before.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
And let us never forget, it's not a garden hose or simply hose,
it's a "hosepipe" (one word).
Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
People actually grow and eat okra.
Mamanem means the whole family. ("Are mamanem comin?")
There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and
then there's supper.
Backards and fards means I know everything about you. (Backwards
and forwards for the Northerners) Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat ?"
You know you're from Alabama if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same
day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one
in it, no matter what time of the year.
5. You use "fix" as a noun. Example: I am fixin'to go to the
store.
6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both doors unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car .... for your OWN car.
9. You know what "cow tipping" is.
10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, chili powder, and
catsup. No genuine Alabamian ever called it "Catsup". Down here
it's "Ketchup"and let's not forget pepper sauce for the turnip greens!
11. The local papers cover national and international news on One
page but require 6 pages for sports.
12. You think that the first day of deer season is a national
holiday.
13. You find 90 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still
Summer, and Christmas.
15. You know whether another Alabamian is from east, west, or
middle Alabama as soon as they open their mouth.
16. Visiting Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as "going to
town." (True anywhere you are from)
17. You describe the first cool snap (below 60 degrees) as good
Chili weather.
18. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop... it's a
Coke,regardless of brand or flavor. Sample: "What kinna coke ya want?"
19. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.
lol too cute
50 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk really slow, especially thin narrow aisles.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid
embarrassment.
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap, anyway?"
Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin—to the Batcave!"
TP as much of the store as possible.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Take bets on the battle described above.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as
spastic as possible.
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Two words: "Marco Polo."
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. (Sorry in advance Madonna :) )
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you
don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
om my that is very funny good one
i use to work there..and funny thing is some ppl actually tried some of those and i played along..LOL tee hee >:D
i bet they did i use to work at one on the night shift and the things ppl do when they come in at night just to much men trying on woman stuff we just let them lol when no one was in there we would have fun to like them balls the big ones we would play and kick lol but not to much lol had fun there
very funny baby O0
I am going there tonight just to do those things! hahahahhahaha.
ty mama..and go ahead butch..its a hoot!!! trust me >:D i may have worked there but it doesn't mean i haven't tried it..tee hee :o
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to all girls when they were little!
Once upon a time
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
~~~~~~~~
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat
~~~~~~~~
contemplating ecological issues
~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
~~~~~~~~
and said: " Elegant Lady,
~~~~~~~~
I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
~~~~~~~~
and I will turn back
~~~~~~~~
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever feel
~~~~~~~~
grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sautéed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't freakin think so.
WHO GROUNDED NOW
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done
his chores.
"Not yet," says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't get any
breakfast.
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one
of them.
He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.
He goes to feed the pigs, and kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in
my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either. I also saw you kick the cow. So for a week, you aren't
getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you
going to tell him, or should I?"
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped. The driver got out, came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window. The snow
plow driver wanted to know if she was alright, as she had been following for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver repliedthat it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart's parking lot and was going over to McDonald's next.....
very funny pogo ;D
Quote from: triniqueen27 on February 02, 2006, 04:46:45 PM
WHO GROUNDED NOW
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done
his chores.
"Not yet," says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't get any
breakfast.
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one
of them.
He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.
He goes to feed the pigs, and kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in
my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either. I also saw you kick the cow. So for a week, you aren't
getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you
going to tell him, or should I?"
thats a good one trini..LOL
Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat
was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line.
He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man said "No."
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't attended together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," said Bob, "But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven,
God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a
faded Colts flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity,
Peyton." said God.
"This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Peyton felt
special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he
noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3 story mansion
with a blue and white sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flag pole with an enormous
Seahawks flag, and in every window a blue Towel.
Peyton looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but
I have a question. I was an all-pro quarterback, I hold many NFL
records, and i even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said, "So what's your point Peyton?"
"Well, why does Matt Hasselbeck get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said, "Peyton, that's not Matt's house, it's mine."
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, Mark decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up
to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Mark that evening, and three days later, she
became his stepmother.
lol sonic those are all great
Thanks Pogohatesme,
I was worried no one would like them.The last Joke I had to put up because I am from Seattle, but of course every one is free to substitute ther own favorite team/player and the punch line still works :)
yea...it SHOULD be Steelers >:(
LOL..its ok..everyone has their opinion..funny joke though
well im all set for super bowl i have goodies,drinks,2computer,big screen tv,mmm what else what have i miss oh ya and i have lock on me door lol
A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
Quote from: sonic126 on February 03, 2006, 10:54:07 AM
Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven,
God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a
faded Colts flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity,
Peyton." said God.
"This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Peyton felt
special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he
noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3 story mansion
with a blue and white sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flag pole with an enormous
Seahawks flag, and in every window a blue Towel.
Peyton looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but
I have a question. I was an all-pro quarterback, I hold many NFL
records, and i even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said, "So what's your point Peyton?"
"Well, why does Matt Hasselbeck get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said, "Peyton, that's not Matt's house, it's mine."
Yup he knows who the best team is! Go SeaHawks! Future Super Bowl Winners!
Man Eats Underwear :o
https://img384.imageshack.us/img384/3568/eatunderwear9bj.jpg
Brings a whole new meaning to Bart's famous phrase "Eat my shorts man"
This really drunk guy walks up to a parking meter and puts in a quarter. He stares at the needle that has stopped at 60 and exclaims, "I can't believe I lost 100 pounds!" :o
lmbo
Quote from: Homer on February 04, 2006, 03:58:26 PM
Man Eats Underwear :o
https://img384.imageshack.us/img384/3568/eatunderwear9bj.jpg
LOL!!! OMG!!! that is totally gross!!! and he did it for nothing cause it didn't work...HAHAHAHAH :D
that is to funny trini ;D
this is one of the best in the forum always can come here for a great laugh thanks ;D
THE DIVORCE LAWYER
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
OSAMA'S VALENTINE
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."
What did the girl light bulb say to the boy light bulb?
I wuv you watts and watts!
What did the boy centipede say to the girl centipede?
You have a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs...
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs & Kisses.
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!
What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
"I love you a ton!"
What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
"You're fun to hang around with."
What did the pencil say to the paper?
"I dot my i's on you!"
What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
Stick with me and we'll go places!
very cute jokes cindy :)
tyvm! :)
Quote from: CindyLouWho on February 05, 2006, 04:51:24 PM
THE DIVORCE LAWYER
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
ol
shows how smart I am took me 5 min of rereading to get that ;D
lottsa laffs, thanks guys! O0
Quote from: butch1286 on February 06, 2006, 03:24:42 PM
Quote from: CindyLouWho on February 05, 2006, 04:51:24 PM
THE DIVORCE LAWYER
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
ol
shows how smart I am took me 5 min of rereading to get that ;D
now we know why there's so many divorces, lol :)
Thanks for the Chuckles Cindy O0
Don't know if this one has been posted but just got it in my mailbox
A Guy walks into a bar ...
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly... "Soooo............... ya gonnna vote forr Bush againnn??
lol...thats a good one!!! :D
Quote from: SaintHippo on February 09, 2006, 02:22:15 PM
Don't know if this one has been posted but just got it in my mailbox
A Guy walks into a bar ...
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly... "Soooo............... ya gonnna vote forr Bush againnn??
lol one of my friends sent me that too.....she also sent one that was the movie cover for Brokeback Mountain and it had GWB and Dick Cheny as the guys on the cover
:D :D :D :D :D
;D
Quote from: SaintHippo on February 09, 2006, 02:22:15 PM
Don't know if this one has been posted but just got it in my mailbox
A Guy walks into a bar ...
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly... "Soooo............... ya gonnna vote forr Bush againnn??
LOL Good one! :D
A married couple, Dave and Mary, had not been out on a date in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mary was finishing the dinner dishes, Dave stepped up behind her.
"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, Mary quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the night that Dave confessed...
His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mary's feet on the kitchen floor.
"My husband won a trip for two to Hawaii," a woman stated to their marriage counselor.
"He went twice."
===============================
Did you hear about the peanut that was walking down the street?
It was assaulted! (a-salted!)
==============================
What is a shin? A device for finding furniture in the dark.
==============================
The best way to find something you have lost is to buy a replacement.
=============================
What is green and goes 100 mph?
A frog in a blender.
What happens when you add milk?
You get a frog nog!
=============================
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
=============================
Quote from: CindyLouWho on February 16, 2006, 01:15:51 PM
==============================
What is a shin? A device for finding furniture in the dark.
==============================
The best way to find something you have lost is to buy a replacement.
=============================
I know from experience that these two are very correct!
Not sure whether to post this here or under "Recipes" lmao
Natural Cure
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.
Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.
Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila®. Leave Shyness Behind. (tm))
Not really a joke so feel free to move it where you will. However, everyone I've told this to has cracked up at my utter stupidity. Um, if you copy it give me credit?? Enjoy!
:D
The Freak
Did you ever come to the realization that no matter how smart you are in some things, there will always be topics that make you go "Oh crap"?
I managed to have one of those days today. Now, I'd like to chalk this up to working too much and lack of sleep. We all know that this isn't true, I'm really this dumb.
For some reason, I've been on a major mashed potato kick as of late. Thank goodness for instant potato buds! Sadly, the last time I had made them, I had forgotten to buy more at the store. What to do? Of course this is also the time of the week when I am flat broke so running to the store was out of the question. But hey, I have regular potatoes! We'll just whip these babies up and go to town right?
Here in lies a slight problem. I'm not really that much of a cook. Heck, I have a hard time boiling water (the last time I did I managed to catch the stove on fire). This is why I adore the instant mashed potatoes, you nuke and run. I'm scrubbing away at the poor little spuds when I come to my first realization, I don't have a potato smasher. I contemplated using the blender but decided to just let the idea go for the night.
A couple of days later at work I was talking with my coworkers about cooking. I mentioned the fact that I didn't have a masher and was at a loss as to what would whip the potatoes up. My coworker pointed me to my mixer saying that's what she always used. I think about this for a second and then ask her if she has one of those industrial mixers. She says no, why? Well, I ask, wouldn't it break the beaters?
I'll give those of you who actually cook a second to stop laughing.
At this time, both coworkers look at me like "She can't be serious can she?" Finally the first one asks "Freak, you do know you cook the potatoes first, right?" Here in lies the second realization, I truly am a moron when it comes to cooking. Obviously this made the office rounds with in moments and well, at least everyone got a great laugh.
Hopefully you all were amused by this little story. Even my friends who don't cook either were cracking up over my good fortune. Now, if you don't mind, I have some potatoes to eat. Don't worry, these are the type that are already done. God bless Country Crock!!
LMAO! After your potatoes are cooked a fork will work. Especially if you like them lumpy like I do.
lol ok here is a good one me and a friend went to college to start class so we got the app and went home fill them out and 2 day later i told her i was getting mine filled out she said ok she was going to finish hers to bout 3 hrs later she calls and said ok i have a question to ask i said ok she said im done and where it said visa i put down sry i have a mastercard no visa ok i had to really not laughing on the phone then she say where it was i an alien i put no im from Texas at this point i said let me call you back i was rolling on the floor but i didnt want her to know this so i called her back and explian to her what they was she was 3o she has me why i had to get off the phone i told her a lie i had to let the dog back in lol but i never told her i laugh so hard i was crying
Quote from: nightperson on February 16, 2006, 06:45:33 PM
lol ok here is a good one me and a friend went to college to start class so we got the app and went home fill them out and 2 day later i told her i was getting mine filled out she said ok she was going to finish hers to bout 3 hrs later she calls and said ok i have a question to ask i said ok she said im done and where it said visa i put down sry i have a mastercard no visa ok i had to really not laughing on the phone then she say where it was i an alien i put no im from Texas at this point i said let me call you back i was rolling on the floor but i didnt want her to know this so i called her back and explian to her what they was she was 3o she has me why i had to get off the phone i told her a lie i had to let the dog back in lol but i never told her i laugh so hard i was crying
Man, that sounds like something I would do! I actually very smart in some things but in others, well, I'm a moron. Take the whole Cheney shooting thing. I couldn't figure out what he had against Dan. See I saw the headline Cheney was shooting at Quail. I probably should have read it closer eh?
:o
i guess it is how you read it but hers was in good way she didnt think but then she is a good friend we laugh bout it know
Maybe the Best Blonde Joke Ever.........
I thought this one was pretty funny and I don't usually appreciate blond jokes.
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get
it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread allover
the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box,
then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do,
we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he
sighed,......................
.......................
......................
Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
omg that was too funny nice one
I'm blond (peroxide) and I found it hysterically funny. :D
George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are
flying on Air Force One.
The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles,
and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the
window right now and make somebody very happy."
The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could
throw ten $100 bills out the window and make 10
people very happy."
Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of
course, then, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the
window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot,
"Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could
throw the three of them out the window and make
56 million people really happy."
Excellent ,foxx, thanks for the laugh :D
good one foxx ;)
OMG someone pick me up off the floor!
Reminds me of one time my son decided to cook ... he had frozen hamburgers for dinner. They were really brown on the outside and frozen on the inside.
Quote from: pogofreak on February 16, 2006, 06:32:14 PM
Not really a joke so feel free to move it where you will. However, everyone I've told this to has cracked up at my utter stupidity. Um, if you copy it give me credit?? Enjoy!
:D
The Freak
Did you ever come to the realization that no matter how smart you are in some things, there will always be topics that make you go "Oh crap"?
I managed to have one of those days today. Now, I'd like to chalk this up to working too much and lack of sleep. We all know that this isn't true, I'm really this dumb.
For some reason, I've been on a major mashed potato kick as of late. Thank goodness for instant potato buds! Sadly, the last time I had made them, I had forgotten to buy more at the store. What to do? Of course this is also the time of the week when I am flat broke so running to the store was out of the question. But hey, I have regular potatoes! We'll just whip these babies up and go to town right?
Here in lies a slight problem. I'm not really that much of a cook. Heck, I have a hard time boiling water (the last time I did I managed to catch the stove on fire). This is why I adore the instant mashed potatoes, you nuke and run. I'm scrubbing away at the poor little spuds when I come to my first realization, I don't have a potato smasher. I contemplated using the blender but decided to just let the idea go for the night.
A couple of days later at work I was talking with my coworkers about cooking. I mentioned the fact that I didn't have a masher and was at a loss as to what would whip the potatoes up. My coworker pointed me to my mixer saying that's what she always used. I think about this for a second and then ask her if she has one of those industrial mixers. She says no, why? Well, I ask, wouldn't it break the beaters?
I'll give those of you who actually cook a second to stop laughing.
At this time, both coworkers look at me like "She can't be serious can she?" Finally the first one asks "Freak, you do know you cook the potatoes first, right?" Here in lies the second realization, I truly am a moron when it comes to cooking. Obviously this made the office rounds with in moments and well, at least everyone got a great laugh.
Hopefully you all were amused by this little story. Even my friends who don't cook either were cracking up over my good fortune. Now, if you don't mind, I have some potatoes to eat. Don't worry, these are the type that are already done. God bless Country Crock!!
well, i have one that might beat that one..my fiance put a chicken on the rotisserie (sorry if thats spelled wrong) and let it go to cookin. well, about an hour into it cooking (which should've been half way, if not more than that, done) i went and checked on it...dumb cracker forgot to take in inners out and the chickens neck was stickin out its butt just turnin and flipping away (yes, imagine the sight if you will). i was laughing so hard at him i was crying!!!! i still to this day get him for it..tee hee!!!
Just a friendly warning: be sure that you are seated & NOT consuming food or beverage while reading this. I cannot be held responsible for any keyboards/mice/monitors ruined due to uncontrollable laughter :))
Also, it gets a little *mature* as it goes on. I've edited the text, but you can still infer the meaning:
CHILI COOK-OFF NOTE:
Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the score cards from the event:
CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy s***, what the h*** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
CHILI #2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now: get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all the beer
CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. wench is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p***** me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. S**** those rednecks!
CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s*** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that wench Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. Need to wipe my a** with a snow cone!
CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a d*** thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s*** to match my d*** shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. S**** it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8 - LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
lol...that was cute....guess we yanks don't really know what spicy means!
oh my that was goos and thanks for the warning before :)) reading it
Here's another of my fave's. Same warning as before ;D
The Disastrous Handyman's Job
Calling in sick to work made me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sensed that my boss thought I was lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning, I was taking my shower when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
Disaster struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't a hexed garbage disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our playful new little kitten, happily clawing at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner of the counter, and had stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now, when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements.
Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained monk could have calmly stood up with his privates supporting the weight of a clutching kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Both men and animals are sometimes faced with an emergency "fight or flight" situation. Men, in this predicament, can choose only the "flight" option.
"Fleeing" straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed, and jumps. It was a dismal irony. Whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk, or talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?", they asked.
If they had only known.
:))
k...that one got me....
:))
omg :)) :)) :)) :)) that was a good one ok what happen to kitty for all the trouble she/he cause lol poor kitty just want to play with it lol
Having seen a few beer-related conversations, I figure this one would be appreciated:
Beer Warnings
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to telephone him/her at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the h*** happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without drooling.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)!
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
The Disastrous Handyman's Job
I love it :))
OMG dj!! those jokes were freakin HYSTERICAL!!! :)) :)) :))
Quote from: babygurl424 on February 20, 2006, 05:40:52 AM
OMG dj!! those jokes were freakin HYSTERICAL!!! :)) :)) :))
Wow dj got to agree with babygurl , especially the alcohol, piece :)) :))
Thanks all ;D. Glad you like 'em O0
Having been on the 'Net for going on thirteen years now, you tend to accumulate some interesting material... Here's another great one. Same cautions as before apply lol.
Oh, and this was sent to me from one of the Dean's at the college I work for (my bosses' bosses' boss). I was shocked :o Hope you enjoy it!
*****The Gift*****
Paul is a fellow Air Force Retiree that worked for a while as a technical writer for the Boeing Helicopter division at Falcon Field here in Mesa, Arizona after retiring from the AF.
I figured he wrote dull, boring, old directives of a technical nature on how to properly install a spare part on an Apache Helicopter. Never did I dream that he was such a terrific writer as witnessed by the following account that I assume was taken from a true-life experience. I found it so funny and well written that I had to share it with all of you.
**********************************************************************
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. I bought something really cool for my wife, Sandy. The occasion was our 30th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety - way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and took it home. I loaded two triple AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. However, I learned that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. Awesome!!! I have yet to explain to Sandy what caused the burn spots on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, our cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second, but then thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Sandy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that; a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No friggin' way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY GUACAMOLE! DANG!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on the floor on my side in the fetal position, pecs on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're muscles contract and you are not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. ) SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both pecs were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip felt like it weighed 88 lbs., I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.
Still in shock, Paul
hahaha!!! my brother is a security guard and has a taser gun..shocked the s**t outta one of his friends with and he felt the same way..lol :))
sp.gf TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T: sp.gf
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk .
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
1.Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.
An elderly couple were sitting in church one Sunday when she leaned over
to her husband and whispered, I just let out a "silent toot," what should I do?
He replied, " GET NEW BATTERIES FOR YOUR HEARING AID!!!" :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
Good one Bree :)) :)) :)) :))
trini and bree those were good ones!!! :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
:)) :)) :)) this smiley was made for that one
Thank you Jinx and Babygurl......and Night I think you are right I love the new smiley that laughs.... :)) :)) :))
Who says that computer geeks have no sense of humor >:D
Girlfriend 7.0 vs. Wife 1.0
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall option doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User,
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
lol dj!! :))
I have seen that before DJ but it never fails to give me a good laugh :)) :)) :))
Thanks,
Jinx 8)
sp.gf LMAO!!! SO true too!! sp.gf
Pretty funny DJ...kind of offensive to this wife 1.0 but funny none the less!
A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thought for a second and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
First Day of School
Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher told the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.
He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.
"Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
"Little Johnny - Hiking"
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.
"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
:)) Needed the laugh, thanks!
Love the little Johnny jokes. Thanks!!
y'all are welcome! :)
you all are to funny thats why i love it here :)) :)) :))
yes i must agree.lol i get more then a few laughs here. ;D
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting
in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself,
"Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that
my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while
we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that
my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself,
"Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath?
I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting,
but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out.
Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife
and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed,
climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves
his face very close to hers and says,
"Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies,
"Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks." :)) :)) :))
:)) :)) very good one
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here" she wrote "Sagittarius."
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She studied for a blood test.
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left" - she turned around and went home.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him."
:)) :)) :)) omg that was so good i really like them thanks
Quote from: nightperson on February 26, 2006, 05:55:18 PM
:)) :)) :)) omg that was so good i really like them thanks
yvw
Very good ones Pogohateme.... :)) :)) :))
:)) simply put
Quote from: pogohatesme on February 26, 2006, 05:52:29 PM
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him."
And.....it's legal in all 50 States, lol.
lol I'll admit it.....sometimes when I'm mad at my bf I'll hide his PS2 memory card......or the controllers lol
Quote from: pogohatesme on February 26, 2006, 09:23:04 PM
lol I'll admit it.....sometimes when I'm mad at my bf I'll hide his PS2 memory card......or the controllers lol
I think that's legal too, lol. Not nice but legal!!
WARNING: while it is a spotlessly clean joke, those of us with filthy minds will find perverse humor in it >:D
LMAO I'm just curious who else will join the ranks of me & the principal after reading this :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
*************************************************************************************
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"
LMAO!!! :)) Thanks DJ
LMAO :)) :)) too funny :))
Thanks for the laugh
Marjorie
lol great joke :))
lol..that was a good one dj!!
That was really funny DJ :)) :))
what a hoot thanks
Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used Tide
all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white
blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me
about
how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One
thing led to another, and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood
on
my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain
detergent,
but it just wouldn't come out.
After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid
Tide with Bleach Alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction,
all
of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the
detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my
blouse
were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no
longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION !!!!!
1. The sport of choice for the
urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors
is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and........
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) to funny pogo thanks O0
Idiots In Service
This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working.! He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him, "Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"
Idiots At Work
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
Idiots In The Neighborhood
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
Idiot Sighting
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Idiot Sighting
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Idiot Sighting
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
Idiot Sighting
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was un-locked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) thanks pogo :)) :)) :))
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) OMG that is too funny!
Scary, but funny! :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
that was so funny pogo :)) :)) :)) :))
BUSH HAS TO GO
I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes. Since President Bush took office,
I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go!
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein (https://img102.imageshack.us/img102/9697/saddium9wj.jpg)
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) OMG That is freakin' HYSTERICAL :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
A lady bought a new Lexus. It cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam",
said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you
will hear exactly that!" She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused.
She looked at the radio and said "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds
of "On the road again." The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
Suddenly, at a traffic light, her light turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports
utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a horrible collision. "As***le", she muttered. And, from the
radio, "Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States."
Dessert Test
[/b][/size]
No cheating. If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose? Pick your dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you! Sorry you can only pick one.
Angel Food Cake
Brownies
Lemon Meringue Pie
Vanilla Cake with Chocolate icing
Strawberry Short Cake
Chocolate Icing on Chocolate Cake
Ice Cream
Carrot Cake
NO. You can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully what your choice will be!
PS: My pick was Carrot Cake. Tell what you pick would be without looking at the answers.OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what psychiatric research says about you:
ANGEL FOOD CAKE... Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day; can be immature at times.
BROWNIES... You are adventurous, love new ideas, and are a champ! One of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
LEMON MERINGUE... Smooth, sexy, and articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many good friends.
VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING... Fun loving, sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you. You are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.
STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You also tend to melt. You can be overly emotional at times. And sometimes can be annoying.
CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE... Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.
ICE CREAM... You like sports, whether it is baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
CARROT CAKE... You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.
i chose strawberry shortcake but the answer doesnt describe me to well :P
Good ones bree......I said lemon merangue but with those descriptions I'm more of a Vanilla Cake with Chocolate person lol
Mine was Chocolate Icing on Chocolate Cake... Dead on ;D
i'm 100%brownies :D
Choclate on Choclate here...yeppers thats about right for me
brownies mmmmmmmmmmmm
Tom and Sue live in a mental institution. They are walking along one day next to the pool when Tom takes off and jumps into the deeps end trying to drown himself. Sue quickly jumps in the deep end and saves him and helps him to his room. After the careworkers hear about what happend they sit down and discuss it. Then the head careworker goes to Sue and says "I have good news and bad news." "The good news is, because you shown that you can act like you did and be so rational in the event of that emergency we've decided to let you out to try it in the real world." "Great!", Sue replies. "What's the bad news?" The careworker quickly replies, "Well Sue, we're really sorry but after you jumped into the pool to save Tom, he went into his room and hung himself in the shower with his tie."
"No he didn't," Sue replied, "That's where I hung him out to dry"
Thank you all and that was a cute joke, Pogo... :))
omg they are all to funny really like the tide one thou i use tide lol
Quote from: pogohatesme on March 04, 2006, 04:33:32 PM
Tom and Sue live in a mental institution. They are walking along one day next to the pool when Tom takes off and jumps into the deeps end trying to drown himself. Sue quickly jumps in the deep end and saves him and helps him to his room. After the careworkers hear about what happend they sit down and discuss it. Then the head careworker goes to Sue and says "I have good news and bad news." "The good news is, because you shown that you can act like you did and be so rational in the event of that emergency we've decided to let you out to try it in the real world." "Great!", Sue replies. "What's the bad news?" The careworker quickly replies, "Well Sue, we're really sorry but after you jumped into the pool to save Tom, he went into his room and hung himself in the shower with his tie."
"No he didn't," Sue replied, "That's where I hung him out to dry"
:)) Psych humor...always funny!
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified
at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be
the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"
:)) :))
little billy just got a brand new bicycle for christmas
he was so happy, he decided to go try it out right away
he was riding down the street when a cop on a horse stopped him
the cop said to little billy" i think i could give you a fine for riding that bike so fast"
little billy replied " i think the a** goes on the back of the horse not on top of it
LMAO :)) :)) :))
rofl :)) :))
::) :)) :)) :))
lol great jokes
Telemarketers
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Jerry Bisel". Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling.
The telemarketer said he was with the Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number.
I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears", I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.
I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running feet.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.
:D 8)
Quote from: Jinx55 on March 06, 2006, 02:50:11 PM
Telemarketers
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Jerry Bisel". Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling.
The telemarketer said he was with the Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number.
I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears", I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.
I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running feet.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.
:D 8)
Lol too cute! My dad and brother are both named the same and when my brother was littler and telemarketers would call and ask for him by name, my dad would pass the phone to my little bro who could talk their ear off lolol
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the
children rush to find seats.
"We ll," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced
to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right," says the case worker. "I'm seeing a pattern here.
Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
And when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all comes arunning.
And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming
Them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come,
and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names."
ohhhh I love it!! :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
that was a hoot :)) :)) :))
omg! I fell off my chair laughing had to stop and take a breather on that one almost gave myself a heart attack tryin top read it without laughing so hard im cryin buckets I woke my brother up laughin so hard hahahahaha that was good!
Quote from: DJ_SI on February 19, 2006, 12:55:06 PM
Just a friendly warning: be sure that you are seated & NOT consuming food or beverage while reading this. I cannot be held responsible for any keyboards/mice/monitors ruined due to uncontrollable laughter :))
Also, it gets a little *mature* as it goes on. I've edited the text, but you can still infer the meaning:
CHILI COOK-OFF NOTE:
Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the score cards from the event:
CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy s***, what the h*** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
CHILI #2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now: get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all the beer
CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. wench is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really p***** me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. S**** those rednecks!
CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s*** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that wench Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. Need to wipe my a** with a snow cone!
CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a d*** thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s*** to match my d*** shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. S**** it. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8 - LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
omg :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) now that was worth 4 x the little guys
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened
to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when
the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all
day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping
at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.
Nice!
:D sp.gf
that was a good one the milkman spb.gif
lol that's cute
Lucy you got some splannin to do
OMG this one just had me rolling :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
That was a good one DJ... :)) :))
Quote from: DJ_SI on March 08, 2006, 08:19:56 AM
OMG this one just had me rolling :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
:)) :)) :)) :))
Here's one I received today that had me :)) :)) :))
The hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting
room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye
on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
..........."S**T!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center
Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations
============================================
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,
it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
federal government employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom
and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the
better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Lol Thanks for the laugh, Jinx. That's a classic! Haven't seen it in a while, but still funny as ever! :)) :)) :))
omg :)) :)) i can say thay do have some question on there that is very dumb but this is good
That was a good one Jinx... :)) :))
OMG, Jinx! You just described every single solitary person where I work! Buncha geniuses, I tell ya! :)) :)) :))
:)) :)) Those are sooooo funny!! :)) :))
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He
headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and........
HE'S the son-of-a-b***h who ran over my FROG!"
Quote from: SaintHippo on March 08, 2006, 03:58:57 PM
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He
headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?
"He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and........
HE'S the son-of-a-b***h who ran over my FROG!"
Haha I've heard that one before and I love it!
good 1 saint love it :D :)) :)) that calls for a cold 1 spb.gif
TOP COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS (2006)
16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That
Chewed Your As** Out All Day Long
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then
Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So
Well
11. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman
..... But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few !!!
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm
Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon
Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're
Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd
Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure
Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number One song is ..
1. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting
Better !!
Lmao...thats a good one :)) :))
lol those are great :D
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....nice bree...
lmao.that has to be the best thing ever associated to boring ass country music ;D
yup very nice one bree i have some going to put on here when done with badges on my last friends so be kind to me ppl these were sent to me
Thank you all and I am glad you enjoyed them.... :)
yw bree that make my day when im having a bad one i come here and bingo it makes me smile of coarse the workers look at me when i let go a good laugh are a little bit of drinks come flying out of the mouth and on my desk :)) :))
A friend emailed me these today and thought all of you might enjoy them.....
(https://img222.imageshack.us/img222/1654/checkemails6ua.jpg)
(https://img222.imageshack.us/img222/1417/doctorandpatient1fu.gif)
(https://img222.imageshack.us/img222/2701/getmyemail5fp.gif)
(https://img222.imageshack.us/img222/8748/ladywperfume6do.jpg)
(https://img222.imageshack.us/img222/4080/wifeandfather8pi.gif)
(https://img51.imageshack.us/img51/4937/dogsoncomputer0ix.jpg)
:)) :)) :)) love the one on the puters they are very :)) indeed
(https://img147.imageshack.us/img147/5314/beer3fr.jpg)
you got that right gas here is 2.34 gal. that is the s.e. of Indiana
I love Homer's laugh house, always gets me laughing. Thanks to all !
(https://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b121/cmess/pee25252525252525252Dpants.gif)
ya i know what you mean makes my day better going when it is going bad :))
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
:)) :)) here that one you get a spb.gif
:)) DJ....too frickin funny! I have to send that to all my attorney friends...
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a
quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting
to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of
office for a year!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and
whispers..."It's pronounced "keesh"
Lmao....thats a good one
Quote from: foxx on March 10, 2006, 01:21:17 PM
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,
"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a
quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting
to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of
office for a year!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and
whispers..."It's pronounced "keesh"
LOL I Love that!!!
:)) :)) pretty good love that one
A teacher asks her class, ' If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ' None, they will all fly away with
the first gun shot.'
The teacher replies, ' The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little Johnny says ' I have a question for you. There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the
triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the
cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ' Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. '
To which Little Johnny replied, ' The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking. '
If AOL Were A City...
You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.
:D
That was too funny Thetoe...... :)) :)) And Welcome to the forum!!! :)
Thanks, I've been lurking for a very long time, just my first post. :)
welcome thetoe and very nice to have you here, that was pertty good i like the 911 :)) :))
THESE ARE ACTUAL CLASSIFIED ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bit*h. Bites
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat . Been out a while. better be a reward for this nasty little thing.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK: $300 Hardly used , call Chubby
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. ! !
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
lol theres some good ones in there :))
them was really good ty
Thank You Both and here is something else to make you laugh.....
Beer Truck For Homer
|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
| DUFF BEER | ||'""|""\__,_
| _____________ l ||__|__|___|)
|(@(@)""""""""**|(@)(@)***|(@)
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare azz" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross."
Salute to beer...... spb.gif spb.gif spb.gif
yep thats some good ones also....#16 is the best :))
lol those are great!!
Quote from: Tara on March 11, 2006, 08:57:23 AM
yep thats some good ones also....#16 is the best :))
i do say i will have to agree with there
I Just Can't Take The Chance
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife
passed away.
The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home For $5000, or you can bury her
here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her Shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home, when it would be
wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the
dead. I just can't take that chance."
lol thats cute!
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about
five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
It pays to be careful around old people.
:)) :)) Good ones Bree...keep them coming !!
Thanks Tara...
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato
had eyes for each other,
and finally they got married,
and had a little sweet potato,
which they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time,
they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out
and getting half-baked,
so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,
and get a bad name for herself like
'Hot Potato,'
and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry,
no Spud would get her into
the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand
she wouldn't stay home
and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise
so as not to be skinny
like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe,
Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam
to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.
And the greasy guys from France
called the French Fries.
And when she went out west,
to watch out for the Indians
so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on
the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate
with those high class Yukon Golds,
or the ones from the other side of the tracks
who advertise their trade
on all the trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U.
(that's Potato University)
so that when she graduated
she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her,
one-day Yam came home and announced
she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't
possibly marry Tom Brokaw
because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
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OK! Here it is!
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A COMMON TATER
Quote from: Redneck88 on March 11, 2006, 08:09:46 PM
Why cant a meteor come streeking out of the sky and pulverize baby?
Why cant a jogger spray mace on baby?
Why cant the same car that killed pumpkin...kill baby?
Why cant a bear come out of the woods and maul baby?
Why cant Ben sit on baby?
Why do good dogs suffer and stupid dogs dont?
baby is my dumb dog
I don't get it......
His dogs name is baby so u have to read it like that....I guess...Im not sure either
TO:GOD:
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kittylitter box, although they are tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying"hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, my last question . .
Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?
(https://img73.imageshack.us/img73/2862/dog8yi.gif)P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven can you reverse me being neutered?
3 Brazilian Soldiers
Rumsfeld is reporting to the President and the Cabinet. He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."
The President says, "Oh, my God!" as he buries his head in his hands. The entire Cabinet is stunned. Usually George W. Bush shows no reaction whatsoever to these reports.
Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a brazilian??"
omg :)) :))
:)) Nice.
funnyyyyyyy :)) :))
It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.
She replied, "Happy Butt."
The teacher said, "Honey, I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?"
And the little girl said, "Happy Butt"
The principal called the girl's Mom to get this straightened out once and for all.
After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl then exclaimed, " Glad Azz, Happy Butt, what's the difference???"
you guys have the funniest jokes they are really good :)) :))
A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm
Gonna say something with hell and you say something with azz." The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what
He wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat azz it won't be Cheerios."
that a good one :)) :))
LMAO :)) :)) :))
lol those are all great!!
This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
----------------------------------------
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
----------------------------------------
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
----------------------------------------
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
----------------------------------------
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
----------------------------------------
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
----------------------------------------
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
----------------------------------------
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the Letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
----------------------------------------
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
----------------------------------------
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
----------------------------------------
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
-------------------------------------
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
----------------------------------------
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
----------------------------------------
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
----------------------------------------
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
too funny :))
:)) :)) to funny
that was good needed a good laugh this morning :)) :)) :))
lol those are cute
very very cute :)) :)) :))
:)) :)) :)) :)) how did you know what my mil is really like? :)) :))
thanks bree made my day to funny :)) :)) :))
You're welcome Mama....
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"I had a rose named after me! and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a
bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
___________________________________________
"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever
seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw
that statement."
- Mark Twain
___________________________________________
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."
- George Burns
___________________________________________
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
- Victor Borge
_________________________________________________________
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- Mark Twain
_________________________________________________________
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir..mighty scarce."
- Mark Twain
_____________________________________________
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get" a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx
__________________________________________________________
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then
she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante
______________________________________________
"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most Things."
- Jilly Cooper
____________________________________________________________
"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
- ZsaZsaGabor
____________________________________________________________
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essentialfood groups:
alcohol,
caffeine, sugar and fat."
- Alex Levine
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes
you nothing. It was here first."
- Mark Twain
_______________________________________________
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
- Ed Furgol
_____________________________________________________________
"Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery."
- Spike Milligan
________________________________________________
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
- Henny Youngman
_______________________________________________________________
"I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position."
- Mark Twain
__________________________________________________
"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up."
- Joe Namath
_________________________________________________________________
"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."
- Herbert Henry Asquith
_________________________________________________________________
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap."
- Bob Hope
____________________________________________________
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
- WC. Fields
__________________________________________________________________
"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress."
- Will Rogers
__________________________________________________________________
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid
you."
- Winston Churchill
__________________________________________________________________
"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything elsestarts to
wear out, fall out,
or spread out."
- Phyllis Diller
___________________________________________________________________
"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out."
- Unknown
____________________________________________________________________
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere."
- Billy Crystal
:)) Theres some really good ones in there Bo :))
:)) good ones Bo :))
lol those are great :D
oh my them are really good :)) :))
good ones bo :)) :)) :)) thanks
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
[/b][/size]
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful,
God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one
problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them
with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went
on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.........she felt that having
only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.
"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you
needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." and God reached down, removed the middle
breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
"Well, Eve how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram
and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate
and I will immediately create a man from a part of you Now let's see.......... .where did I put the useless boob?"
--------Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
The Bathtub
============
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to
time, and this should help get you started
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him
or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would
use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
teacup."
"No" said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug ...
Do you want a room with or without a view?" :o 8)
Prison versus work....
When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
too funny :)) :))
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
The other day I went to the local religious book store and I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "Go Jesus Christ, Go!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And it's a good thing I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly woman he's runnin' around with."
25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM when you can.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23.. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
CLASSIFIED ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES
Mother, AKC German Shepherd
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything
>> One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife
>> dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she
>> purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>>
>> So he tied her up and went golfing
:))
those are soooooo funny :))
Quote from: pogohatesme on March 16, 2006, 04:21:24 AM
25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
:-\
Quote from: pogohatesme on March 16, 2006, 04:21:24 AM
25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM when you can.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23.. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
Ok 23 DOES NOT APPLY to me. So there.
:)) #23 doesn't apply to me either most the rest do though :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
lol those are great!
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old
poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to
good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just
when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with old folks...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullcrap stuff and brilliance only come with
age and experience!
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more "youth challenged" than others!!!
The Monkey
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river to get a drink. The lizard climbs down the tree and
staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then
fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting
finishing up a joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says, "DAMNNNNNNN........DUDE ! How much water did you drink?!"
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots
had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the
stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect
pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it
could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while
we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without
you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting
and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
To all of my FRIENDS, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path .
Those are cute Bree...thanks! :D
This is cute..Some has way to much time on their hands to do this one.
Click here: What Your Computer Does At Night
spb.gif
Heres some Irish one liners for ya all on this great day
Irish blessing: May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are dead
One night a man was chatting with his Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told him she had mellowed a lot after having four children over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't gotten it yet.
:)) :)) :))
funny funny Bubble..... :)) :))
Cowboy In Church
One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt, and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn-out Bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed in expensive clothes and accessories.
As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.
"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
GREEN SPOTS
A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs. A green spot on the inside of each.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the
problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots?
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy -- there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
oh dear :))
Lol some redneck humor straight from the heart of Texas (Ft. Worth, actually) :))
Subject: RED NECK {must be read to be truly appreciated!}
You're An EXTREME Redneck if:
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One or more of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Bonus Comment (I'm curious about how many of you "politically correct" gringos are going to complain about THIS one *grin*):
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
Quote from: Bree on March 17, 2006, 09:18:35 AM
GREEN SPOTS
A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs. A green spot on the inside of each.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the
problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots?
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy -- there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
omg... :)) :)) good one
Quote from: DJ_SI on March 17, 2006, 09:48:24 AM
Lol some redneck humor straight from the heart of Texas (Ft. Worth, actually) :))
Subject: RED NECK {must be read to be truly appreciated!}
You're An EXTREME Redneck if:
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One or more of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Bonus Comment (I'm curious about how many of you "politically correct" gringos are going to complain about THIS one *grin*):
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
I love the redneck part...there all good theres no way I could pick a favorite :)) :))
Quote from: DJ_SI on March 17, 2006, 09:48:24 AM
Lol some redneck humor straight from the heart of Texas (Ft. Worth, actually) :))
Subject: RED NECK {must be read to be truly appreciated!}
You're An EXTREME Redneck if:
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One or more of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Bonus Comment (I'm curious about how many of you "politically correct" gringos are going to complain about THIS one *grin*):
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
Redneck jokes are my favorite..... :)) :)) And thanks Tara and I love your new avatar and signature O0
Quote from: Bree on March 17, 2006, 09:18:35 AM
GREEN SPOTS
A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs. A green spot on the inside of each.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the
problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots?
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy -- there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
Why bree...you naughty, naughty girl you! Hilarious!
Quote from: foxx on March 17, 2006, 11:05:12 AM
Why bree...you naughty, naughty girl you! Hilarious!
Foxx, friends jut send them to me and yes I have to admit I have a naughty :-X side to me!!
Quote from: Bree on March 17, 2006, 11:10:15 AM
Quote from: foxx on March 17, 2006, 11:05:12 AM
Why bree...you naughty, naughty girl you! Hilarious!
Foxx, friends jut send them to me and yes I have to admit I have a naughty :-X side to me!!
That's good to know... ;)
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
OMG.... :)) good one DJ :))
Quote from: DJ_SI on March 17, 2006, 12:26:05 PM
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
:)) :)) This is great...I love it
80 year old lady
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
? ? Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
? ? The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:? "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
? ? The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,?? tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss hthiickk...aaand?? rrunns by bbaatteries ? ? ? The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
? ? "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"
:)) :)) :))
OMG.... :)) :)) :))
:)) Oh man my grams is 80
Quote from: ClingFree on March 17, 2006, 01:53:03 PM
:)) Oh man my grams is 80
As long as shes not vibrating when she talks I think she will be ok :))
Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ....... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .....$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ........... $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 .......$10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ..........$33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ......... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ....... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ............ $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99............. $84.48 per gallon
AND THIS IS THE REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49.........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source.
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, Pepto Bismol or Nyquil.
Its definitely a better way to look at gas prices ee2.1.gif
:)) :)) they are all good but the old lady :))
Quote from: triniqueen27 on March 17, 2006, 01:47:11 PM
80 year old lady
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
? ? Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
? ? The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:? "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
? ? The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,?? tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss hthiickk...aaand?? rrunns by bbaatteries ? ? ? The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
? ? "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"
:)) :)) :))
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) Nice one Trini!
It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. We will never regret piercing our ears.
13. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
14. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening! anyway.
Send this to all the bright women you know and make their day!!!!!
ee2.1.gif
Now this is just awesome.... I love it...thxs for posting O0
Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Easter Bunny
10. Shows up wearing the costume head and nothing else.
9. Reeks of tequila and Easter egg dye.
8. Immediately asks if he can have Easter off.
7. Refuses to hop because it aggravates his double hernia.
6. For an extra 20 bucks, parents can buy an ounce of his special "Easter grass".
5. Only gives the kids candy after they attend his presentation on the time-share condos.
4. Keeps muttering something about "infidels" and "jihad".
3. Costume is made from animal skin he scraped off the interstate.
2. Habitually licks and grooms himself.
1. The enormous ears? Steroids.
THis one is even better!!
A husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am
the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet
meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous
dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so
I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress
me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The freakin' funeral director would be my guess."
CAN OF WORMS
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
(https://img471.imageshack.us/img471/4628/maxine2lv.jpg)
Don't you just love little old Maxine
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a
fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over
to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot
of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay
you $5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer
you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment
unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls
out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Air phone with his
modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer
politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The
programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so
what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands
the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
:D
lol those are all great guys :))
Hey guys and gals......just too funny. Kept it comming. :)) :)) :)) :))
An Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing
is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in the front of the plane....."If I am to die, I want my last
minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can
make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has
forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the
rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown
hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning
his shirt... one button at a time...No one moves...He removes his
shirt... Muscles ripple across his chest ..She gasps......He whispers
.....
"Iron this, and get me something to eat..."
:o :o :o
Hi y'all, this is cool. It's just a simple eye test that determines if your proned to any physical and/or possible weaknesses that show signs to look for. The results allow you to have a better understanding in preventive personal health problems.
Click on the link then Look steadily into the center for about 20 seconds and follow your own test results.
Eye Test
http://home.mn.rr.com/t1camp1/Focus.swf
:)) :)) :)) :)) :))
I think someone already posted that one. LOL
she's trying to make us the butt of her joke
Quote from: pogohatesme on March 18, 2006, 04:21:45 PM
she's trying to make us the butt of her joke
No no .. thats the Catch-a-Poo Game!!
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US, PLEASE!!!
[/b][/size]
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night
The 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells
To the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year
Old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs
And pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting
At the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head
And says, "I sure hope never get that forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden
Table for good measure. "She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you
As soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
Second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in,
"So am I. Let's have a beer."
__________________________________________
WHAT A CHOICE
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
Her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment
or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
____________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
They had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
Had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day,
They were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
Don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just
Can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least
Three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to know?"
_____________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman,
I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just
One car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see
Over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the
Passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn
We just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came
to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right
through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it! She was
getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other Woman
and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to
her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
______________________________________________________
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has
Been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even
The accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher says, "Stay calm, Maam,
An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
lol love those!!
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond?
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.
Quote from: Brandon493 on March 19, 2006, 06:08:32 AM
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond?
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.
Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.
lol that's too cute! Makes me think of one that all the late night guys were using around that time....
How does President Bush feel about Row vs. Wade?
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
He doesn't care how they get outta New Orleans
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
:)) :)) very cute ee4.gif
These three boys were walking home from school. All of a sudden, they saw a naked lady sunbathing so of course, they stopped to look. Then, right out of the blue, one of the kids takes off running.
The next day, they see the same lady, and again, the same kid takes off running.
On the third day they stop to see the lady, and she is still there. But this time, before the kid can run away, his two friends grab him by the arm, and they ask him "What's the matter, don't you like looking at naked women?" And the kid replies, "Yeah, but my mommy told me that if I look at a naked woman too long, I'll turn to stone. And I felt something getting hard."
>:D
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said. "That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your damned attitude changes!" :D
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only "fasten 8."
:P
:)) :)) :)) funny
How to wash the cat
Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that
he cannot escape).
Flush the toilet three or four times.
Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG
lol cute bubble. O0
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I freaking didn't"
Quote from: Brandon493 on March 19, 2006, 10:55:55 AM
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
:o LMAO
HA HA HA HA HA HA.... :)) BWAH ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....
OMG those were all too freakin' hillarious! TY all :)) :)) :))
:-p I've got tons of them..I'll post some more later! ;)
THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"
An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
Good one's Brandon!! :D :)) :))
Red Skelton's Tips For A Happy Marriage
1. Two times a week, go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric t o a ster and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said. "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
:)) Thanks Brandon! I'll send you the bill for the new pants and undies! :P
Quote from: foxx on March 19, 2006, 12:24:49 PM
:)) Thanks Brandon! I'll send you the bill for the new pants and undies! :P
Okay, lol :D
:)) you are a dirty little bird Brandon...and i love it! :))
Thanks for all of these, they have made my day!
:))
Quote from: foxx on March 19, 2006, 12:29:29 PM
:)) you are a dirty little bird Brandon...and i love it! :))
Thanks for all of these, they have made my day!
you're welcome lol :P
Quote from: Brandon493 on March 19, 2006, 12:38:06 PM
This guy has a bad case of hemorrhoids, he decides to go see the doctor. The doctor says, "It's not too bad, you just need to put these suppositories up your ass." The doctor then says, "I'll give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you the second this evening." The man replies, "Okay." Later that evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor said, and she said she would help. She puts one hand upon his shoulder and tells him to bend over. All of the sudden the guy screams "Oh My God!!" "What's wrong?" The man replies, "I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me my medicine."
:o :))
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in the father's room the other day and guess what I found? A bunch of ****ographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
:o
OMG :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
Best five jokes I've ever heard and all in a row! Thanks Brandon!
Quote from: PogoLovinMonkey on March 19, 2006, 12:43:01 PM
OMG :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
Best five jokes I've ever heard and all in a row! Thanks Brandon!
You're welcome..I've still got plenty more...lol
ok...people are going to accuse me of laughing at these just to up my posts...( I know how some of you think! :o)
but OMG... :))
*need to run away from the Laugh house for a while...afraid of accidents! You dirty dirty boy!
Quote from: foxx on March 19, 2006, 12:44:52 PM
ok...people are going to accuse me of laughing at these just to up my posts...( I know how some of you think! :o)
but OMG... :))
*need to run away from the Laugh house for a while...afraid of accidents! You dirty dirty boy!
lmao ;D ;D
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) thats was great thanks O0
omg :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) thanks for these i`ll be laughin all day :)
Omg! :)) :)) :)) Every single one of these has been hysterical!
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) i can`t take it your to much brandon :)) :)) :)) :))
Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
and (drum roll please) the number one Reason to Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
all i can say is :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) thanks O0 <3 ee2.gif
brandon you are makin my day :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) think i`m gonna pee my undies ::) :)) :)) :)) thanks O0
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey, Honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge! I bet it is as big as the gas grill now."
The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt. "Yep." he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size." The wife got very upset and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband for the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"
Well, she told him!
19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
Quote from: Brandon493 on March 19, 2006, 01:28:43 PM
19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
I've heard those ones at least 10 times and I still laugh every time. :D
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):
I think a good portion of these came from student's as well...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had ---diahre--- ---dyrea--- ---direathe--- the shits.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Quote from: Brandon493 on March 19, 2006, 01:49:47 PM
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
See what happens when you don't listen to your parents? Just like your father said, he bought you into this world and he can take you out!
Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty,the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutching her throat, and begin to turn blue. (obviously in serious respiratory distress)
One said to the other, "That gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Do you think we should go help?" "You bet!" said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can you breath?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief. At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work!"
:)) :)) :)) These are too good Brandon.
Wow Brandon.....some of those I just don't know about lolol :)) :)) :)) I think you've posted more today than I've seen ya post before lol
Quote from: pogohatesme on March 19, 2006, 02:17:48 PM
Wow Brandon.....some of those I just don't know about lolol :)) :)) :)) I think you've posted more today than I've seen ya post before lol
Yeah lol :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
:)) :))
:o :o :)) :))
this thread is to funny thanks i could stay in here all day :)) :)) :))
WoW! That was good. :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE
A little old lady answered a knock
on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a
vacuum cleaner. " Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a
couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I
haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've
got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
:o :o :o :)) :)) :))
Guts or Balls
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness
to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat
while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled
with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The
Pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could
no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied,
"Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions
said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
:)) :)) :)) ee2.1.gif to to funny
lol those are great guys! Wow this thread has been busier than I've seen it ever over the past couple of days
How to have fun at a fast food joint
1. Ask for last months specials.
2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.
3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.
4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.
5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.
6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.
7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.
8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.
9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.
10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.
11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windows with some glass cleaner.
12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.
13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.
14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!
15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having
16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you get your food.
17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.
18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.
19. As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.
20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank you this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."
21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.
22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.
23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately.
24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.
25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.
Quote from: bubblegum on March 20, 2006, 07:09:47 AM
How to have fun at a fast food joint
4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.
Okay, you can laugh ... My Mother did that - without intending to - and called me to tell me the story and couldnt understand why I was laughing so hard I couldn't talk.
A little sports humor:
(https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20060320/lcrspe060320.gif)
:)) at all the funnies! Koalas, hind lick.... :))
lol those are all great!
Quote from: bubblegum on March 20, 2006, 07:09:47 AM
How to have fun at a fast food joint
17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.
:)) :))...love this one
You know how they tell you to pull up and they will bring your food out to you? Tell them no and just sit there...for real I've done it...they just look at you crazy and there so shocked they don't even say anything... :))
OK. That was good. Just too funny. O0 :)) :)) :))
Okay I just saw Ashton Kutcher lip-synching, badly, to Manic Monday and maybe it was the pink scarf but I was cracking UP! ...
Anyways - Any commercials that make you actually laugh out loud?
Haven't seen that one yet...
I love the "Unpimp your ride" ones that Volkswagen has right now...Peter Stormwaire (sp?) is hilarious in those..
My bf has me hooked on one from that I keep seeing on ESPN with the SUV and the crab and the little crab keeps saying "I Pinch I Pinch"
Quote from: foxx on March 20, 2006, 07:25:22 PM
Haven't seen that one yet...
I love the "Unpimp your ride" ones that Volkswagen has right now...Peter Stormwaire (sp?) is hilarious in those..
Everytime I see the new VW commercials, all I can think about are the old "Sprockets" sketches from SNL ;D
"Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance. My name is Dieter. Auf Wiedersehen!" :)) :)) :))
Bad Food
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put
Into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
Ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
Food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
Realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But
There is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
Will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
Grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of
Quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."
______________________________________________________________________
Old Folks
This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat. His wife
Says,"Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she
Said, "Are you sick?" "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new
Viagra pills." So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat. He
Said," Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He
Said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old
Thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."
______________________________________________________________________
French Trip
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate
his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. Whiting
admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said,
"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans
Always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D- Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find
any Frenchmen to show it to".
_____________________________________________________________________
Married old folks are funny too..
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm
and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
"Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask.
"So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob
smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90".
:)) :)) :)) :))
Now THAT was funny! :)) :)) :)) :))
:)) :))great jokes guys :))
Too funny awesome jokes! :) :) ee2.1.gif ee2.1.gif :)) :)) :)) O0
This guy who stutters badly, walks into a Bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer". The Bartender, who is badly Humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, " That will be $2.50 please!"
The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!".
The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, " Sssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease!
The Bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please!".
The guy says" Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"
The bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!".
The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving he says" Bbbartender tthanks for nnott mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere!"
The bartender said, "Oh that's OK! I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were here."
The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK, eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh...I ttthougt it wwas yyour ASS!
George walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, George started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what George had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said George, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
Ah, yes...Sprockets! I totally forgot about that sketch! Good ol' Mike Myers... ;D
I love the BCBS one with the guy dancin'!!
"Let me see ya move something"!!!!
8)
lol love the olive one!!
This came from my Wife (a retired English Teacher) Have a Nice Day 8) O0
THIS SHOULD RATTLE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE!
If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak
fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely
language we share is only for the brave. Pursue at your leisure, English
lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8.) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French
fries in
France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which
aren't sweet, are meat...
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea or is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that
you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and
ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an
odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
PS - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
Jinx, you have helped me in looking even more like a fool here in the office. Each time I read one of those lines in my mind, I laughed out loud and no one thinks this job is funny enough to laugh about it!
:)) :)) to funny
lol great jokes again today guys!!
Subject: STRANGER THAN FICTION?
I sure hope these are not true:
ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE: A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I look the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE: Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX: I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN: My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT: Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE: A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.
GOOD
>>>In Richardson, Texas A State Trooper was running radar. He had a
>>>perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he
>>>discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road
>>>with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
>>>The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
>>>reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell
>>>lemonade!)
>>>
>>>
>>>BETTER
>>>A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
>>>automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was
>>>included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
>>>The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
>>>
>>>BEST
>>>A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX
>
>>>State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
>>>book,she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas
>>>State Police Ball."
>>>He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls."
>>>
>>>There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what
>>>he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car
> and left.
>>>She was laughing too hard to start her car.
>>
Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that
this
>> be my last child support payment!
>> Month after month, year after year, all those damn
>> payments!
>>
>> So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and
>> when she get here, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take
>>this
>> check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last
>> check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come
>> back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's
face."
>>
>> So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be
>> anxious to hear what she say and what she look like.
>> Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo
>> momma say 'bout that?
>>
>> "She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy ... and
>>watch
>> the 'spression on yo face!"
>>
Quote from: pogohatesme on March 22, 2006, 03:51:49 AM
Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that
this
>> be my last child support payment!
>> Month after month, year after year, all those damn
>> payments!
>>
>> So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and
>> when she get here, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take
>>this
>> check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last
>> check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come
>> back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's
face."
>>
>> So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be
>> anxious to hear what she say and what she look like.
>> Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo
>> momma say 'bout that?
>>
>> "She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy ... and
>>watch
>> the 'spression on yo face!"
>>
I love this one.... :)) :))
:)) :)) i love yo come in here and read all the jokes makes my day thanks all :))
Quote from: DJ_SI on March 21, 2006, 10:57:11 PM
Subject: STRANGER THAN FICTION?
I sure hope these are not true:
ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't :))get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE: A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I look the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE: Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX: I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN: My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT: Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE: A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.
Would like to think they aren't true DJ...but you know they are.... :))
:)) :)) :)) good one
YU NUFFI SHOW OFF!!
Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he
could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New
Kingston. The first day, he saw a man coming up the Passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the
Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team
will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the
details." The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the
man, I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?
The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I came to hook up your phone."
>
>
> Laugh!!!!! Laugh out Loud!!!! Keep Laughing!!!!!
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) O0
HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?
Works for me!
The Top 15 Easiest Jobs in Show Business
15> Ellen DeGeneres' dressmaker
14> Geraldo Rivera's Fact Checker
13> Courtney Love's makeup artist
12> Stevie Wonder's interior decorator
11> MTV's music video scheduler
10> Color Me Badd's Booking Agent
9> "Dr. Who" set designer
8> Philip Seymour Hoffman's personal trainer
7> Johnny Knoxville's award-acceptance speechwriter
6> "Catwoman" Fan Club Coordinator
5> Jessica Simpson's personal librarian
4> Ron Howard's anger-management coach
3> Terri Hatcher's pastry chef
2> Steven Tyler's weightlifting spotter
and the Number 1 Easiest Job in Show Business...
1> Mr. Britney Spears
Quote from: Bree on March 23, 2006, 12:19:56 AM
The Top 15 Easiest Jobs in Show Business
15> Ellen DeGeneres' dressmaker
14> Geraldo Rivera's Fact Checker
13> Courtney Love's makeup artist
12> Stevie Wonder's interior decorator
11> MTV's music video scheduler
10> Color Me Badd's Booking Agent
9> "Dr. Who" set designer
8> Philip Seymour Hoffman's personal trainer
7> Johnny Knoxville's award-acceptance speechwriter
6> "Catwoman" Fan Club Coordinator
5> Jessica Simpson's personal librarian
4> Ron Howard's anger-management coach
3> Terri Hatcher's pastry chef
2> Steven Tyler's weightlifting sp****
and the Number 1 Easiest Job in Show Business...
1> Mr. Britney Spears
Haha! When you put it like that...I think I'd like to apply for a couple of those lol
r1.gif Rules Women Live By! r1.gif
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
4. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.
5. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks.
14. Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Also, just a thought for all the women out there...
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy ee2.1.gif
Quote from: Bree on March 23, 2006, 12:19:56 AM
The Top 15 Easiest Jobs in Show Business
and the Number 1 Easiest Job in Show Business...
1> Mr. Britney Spears
Love it !!
Quote from: triniqueen27 on March 23, 2006, 06:43:06 AM
r1.gif Rules Women Live By! r1.gif
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
4. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.
5. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks.
14. Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Also, just a thought for all the women out there...
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy ee2.1.gif
I can't even begin to pick out what I like best...there all awesome O0
*****WARNING***** - Read the below joke at your own risk! It is bathroom humor, literally lol. I had to wait a good five minutes after I finished reading to finally settle down; I've still got tears running down from laughing so hard!
Subject: Tales of a S***ty Day
All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a crap. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of a** cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for my wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:
1. Occupied.
2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3. S*** smeared on seat.
4. S*** and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5. No toilet paper, no stall door, something growing near base of toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful S***ter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.
I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. S***ter was blathering to Mrs. S***ter about the s***ty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My a** let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.
Once my a** cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:
(1) The next-door conversation had ceased;
(2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and
(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.
It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that(gag)??"
Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts. I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My s***-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.
There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.
As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.
I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my shamefulness to my anonymous s***-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to s*** in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.
:)) tears running down face...must go pee.... :))
o m g .. Im dying. I cannot breathe :))
Omg...thats the best one I've heard in a long time...I was laughing so hard 1/2 way thru I couldn't even see the screen... :)) :))
seeing my male chauvinest joke got deleted :-[ im scrapping the bottem of the barrell now lol
2 flys playing soccer in a saucer one fly says to the udder you better pick up on your game where playing in the cup next week :P
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Quote from: GeckoDundee on March 24, 2006, 05:15:39 PM
2 flys playing soccer in a saucer one fly says to the udder you better pick up on your game where playing in the cup next week :P
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Is this one of those things you see if you can say it 10 times real fast? :))
Quote from: Tara on March 24, 2006, 05:21:00 PM
Quote from: GeckoDundee on March 24, 2006, 05:15:39 PM
2 flys playing soccer in a saucer one fly says to the udder you better pick up on your game where playing in the cup next week :P
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Is this one of those things you see if you can say it 10 times real fast? :))
TARA!!! Get over here RIGHT NOW and clean the beer off my keyboard :)) :))
A very prim and proper southern lady was driving across the Cooper River Bridge in Charleston, SC, one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man walking near the edge of the bridge getting ready to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down her window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your Mom and Dad".
He replied, "My Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm gonna jump."
She said, "Well think of your wife and kids."
He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids; I'm gonna jump."
She said, " Well think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, " Who is Robert E. Lee?"
She replied, "Well just go ahead and jump then, you damn Yankee!!
Saturday March 25, 2006
Armed staff at England's Longleat Safari Park were told a lion had escaped. They ordered park workers indoors before realising they had been duped with a wooden cut-out in an unannounced training drill.
Friday March 24, 2006
Englishwoman Louise Arnold is having therapy to overcome a fear of peas. The Cheltenham woman flees restaurants if she spots peas in meals and gets anxious in supermarkets. She gets little sympathy, however, from friends, who bought her a T-shirt saying: "Give peas a chance".
Sunday February 12, 2006
Locals in Lymington, Hampshire, have been told by British police not to approach six missing, suspected stolen, water buffalo from behind as "they are able to spray dung across large distances". :)) bit like pogo :))
Saturday February 11, 2006
Rajkumar Sharma, 19, accused in a Mumbai court of robbing an auto rickshaw driver of 400 rupees ($12), hurled his slipper at Judge C.D. Gongale. He missed, and the outraged judge sentenced him to life imprisonment.
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the
Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all
his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has
been looking for Herman for 51 years.
======================================================================
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in
the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."
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:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
You might be a redneck if you think load the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk!! :))
Quote from: PogoSlave on March 25, 2006, 03:31:44 AM
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the
Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all
his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has
been looking for Herman for 51 years.
======================================================================
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in
the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."
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:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
Loved them both, thanks for sharing!!
Baby Boomer's
Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to
accommodate baby boomer's. They include:
-- Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
--The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
-- Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
-- Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
-- Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
-- Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now
-- Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
-- The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
-- Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
-- Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair
-- Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
-- The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
-- Abba--- Denture Queen
-- Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
-- Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
-- Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
-- Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To
A Bad Day
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling"? it said. "What kind of a day are you having"?
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George"? said the housewife. "Who's George"?
"Why, George! Your husband! Is this 223-1374?"?
"No, this is 322-1374."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over"?"
There are 2 muffins in an oven, One muffin says, "man is it hot in here!!" and the other muffin says, "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do? Teacher: no, of course not. Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.
There are three types of people in this world, people who can count...and people who can't."
Why Did The Blonde Put An Empty Milk Carton In The Fridge?.......In Case Anyone Wanted Black Tea!!!
Once upon a time a blonde joined her local library. After hours of indecisive browsing she finally chose a book and rushed home excitedly to read it. Several days later, she returns and, slamming the book angrily onto the counter, exclaimed, 'This book is really boring. It had too many characters and far too many numbers. Give me something more interesting.' At that the librarian turned to his colleague and happily announced, 'Hey Bill stop the search - we've got the phone book back!'"
why did micky mouse get shot???? because donald ducked
A panda walks into a bar eats some food, shoots up the place, and then starts to walk out. The bartender says, "Hey, what did you do that for?" The panda replies, "I'm a panda, look it up." So the bartender gets a dictionary and under panda bear it says, "Panda: Eats shoots and leaves"
For a guy to talk dirty to a chick it's sexual harrassment but for a girl to talk dirty to a guy it costs $3.50 a minute.
A sandwich walked into a bar and said "i'll have a pint of beer please" barman said "sorry we dont serve food"
foxx made me post these :)) :)) :))
He who laughs last, thinks the slowest :))
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Quote from: GeckoDundee on March 25, 2006, 07:36:02 PM
For a guy to talk dirty to a chick it's sexual harrassment but for a girl to talk dirty to a guy it costs $3.50 a minute.
Makes sense to me!! O0
Quote from: ClingFree on March 25, 2006, 07:47:19 PM
Quote from: GeckoDundee on March 25, 2006, 07:36:02 PM
For a guy to talk dirty to a chick it's sexual harrassment but for a girl to talk dirty to a guy it costs $3.50 a minute.
Makes sense to me!! O0
Isn't that how its suppose to be? :))
That CITI commercial when the dudes on the phone trying to get a hold of them and hes on a train and they say whats your password and he says big boy and they say what and he says it loud Big boy...then he get in the tunnel and loses his connection.
The Top 9 Ways Martha
and Donald Can Make Up
9> She fashions him a nice ego cozy out of his own shed hair.
8> Partner up on the next season of "Dancing With the Stars."
7> Dr. Phil intervention.
6> "Battle of the Network Blowhards."
5> Nothing says, "I'm sorry," like a diamond ankle surveillance bracelet.
4> "Apprentice Swap."
3> They take the limo down to the park and set fire to homeless people.
2> Each purchases the other a small New England state.
and the Number 1 Way Martha and Donald Can Make Up...
1> Crack open some Johnnie Walker Blue, throw some Barry White on the turntable and compare stock portfolios.
the burger king one for the 99cent whopper jr. is pretty funny ;D
Our old friend Ed (the Texas Aggie) and his life-long buddy, Earl,
went huntin' one day. They was walkin' through the woods when Earl
decided to relieve himself behind a bush... Well, he no sooner
dropped his overalls when a 6 foot rattlesnake popped outa no place
and bit him square on his privates.
Earl dropped to the ground in pain holding himself! Old square-
shootin' Ed ran over to the bush and blew the snake away.
Quickly assessin' the situation and the location of Earl's injury he
was in doubt as to what the proper course of action was. "Earl, you
been bit on a bad spot and I ain't quite sure as to what to do!" he
said.
"I'm in awful pain, Ed, you gotta do something quick!" cried Earl.
"Run down the hill to that veterinarian and see if he won't come
help me."
Ed, took off runnin' feelin' that everythin' was gonna be okay if'n
he could get that old Aggie vet to come help his buddy. As he came
up ta the clinic the old vet was hoppin' in his pickup truck.
"Doc, Doc, ya gotta help my buddy he's been bit by a rattler!"
"Well, son, I wish I could help ya but I gotta run over ta the
Schultz farm and deliver a calf but let me tell you what ya gotta
do," said the vet.
"First, you grab the bit part in both hands and make two small
shallow X's on the fang marks. Then you put your mouth on the X's
and suck the venom out of the wound." :-X
Ed thought for a moment then asked, "Doc, what happens if I don't do
that?"
The doc yelled out the window as he drove off, " Then he'll die!"
Ed hurried off back to Earl. Earl, still in mortal agony was
relieved to see him. Holding his purple, swollen privates he
pleaded, "Ed, what'd the Doc say?"
Ed looked at him mournfully. "Doc says you gonna die."
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Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of
liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up
and asked him what he was doing?
Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in
the world." The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most
powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy
Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"
Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put
this on a cat's bum, he'll pass a Harley Davidson......."
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
Quote from: Tara on March 25, 2006, 08:11:56 PM
That CITI commercial when the dudes on the phone trying to get a hold of them and hes on a train and they say whats your password and he says big boy and they say what and he says it loud Big boy...then he get in the tunnel and loses his connection.
...for a shinier card, press one. :)) Love that...
i like the Capital One commercial
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti
sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.
She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest
called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
ClingFree That is so funny :)) :))
Marjorie
Subject: The New Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"
LOL poor Keith :)) :)) :))
Marjorie
omg there to funny thanks
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
> The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
> loudly every morning when he awoke.
> The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and
> make her gasp for air.
> Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
> was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
> perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
> one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to
> blast them out!
>
> Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
> and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put
> the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
> malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where
> her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she
> pulled back the elastic waistband
> of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
> Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
> which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
> footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
> herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After
> years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About
> twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
> bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her Lip
> as she asked him what was the matter.
> He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and
> I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you
> always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today
> it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two
> fingers, I think I got most of them back in." :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
:)) :)) :)) :)) OMG...Thats absolutely awesome....This is to funny :)) :)) :)) :))
Bubba Died in a Fire
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a******s."
"What? He had two a******s?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two a******s. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a******s.'"
Ways to Tell a Redneck is on Your Computer
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The password is "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt Jr. sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
Redneck's Medical Dictionary
Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium: What to do when treatment fails
Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U
Ceasarean Section: District in Rome
Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: Punctuation Mark
Congenital: Friendly
D & C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Genital: Non-Jewish
Hang Nail: Coat Hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labor pain: Hurt at work
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrate: Cheeper than day
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: Person fainted
Post op: Letter Carrier
Recovery Room: Place to apholster
Rectum: Dang near Killed Him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Tablet: Small table
Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
Tibia: Country in North Africa
Tumor: More than One
Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
Bad Car Day
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"
I love the Redneck Jokes DJ_SI
Thanks for the laugh :)) :)) :))
Marjorie
:)) :)) :)) Paybacks a bitc# :)) :)) :))
Quote from: PogoSlave on March 27, 2006, 08:02:01 PM
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
> The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
> loudly every morning when he awoke.
> The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and
> make her gasp for air.
> Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
> was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
> perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
> one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to
> blast them out!
>
> Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
> and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put
> the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
> malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where
> her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she
> pulled back the elastic waistband
> of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
> Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
> which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
> footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
> herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After
> years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About
> twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
> bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her Lip
> as she asked him what was the matter.
> He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and
> I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you
> always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today
> it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two
> fingers, I think I got most of them back in." :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
I've done several things at one time or another myself ... :-X
Quote from: DJ_SI on March 27, 2006, 09:17:36 PM
Ways to Tell a Redneck is on Your Computer
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The password is "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt Jr. sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
32 ways to piss everyone off
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
You Know You're a Mom When...
1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.
2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room
together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.
3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.
4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking
bodily fluids on you.
6. Popsicles become a food staple.
7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.
9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because you're too busy to wash it off.
11. Your kids make jokes about burping, pooping, etc. and you think it's funny.
12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!
13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet...you still managed to gain 10 pounds.
15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.
16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars.
<img src="http://www.funnyfunpages.com/yardwork/22030273.gif">
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
> >
> >
> > FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
> > 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
> >
> >
> > FREE PUPPIES:
> > 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
> >
> >
> > FREE PUPPIES...
> > Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
> > Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
> >
> >
> > FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
> > Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
> > Better be a reward.
> >
> > COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
> > Also 1 gay bull for sale.
> >
> > NORDIC TRACK
> > $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
> >
> > GEORGIA PEACHES
> > California grown - 89 cents lb.
> >
> > JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
> > Must sell washer and dryer $300.
> >
> > WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
> > WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
> > Call Stephanie.
> > AND THE BEST ONE:
> >
> >
> > FOR SALE BY OWNER:
> >
> > Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
> > Excellent condition.
> > $1,000 or best offer.
> > No longer needed, got married last month.
> > Wife knows everything.
> :)) ee2.1.gif :)) ee2.1.gif :)) ee2.1.gif :)) ee2.1.gif :)) ee2.1.gif :)) ee2.1.gif :)) :D
>
Saving George W. Bush
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing, and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland." George W. said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George W. said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" George W. was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped." The kid replied, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your azz from drowning!"
:)) Nice one Libra...
Quote from: triniqueen27 on March 28, 2006, 02:47:05 AM
32 ways to piss everyone off
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
LoL, I do that one already because I hate writing checks but I sure get a kick out of 'em when I do!
Ok, this was sent to me by someone on the forum. I'm not going to out her, but GAWD woman, these are funny! You gotta start sharin' them with the masses!
A Christian Democrat:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A Socialist:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. Everyone shares the milk.
A Republican:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You don't care.
A Democrat outside of America:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A Communist:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A Fascist:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
Democracy in America:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
Capitalism, American Style:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
Bureaucracy, American Style:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
An American Corporation:
You have two cows. You outsource one to Asia, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A French Corporation:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A Japanese Corporation:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A German Corporation: You have two cows. You eat them both and freeze the rest. The US feels bad for you and gives you cows.
An Italian Corporation:
You have two cows but you don't care. Your to busy enjoying fine wine's and cheese.
A Russian Corporation:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A Mexican Corporation:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A Swiss Corporation:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You don't care becuase your storing them for others. And making millions doing so.
A Brazilian Corporation:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows at are soon fighting with America over NATO regulations.
An Indian Corporation:
You have two cows. You worship them.
8)
OFFICE MEMO :
Please note that at all future office parties/Company picnics you will only be allowed one drink per person . Please bring your own cup.
The Management
(https://img80.imageshack.us/img80/6113/bigcups0hy.jpg)
8)
:)) :)) Thats cute
If a turtl looes his shell......is he naked or homeless? :)) :)) :)) :))If FED-X and UPS merged.....would it be called FED-UP? :)) :)) :)) :))
omg to funny :))
:)) :))
Quote from: Hunter196241 on March 28, 2006, 03:49:07 PM
If a turtl looes his shell......is he naked or homeless? :)) :)) :)) :))If FED-X and UPS merged.....would it be called FED-UP? :)) :)) :)) :))
I'm thinking naked would be better than homeless. And Fed-UP already exsists... It's called US MAIL!!! :))
Libra
Quote from: SunnyLibra on March 28, 2006, 03:52:30 PM
Quote from: Hunter196241 on March 28, 2006, 03:49:07 PM
If a turtl looes his shell......is he naked or homeless? :)) :)) :)) :))If FED-X and UPS merged.....would it be called FED-UP? :)) :)) :)) :))
I'm thinking naked would be better than homeless. And Fed-UP already exsists... It's called US MAIL!!! :))
Libra
Naked? Now that reminds me of the first time I went to a Hooters restaurant. You know...the one where the women wear the short shorts and the revealing tops. ???
My waitress? comes to the table to take our order and I order the chicken wings. Now mind you I'm already drooling all over the place when she says "Naked or Dressed?" Now I'm drooling and tongue tied and stumbling over my words when my friend leans over and says "Dude, she means the wings!" :-[ :P :))
Quote from: Homer on March 28, 2006, 03:57:53 PM
Naked? Now that reminds me of the first time I went to a Hooters restaurant. You know...the one where the women wear the short shorts and the revealing tops. ???
My waitress? comes to the table to take our order and I order the chicken wings. Now mind you I'm already drooling all over the place when she says "Naked or Dressed?" Now I'm drooling and tongue tied and stumbling over my words when my friend leans over and says "Dude, she means the wings!" :-[ :P :))
Omg...how funny...you are bad !! >:D
Lmao!! :))
Why does the Easter bunny have a shiny nose? His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Is it true that bunnies have good eyesight? Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?
What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!
Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken!
What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion? A bunion
What did the bunny want to do when he grew up? Join the Hare Force.
What do you call a bunny with a large brain? Egghead!
What does a bunny use when it goes swimming? A hare-net.
How do you make a rabbit stew? Make it wait for three hours!
What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit? Cheer up!
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A hot cross bunny.
How do you post a bunny? Hare mail
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me aboutSTAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
(https://img53.imageshack.us/img53/8518/womanolddancing5kz.gif) (https://img53.imageshack.us/img53/8518/womanolddancing5kz.gif)
Three very old and very bored grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a
nursing home. An old man walks by and one of the grandmas
said, "Betcha we can guess how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess how old I am."
One of the grandmas replied, "Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts
and we can tell your exact age."
He did. The grandmas stared at him for a good while and then they all
piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How did you guess that?"
The grandmas laughed until tears were rolling down their cheeks
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily
yelled in unison . ."You told us yesterday."
Good one Shady.....I will have to copy this joke and post it at my grandfathers nursing home. :))
My friends hired a male stripper for my birthday present.
This guy starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me, "What are you thinking, babe?"
I'm thinking I've been married too long, because I said ...
"You're going to pick up after yourself, aren't you?"
:)) :)) :)) :))
Quote from: triniqueen27 on March 29, 2006, 01:11:40 AM
My friends hired a male stripper for my birthday present.
This guy starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me, "What are you thinking, babe?"
I'm thinking I've been married too long, because I said ...
"You're going to pick up after yourself, aren't you?"
FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.
We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.
When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches
off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.
(https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smileys.on-my-web.com/repository/MSN_Emoticons/MSN-Emoticon-applause-004.gif) GOOD ONE! :))
Quote from: Bree on March 29, 2006, 01:28:28 AM
FINALLY SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.
We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.
When one of these women gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her wedding night, the husband scratches
off the spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.
Thanks Shady..... :)
Quote from: Homer on March 28, 2006, 03:57:53 PM
Naked? Now that reminds me of the first time I went to a Hooters restaurant. You know...the one where the women wear the short shorts and the revealing tops. ???
My waitress? comes to the table to take our order and I order the chicken wings. Now mind you I'm already drooling all over the place when she says "Naked or Dressed?" Now I'm drooling and tongue tied and stumbling over my words when my friend leans over and says "Dude, she means the wings!" :-[ :P :))
:)) ...ah, to be a fly on the wall...
tee hee! :))
Quote from: foxx on March 29, 2006, 07:51:10 AM
tee hee! :))
Is fox laughing at herself? :)) :))
ll very good only had to read 4 pages of the forum to get the rest of my catch up but can say there is some good ones bree was very good :))
Quote from: Homer on March 28, 2006, 03:57:53 PM
Naked? Now that reminds me of the first time I went to a Hooters restaurant. You know...the one where the women wear the short shorts and the revealing tops. ???
My waitress? comes to the table to take our order and I order the chicken wings. Now mind you I'm already drooling all over the place when she says "Naked or Dressed?" Now I'm drooling and tongue tied and stumbling over my words when my friend leans over and says "Dude, she means the wings!" :-[ :P :))
That is so funny Homer..... :))
NEVER BRING PLANTS INTO THE HOUSE
Garden Grass Snakes can be dangerous... Yes, grass snakes....
Here's why.....................
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a
recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect
them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in
one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife
saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room
naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He
thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told
him to lie still and called an ambulance . The attendants rushed in,
wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started
carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she
called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed
himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he
decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt
the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back
under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use
CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the
grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out
and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her
neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed
he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived.
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey,and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife. The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of
the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the
leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and
as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried
to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of
the family dog who was startled. The dog jumped out and raced into the street,
where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called
the fire department. The firemen had started raising the firetruck ladder
when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the
overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones
in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house
was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was
right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a
cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they
should bring in their plants for the night.
That's when she shot him.
OMG Bree that was too funny :)) My sides are killing me, and I still can't catch my breath! My cats are looking at me like I'm insane (what's scary is that one of the two is deaf) :))
Thank you DJ, when I got it and read it I could not stop laughing myself. I just had to post it here so others could have a good laugh too.... :))
omg that was to funny ppl at work are atarting to worry bout me of coarse i can tell maybe later on :))
Quote from: Tara on March 29, 2006, 11:00:12 AM
Quote from: foxx on March 29, 2006, 07:51:10 AM
tee hee! :))
Is fox laughing at herself? :)) :))
NO! Somebody merged the topics...I was laughing at another joke...timing was off. >:(
Quote from: Bree on March 29, 2006, 10:12:07 PM
NEVER BRING PLANTS INTO THE HOUSE
Garden Grass Snakes can be dangerous... Yes, grass snakes....
That is waaay too funny
Redneck Divorce Letter
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Cooter,
Me an Sue Ellen have devorced, the judge gave her the dubble wide and the pickup.
So, like the court order said, I delivered the truck before2 oclock, yesterde afternoon!
I took a picher fer proof that I delivered it... Wanted to make sure she found it when she got home!!!
How's your day a going? See ya later,
Your Buddy,
Bubba
"Git er done!"
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote from: triniqueen27 on March 30, 2006, 03:50:28 PM
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
One of my All time faves!
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave
up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way from
work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him
that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans
was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I
would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I
stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three
large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then
blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a
seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and
went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out
of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg
and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a
fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulp mill.
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The
stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned
to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for
another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my
freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had
peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused:
"Happy Birthday!"
I fainted.
(https://img159.imageshack.us/img159/8150/fartdog5yl.jpg) (https://img159.imageshack.us/img159/8150/fartdog5yl.jpg)
:)) :)) :)) that one is the best i havew read very nice i will have to copy that and put it on the board at work they guiys will get a good laugh and so will the customers :)) :))
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the
kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers
question time. One little boy puts up his hand and
George asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade
Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are
you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third,
whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush
informs the kiddies that they will continue after
recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh,
that's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him
out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"Actually, I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA
invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why
are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third,
whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did
the recess bells go off 20 minutes early? And fifth,
what the hell happened to Stanley?"
very cute :))
Lmao poor Stanley
r1.gif i thought this was funny r1.gif
http://www.filecabin.com/up1/1142334356-how-many-licks.gif
very cute
Quote from: triniqueen27 on March 30, 2006, 07:23:08 PM
r1.gif i thought this was funny r1.gif
http://www.filecabin.com/up1/1142334356-how-many-licks.gif
Good one, thanks!!
Quote from: triniqueen27 on March 30, 2006, 07:23:08 PM
r1.gif i thought this was funny r1.gif
http://www.filecabin.com/up1/1142334356-how-many-licks.gif
3 licks....thats cute :))
Quote from: Tara on March 30, 2006, 07:25:48 PM
Quote from: triniqueen27 on March 30, 2006, 07:23:08 PM
r1.gif i thought this was funny r1.gif
http://www.filecabin.com/up1/1142334356-how-many-licks.gif
3 licks....thats cute :))
:-X @ 3 licks .... Very cute link
Quote from: triniqueen27 on March 30, 2006, 07:23:08 PM
r1.gif i thought this was funny r1.gif
http://www.filecabin.com/up1/1142334356-how-many-licks.gif
That was too funny, thanks!
Quote from: ClingFree on March 30, 2006, 07:37:57 PM
:-X @ 3 licks .... Very cute link
You sure you're not a mind-reader? :-X
Quote from: DJ_SI on March 30, 2006, 08:05:10 PM
Quote from: triniqueen27 on March 30, 2006, 07:23:08 PM
r1.gif i thought this was funny r1.gif
http://www.filecabin.com/up1/1142334356-how-many-licks.gif
That was too funny, thanks!
Quote from: ClingFree on March 30, 2006, 07:37:57 PM
:-X @ 3 licks .... Very cute link
You sure you're not a mind-reader? :-X
You know what they say about great minds ;)
holy guacamole...these 2 are hitting every room with all that <3 ey dovey stuff
Quote from: Tara on March 30, 2006, 08:08:41 PM
holy guacamole...these 2 are hitting every room with all that <3 ey dovey stuff
:-*
AND THE MORAL IS.......
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "because I
Run all the body's systems, so without me nothing
Would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I
Circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all
Waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I
Process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I
Carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I
Allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm
Responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and
Insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes
Got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided
That the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The azzhole is usually in charge !!
:)) :)) Love the moral to this story O0 :))
Quote from: Tara on March 31, 2006, 12:32:16 AM
:)) :)) Love the moral to this story O0 :))
Thanks..... :)
Top 12 Ways to
Get Rid of Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.
3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (Few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where on earth she could know you from.
6. Say, "No", repeatedly. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Mantermills." You: "Mantermills!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.
12. Say to the Telemarketer, "Sorry, I can't talk right now but if you'd just give me your home phone number I'll call you when I'm not as busy. When they say in a flustered way that they can't give out their home number say, "Oh, I see...you don't want strangers calling you at your home! Now you know how I feel."
Womans Guide To Stupid Men
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What Did God Say After Creating Man?
I Must Do Better Than That
How Many Men Does It Take To Change The Toilet Roll?
Dont Know.... Its Never Happened Before
Why Cant Men Make Good Pancakes?
Because Theyre Useless Tossers
How Does A Man Help With The Houserwork?
He Lifts His Legs As You Vacuum
Why Do Men Act Stupid?
Whose Says Theyre Acting
Whats The Difference Between Match Of The Day And A Toilet Seat?
A Bloke Will Never Miss Match Of The Day
How Is A Bloke Like The Weather?
Nothing Can Be Done To Change Either
What Can Do The Work Of 10 Men?
1 Woman
Why Do Only 10% Of Blokes Go To Heaven?
Because If There Were Anymore It Would Be Hell
What Do Men And Beer Have In Common?
Theyre Both Empty From The Neck Up
How Do You Make A Man Take Exercise?
Hide His TV Remote
What Do Men And Dog Poo Have In Common?
The Older They Are The Easier They Are To Pick Up
Why Are Blokes Like Bras?
They Hang Around Your Boobs All Day And Give You No Support When You Need It
How Are Stupid Men Like Carpet Tiles?
If You Lay Them Properly The First Time, You Can Walk All Over Them For The Rest Of Your Life
:)) :)) :)) Those are ALL good O0
Tuesday March 28, 2006
Bosses at a Stockholm hospital have asked a nurse called Jesus to change his name after concerns that patients told "Jesus will be coming soon" might get confused and think they were already dead. Jesus will now use his middle name Manuel. :o
Wednesday March 29, 2006
Belgian artist Jan Fabre's latest exhibition in Ghent is made out of steak, mince and bacon. Temples of Meat, featuring a coat made of steaks and a tent of bacon with sleeping bags of steak, will only be on display for three days - until it goes off, reports De Morgen.
tara pls take note of this one :-X Saturday April 1, 2006
Scotsman Robert Wood, a former chef who cooks meals in his sleep, is getting medical help amid fears he could burn down his house. Wood, 55, gets up four or five times a week while asleep and heads to the kitchen, where he has previously made omelets, stir fries and chips.
Friday March 31, 2006
English farmer Tony Baskett saved the life of his cow, Lottie, by treating her with beer. Lottie, dying from a stomach problem, was fed yeasty beer dregs from the local pub on vet's advice. She made a full recovery and has since given birth to a calf, named Adnams after the grog
Thursday March 30, 2006
It's one of Australia's icons, 340 metres tall and hard to miss, even at night. But despite being 100 metres from Uluru, a NSW tourist stopped a car to seek directions to it on Tuesday. It was a police car. The tourist was over the limit, unlicensed - and busted
happy easter every one e5.gif>
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Quote from: PogoSlave on April 01, 2006, 09:54:38 PM
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
:)) :)) :)) good one
:)) :)) :)) good one to funny :)) :)) :))
why does the easter bunny hide its eggs??? does`nt want any one to know there foolin around with the chickens :)) :)) :)) i know it is cornny :)) :)) :))
Very sad... :(
I was not wanting to show this to everyone. Because obviously, it's pretty morbid, and
it even might be fake, it is not for the faint of heart. It is a picture of the demise
of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides
now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders.
The faces of the bystanders are why I believe this is real.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg
:)) :)) :)) bree i looked :)) :)) :))
Quote from: mama on April 01, 2006, 11:02:20 PM
:)) :)) :)) bree i looked :)) :)) :))
Mama I looked too.... :)) :))
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
Quote from: PogoLovinMonkey on April 02, 2006, 09:03:39 AM
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
:))
love that one bree :)) :)) :)) moral to the story :)) :)) :))
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
---------------------------------------------------------------
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
---------------------------------------------------------------
This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said," Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,
I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
----------------------------------------------------------------
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
Those are too funny :)) :))
A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final
plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the
million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not
build its own nest, but instead lays
its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And
she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and
her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have
to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home
happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend
and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded
unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer
except the one that her friend had given her. And
considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the
logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with
such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be
persuaded.
Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.
After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to
inform you that your answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a
millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family
and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the
million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the
contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final
question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It
was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me
to go with your choice."
"You're welcome!" the blonde said. "By the way," the winner said, not
being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know
the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
nests...
They live in clocks."
Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Soft skin
An easy smile
That unforgettable Southern drawl
Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Don't you DARE...Billy!"
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back, soon!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Call when you can."
"Can I get you a glass of tea?"
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
Shopping
Shopping at the beach
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Summer tans
Strapless sun dresses
Air conditioning
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy & Country ham
Grits
Mouth-watering biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Charleston (Chawl'stn)
Savannah (S'vanah)
New Orleans (N'orlins)
Atlanta (Addlanna)
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform or tuxedos
Men who open doors for women
Rhett Butler, of course!
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup
Southern girls know, men may come and go, but their
girlfriends last fahevah!
If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your heart, just fake
The bear, the rabbit and the magic frog
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.
The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."
The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."
Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out hell.
In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void,
And darkness was upon the face of the deep
And the Devil said,
"It doesn't get any better than this."
And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit.
And God populated the earth
With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man,
"You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them."
And Man gained five pounds.
And so God created the healthful yogurt,
That Woman might keep her figure
But the Devil brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said,
"Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus?
"I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them."
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds
And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And so God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil to change
channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And so God brought forth the potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and
Sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And then the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw and said,
"It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body,
While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as
Much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth
Into the land of Godiva chocolate,
And upon returning asked Man,
"Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said,
"Always tell the truth."
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man
And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
East of the marriage counselor.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
Computer GenderA college English professor was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What 'gender' is a computer"?
The professor wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Driving you nuts
The male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we're aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around, just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's p****es have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his p**** will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a p**** so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie!
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
Ugggggghhhhh
Last week I took some friends out to Chili's, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the wait persons had a spoon in theirpocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Arthur Andersen, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I notice that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you know...we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Lol some of you are probably wondering what's up with all the jokes. I don't know if it was because of April Fools or what, but my inbox was packed with humour today. Hope you like 'em! O0
Science Class
The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"
Mary blushed furiously as she stoodup. She said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."
The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer. Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."
"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher.
He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well,Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."
----------------
Pregnancy
A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the forth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Gold Dust Twins are coming,' and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did The Trick,' and I could hardly control myself. BUT---when she moved the forth time and sat under a sign that said 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident.' I laughed out loud."
"CASE DISMISSED," said the Judge.
----------------
George the Mailman
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F*** him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
----------------
Speeding Ticket
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asked, "May I see your driver's license?" The driver answered, "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."
The officer asked, "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?" The driver answered, It's not my car. I stole it."
The officer asked, "The car is stolen?" The driver answered, "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."
The officer asked, "There's a gun in the glove box?" The driver answered, "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."
The officer asked, "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?" The driver answered, "Yes, sir."
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
The Captain asked, "Sir, can I see your license?" The driver answered, "Sure. Here it is." It was valid. The Captain asked, "Who's car is this?" The driver answered, "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card." The driver owned the car. The Captain asked, "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?" The driver answered, "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. The Captain asked, "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it." The driver answered, "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.
The Captain said, "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."
The driver answered, "Yeah, I'll bet the lying S.o.B. told you I was speeding, too!"
----------------
A realllly bad day...
A golfer is looking for his ball in the woods, when he comes up to another man hugging a tree, with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this, he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree."
"You gotta be kiddin' me!"
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, okay." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this, the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him on the other side of the tree, takes his wallet, jewelry and car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.
Two hours later, a nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?" So he tells the guy the whole story about how he got there.
After telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just ain't gonna be your day!!!"
Omgosh DJ I'm :))
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! Yeer a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country cloob....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye sceered me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
:)) :)) :))
Those are so funny DJ_SI and ClingFree
:)) :)) :))
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
OMG I can't stop laughing :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
LMAO :)) :)) :))
alright 1 more
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come closer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "I would like to propose a toast to you! Honey, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. And her husband looked into her eyes and said, "I think you're bad luck."
Thanks WhitePanther :)) :)) :))
Good ones WhitePanther..... :))
Mildred the Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home.... and left it there all night.
lol....I like the way Henry thinks :))
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS..........
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave
at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she
replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching,
while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot
up
my butt???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher."
:)) :)) :))
Very Good Bree and Trini
Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.
"All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy.
This just proves our love for one another."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now.
But just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass."
:)) :)) them are very good one to funny
MISCHIEVIOUS BROTHERS
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boy's mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boys' mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide eyed and his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed, "Where is God?"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD...
(https://img89.imageshack.us/img89/6748/bowlingalley14rj.jpg) (https://img89.imageshack.us/img89/8109/parking45yo.gif)
(https://img89.imageshack.us/img89/5691/cars22jb.jpg) (https://img89.imageshack.us/img89/496/mouse39tl.jpg)
(https://img66.imageshack.us/img66/7244/odometer50ee.jpg) (https://img66.imageshack.us/img66/2223/blackanddecker67sm.jpg) (https://img89.imageshack.us/img89/2526/toiletwchains89pb.jpg)
(https://img153.imageshack.us/img153/8565/pressanykey107mu.jpg) (https://img89.imageshack.us/img89/5512/bathroomwloadsopaper96le.jpg)
:)) :))
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
e4.gif> e4.gif>
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.
The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Quote from: sweetpeach on April 07, 2006, 12:58:13 AM
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Didnt see that one coming .. :))
Spring Break in Michigan ........
(https://img86.imageshack.us/img86/4129/springbreak1pb.jpg)
Quote from: ClingFree on April 07, 2006, 05:59:38 AM
Spring Break in Michigan ........
(https://img86.imageshack.us/img86/4129/springbreak1pb.jpg)
Hahahaha, love it!!!
I like that one Cling....
Did You Know That?
Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."
Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns?
Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.
Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer . Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- ! even though the product was never been advertised for this use. (Note: Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine is not the same..and contains aspirin, which can cause stomach bleeding if you have ulcers.)
Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.
Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.
Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done. Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer...
If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.!
Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.
Hunt's tomato paste boil cure....cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.
Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine ... a powerful antiseptic.
Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.
Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.
Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.
Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.
Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for a soothing relief from arthritis pain.
Thanks Bree, the one for splinters will come in very very handy!!
You are welcome, Helen!!
Like his Mother used to do!
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do!
I need a remedy to get rid of Japanese Beetles!! - They look just like ladybugs, but I think they multiply like rabbits!
<edit> I realize this seems way off topic, but I just read Bree's home remedy post!!
Quote from: Bree on April 06, 2006, 01:39:40 AM
MISCHIEVIOUS BROTHERS
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boy's mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boys' mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide eyed and his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed, "Where is God?"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
that is a good one Bree thanks for posting
Quote from: sweetpeach on April 07, 2006, 12:55:11 AM
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
e4.gif> e4.gif>
:)) :)) :)) good one thanks sweetpeach for posting
Top ten tips to know if you have PMS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."
5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
3. You're counting down the days until menopause.
2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
A very elderly gentleman (mid 90s), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid 80s). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
~~~~
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor, and the doctor fitted him with a set of hearing aids that permitted him to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor a month later.
The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
~~~~
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree, when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? Like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants!"
~~~~
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do yo! u mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
~~~~
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed, with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know now, he said. "She's was upstairs in the bathroom, changing out of her hospital gown."
~~~~
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10 pound test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel are $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.
Quote from: Bree on April 08, 2006, 09:58:07 PM
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
:)) :))
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White
House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he
replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about
a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting
to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of
office for a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and
whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'
Quote from: PogoSlave on April 09, 2006, 05:41:20 AM
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White
House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he
replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about
a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting
to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of
office for a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and
whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'
Hahaha, good one!! :))
7 DEGREES OF BLONDE
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
>FIRST DEGREE
>A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The
>wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How
>should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said,
>"Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know
>if the coast is clear. '
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
>SECOND DEGREE
>Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
>sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
>and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
> The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands
>her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and
says, "You dummy,
>it's me!"
> ´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-
>THIRD DEGREE
>A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
>buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
>door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
>angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
>overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The
>boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up,
>you're next!"
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
>FOURTH DEGREE
>A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
>says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's
>the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy:.......
>W."
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
>FIFTH DEGREE
>What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is
>it mine?"
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-
>SIXTH DEGREE
>Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
>government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade
>was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
>decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:
>SEVENTH DEGREE
>Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
>and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
>The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
>patrolling
nearby was the first to respond.
> As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
>blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
>then sat down on the steps.
> Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
>possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They
>send me a BLIND policeman."
Those are great!!! :)) :))
The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that
will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one
wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and
proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac
every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If
the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher
stays, I will give him sex." There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you
to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead
with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side; while his
wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, Screw
the Preacher."
Hahahaha, love it!!! :)) :))
This is too weird.
How Smart Is Your Right Foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And
you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see
if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot
off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the
air with your right hand. Your foot will change
direction!
I told you so. And there's nothing you can do about
it.
I've done this before and it's true. You have no control. Weird!!
It sure is! ee2.1.gif
that is werid :))
ONLY IN AMERICA:
Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke. !
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Quote from: PogoSlave on April 09, 2006, 06:35:51 AM
ONLY IN AMERICA:
Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke. !
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins L****y"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
:)) :)) :))
A PARROT NAMED CHET
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this," was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
OUCH..... :)) :))
Finklestein and Jesus
>>
>> Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really
>> needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign
>> for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary
>> arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.
>>
>> A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and
>> it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed.
>>
>> Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's
>> no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a
>> sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was
>> made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
>>
>> Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His
>> Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
>>
>> A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem,
>> He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of
>> people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through
>> the crowd to speak to him.
>>
>> As soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what
>> you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?"
>>
>> "Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
>>
>> "Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am
>> the craftsman."
>>
>> The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long
>> and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a
>> mutually acceptable compromise.
>> A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop. Can
>> you guess what it read??
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Are you sure you want to know?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Here it comes...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Don't say you weren't warned......
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Lord & Taylor
>>
Quote from: PogoSlave on April 09, 2006, 06:35:51 AM
ONLY IN AMERICA:
Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke. !
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins L****y"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Theres some good ones in there :)) :))
To fully appreciate this, you may have to be old enough to
remember Abbott and Costello and too old to REALLY understand
computers. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our
computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?"
might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's
just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a
proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't
start with some straight answers. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
OMG, that is hysterical!! :)) :))
Guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
Caution! These people Vote
=======
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...
She ALSO votes!
==========
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
He ALSO votes!
===========
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. . ..
My sister ALSO votes!
==========
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...
He ALSO votes!
==========
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
My friend ALSO votes!
=========
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?". . .
SHE ALSO votes
Kinda scary, huh?? Those were funny. :))
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads . So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me !
That's my story and I'm sticking to it !!!!
Quote from: PogoSlave on April 09, 2006, 07:16:40 AM
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads . So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me !
That's my story and I'm sticking to it !!!!
lmao :)) :))
Quote from: Tara on April 09, 2006, 07:20:28 AM
Quote from: PogoSlave on April 09, 2006, 07:16:40 AM
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads . So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me !
That's my story and I'm sticking to it !!!!
lmao :)) :))
:D :D :))
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Kinda hard not to sing. :D :)) :))
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a
beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus.
Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight
mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her
turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to
the height of the bus' first step.
So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to
the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped
her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough
slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to
discover she still could not make the step.
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached
behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a
second time she attempted the step and once again,
much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So with a coy little smile to the driver she again
unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more
slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her
in the line picked her up easily from the waist and
placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well,
she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero,
screeching at him ''How dare you touch my body!!
I don't even know who you are!!''
At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally
I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly
three times, I kinda figured we was friends.''
Ohhhhh, LMAO!!! That one was great!! :)) :)) :))
:)) :)) omg that was so cute love the last of it :))
Fellow Husbands:
Please be aware that as your wives age, it is harder for them to
maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there is nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is, Frank
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Martha.
When I was laid off from my consulting job and took early retirement in
April, it became necessary for Martha to get a full-time job, both for
Extra income and for the health insurance benefits we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to
Show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she
gets home from work, and although she knows how hungry I am, she
rests an hour or so before she start dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at
the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now,
it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates
this as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to
bed.
I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot.
Telling people what they ought to do is one of my strong points.
Also, now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so
much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement, and
sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't
make a big issue of this, just as long as she finishes up the
laundry the next evening.
I'm willing to overlook her shortcomings in this area. Unless I
need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to the
Wednesday and Saturday poker club, or to Tuesday's and Thursday's
bowling, I'll tell her to wait until the next evening to do the
ironing.
This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends
like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. If I had a really
bad day on the golf course and it was wet and muddy, and my clubs are a
mess, I let her clean them, you know, getting the grit off the grips and a
little light Brillo on the club faces. Since my golf bag is heavy,
I lift it out of the trunk for her.
Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as
good as men. But I had to tell her that I don't like to be wakened
during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in
the trunk when she's finished.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she
will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the
monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse,
so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think
tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods.She had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to
fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of fresh squeezed lemonade and just sit for
a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as
well make one for me too, then take her break by my hammock. That way we
can talk until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a saint
in the way I support Martha, but I'm not saying that showing this
much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get
older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will
consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.
Regards,
Frank
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Frank died suddenly Thursday, August 19th. He was found with a
Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Golf Driver rammed up his
Rectum with only two inches of grip showing.
His wife Martha was arrested, but after the jury read this letter,
They accepted her defense that he accidentally
sat on it. She was released from custody on Friday.
Again, good one. :)) :))
yes very much so very good one :)) :))
The Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen
Cute prayer :))
A mother and father took Little johnny to a nude beach. As the boy walked
along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than
his mother's, and asked her why.
She told Little johnny, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Little johnny, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his
dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy
is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the
dumber he gets."
:)) :)) :))
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man.
Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up".
Quote from: WhitePanther on April 09, 2006, 03:13:59 PM
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man.
Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.
The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up".
:))
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a
month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My
inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how
clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One
thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new
white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and
to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact,
the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me
that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Quote from: WhitePanther on April 09, 2006, 05:04:46 PM
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a
month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My
inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how
clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One
thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new
white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and
to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact,
the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me
that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
LOL...good one
:D :))
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died
while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way
back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a
typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw
the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in
sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of
the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the
workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do. The
workers gathered around, still eating their lunch! I poured out my heart and
soul.
>
> As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord,"
and "Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from
> Genesis all the way to Revelation. I closed the lengthy service with
a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man
and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in
spite of my tardiness.
>
>
> As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of
the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like this before . .
. and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
>
To funny Pogo.... :))
DARWIN Award Winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.
He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Ten Thoughts to Ponder during 2006
Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
I love to see you smile.
Two rednecks walk into a bar. While having a beer, they begin to talk about their trucks, when suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the rednecks looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" the woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The redneck walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the redneck walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!"
that's funny :)) :)) :))
~~~~~Some Christian Humor
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have
enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to
the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!"
said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It
seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you
'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (this one is my favorite)
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school
lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
________
Thank you and so are your jokes... :))
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at a local brothel.
The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home, the first man says, " You know, I think my girl was dead."
"Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"
"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend replied " Well, I think mine was a witch."
"A witch. Why the heck would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and when I gave her a little bite, she farted and flew out the window!"
BRAIN CRAMPS
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."
Mariah Carey
````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other partof my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, Vice President
```````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
```````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
``````````````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
````````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?
The cure
Jerry went to a psychiatrist.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I
get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.
I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year,"
said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week,
and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.
Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked
the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
what a smart bartender! :)) :)) :))
Yes he was..... :))
A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a Minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night." Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!" "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
------------
A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
------------
A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.
One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's behind."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head.
"You're right," he said, "it does..."
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.
Wedding Anniversary
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me
that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife
found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand
new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday
ubject: Fw: well duh!
This has got to be one of the funniest
I've heard of in a long time. I think this guy should
have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story
from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care
department.
Needless to say, the Help Desk employee
was fired, however he is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without
Cause." This is the actual dialogue of a former
WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why
they record these conversations)
starts here:
Employee--"Rich Hall, Computer Assistance;
may I help you?"
Customer--"Yes, well, I'm having trouble
with WordPerfect."
Employee--"What sort of trouble?"
Customer--"Well, I was just typing along,
and all of a sudden, the words went away."
Employee--"Went away?"
Customer--"They disappeared."
Employee--"Hmmm So what does your screen
look like now?"
Customer--"Nothing."
Employee--"Nothing?"
Customer--"It's a blank; it won' t accept
anything when I type."
Employee--"Are you still in WordPerfect,
or did you get out?"
Customer--"How do I tell?"
Employee--"Can you see the 'C:' prompt on
the screen?"
Customer--"What is a sea prompt?"
Employee--"Never mind, can you move your
cursor around the screen?"
Customer--"There isn't any cursor; I told
you, it won't accept anything I type."
Employee--"Does your monitor have a power
indicator?"
Customer--"What's a monitor?"
Employee--"It's the thing with the screen
on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little
light that tells you when it's on?"
Customer--"I don't know"
Employee--"Well, then look on the back of
the monitor and find where the power cord goes into
it. Can you see that?"
Customer--"Yes, I think so."
Employee--"Great. Follow the cord to the
plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Customer--"Yes, it is."
Employee--"When you were behind the
monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Customer--"No."
Employee--"Well, there are. I need you to
look back there again and find the other cable."
Customer--"Okay, here it is."
Employee--"Follow it for me, and tell me
if it's plugged securely into the back of your
computer."
Customer--"I can't reach."
Employee--"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it
is?"
Customer--"No."
Employee--"Even if you maybe put your knee
on something and lean way over?"
Customer--"Oh, it's not because I don't
have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
Employee--"Dark?"
Customer--"Yes - the office light is off,
and the only light I have is coming in from the
window."
Employee--"Well, turn on the office light
then."
Customer--"I can't."
Employee--"No? Why not?"
Customer--"Because there's a power
failure."
Employee--"A power.......a power
failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and the packing
stuff your computer came in?"
Customer--"Well, yes, I keep them in the
closet."
Employee--"Good.. Go get them, and unplug
your system and pack it up just like it was when you
got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from".
Customer--"Really? Is it that bad?"
Employee--"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Customer--"Well, all right then, I
suppose. What do I tell them?"
Employee--"Tell them you're too stupid to
own a computer...
An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!," he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!!!"
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well." said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out
of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be
sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a
tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd
better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the
warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up
to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a
lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20
or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....
You are on a roll tonight PogoSlave...... :))
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several
nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you,
one for me." He just knew what it was.
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an
old
man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you
won't believe what I heard!!! Satan and the Lord are down at the
cemetery
dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's
hard
for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the
cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling
the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they
peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The
old
man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence, tighter and
tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard,
"One
for you, one for me." "That's all." "Now let's go get those nuts by
the
fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
boy
on the bike.
I am trying to get my posts up to 500 Bree :))
What I Want in a Man, Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10 Shaves some weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
Quote from: PogoSlave on April 10, 2006, 01:22:16 AM
I am trying to get my posts up to 500 Bree :))
Well I think you will make it PogoSlave.... :)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal
>and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night and went to sleep. Some
>hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up
>at the sky and tell me what you see."
>
>Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
>
>"And," Holmes asked, "what does that tell you?"
>
>Watson pondered for a moment.
>
>"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
>potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is
>in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter
>past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we
>are but small and insignificant and finally, meteorologically, I suspect
>that that we will have a beautiful day for hiking tomorrow. What does it
>tell you, Holmes?"
>
>Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
>
>"It tells me, Watson, that some bastard has stolen our tent."
Pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen
>you in a while.
> What happened? You look terrible."
>
>"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
>
>"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
>
>"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine
>now"
>
>"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"
>
>"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
>My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
>
>"What about that eye patch?"
>
>"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.
>I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
>
>"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from
>some bird poop."
>
>"It was my first day with the hook."
Funeral For a Farm Wife
>An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
>morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about
>something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with
>his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his
>wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade,
>sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
> Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it
>just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both
>hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the
>spot.
> At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
>odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
>for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
>approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
>disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old
>farmer about it.
> So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked
>him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
>head and disagreed with all the men.
> The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something
>about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
>head in agreement."
> "And what about the men?" the minister asked.
> "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree
Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She ays, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
PogoSlave, they have a program I have on my computer that is called "email stripper". You can download it at this website.......http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm and this is what it is for.....
EmailStripper is a free program for cleaning the ">" and other formatting characters out of your emails. It will restore "forwarded"
or "replied" emails back to their original state so they're easier to read.
lol :))
Quote from: Bree on April 10, 2006, 01:49:21 AM
PogoSlave, they have a program I have on my computer that is called "email stripper". You can download it at this website.......http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm and this is what it is for.....
EmailStripper is a free program for cleaning the ">" and other formatting characters out of your emails. It will restore "forwarded"
or "replied" emails back to their original state so they're easier to read.
ty Bree I downloaded the program. I'm not sure what you are saying it will do but I will play around with it
It takes all the "> " out of the emails you get. You just copy and paste it in the email stripper and then press strip it and all of the ">" will come out of the email. It makes it easier to read.
oh, ok I'll definately give it a try then. Thanks again!
You are welcome... :)
Quote from: WhitePanther on April 09, 2006, 02:56:05 PM
The Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager.
Forever and ever,
Barmen
now that was to cute
THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE -
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences...
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
11.. Out of my mind...Be back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil - the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music!
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson!!
30.. I smile so much because I don't know what the hell is going on!!!!
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro
Martinez, the
> son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
>
> The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
>
> "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of
blank
> faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
>
> "Patrick Henry, 1775."
>
> "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
> people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
earth?"
>
> Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
>
> The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
> Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
> than you do!"
>
> She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
> "Who said that?" she demanded.
>
> Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
>
> At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
> The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
>
> Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister,1991."
>
> Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
>
> Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher,
> Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
>
> Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If
you
say
> anything else, I'll kill you!"
>
> Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice,
> "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
>
> The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
floor,
> someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
>
> Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
>
> Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!
>
> Teacher asked "Who said that?
>
> Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006
Good ones, thanks!! :))
Quote from: WhitePanther on April 10, 2006, 12:35:29 PM
THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE -
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!!
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
30.. I smile so much because I don't know what the hell is going on!!!!
These are my favorite :))
Teacher: "Michael, if you were on a date--- having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
"What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table."
"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine... whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner . ."
The teacher fainted
LoL, Pedro is one heck of a smart kid.
WhitePanther Those are so funny :)) :)) :))
Thanks for sharing. :))
i dont post too much but i can share a joke ;D
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED???
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use - toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells
"THEIRS"?
OH you are so bad, but funny :)) :)) :)) :))
Ummmm....I will take that as a complement, Watts.....I think.... :))
you should :P
sweet :D
Quote from: Bree on April 11, 2006, 07:47:07 PM
Ummmm....I will take that as a complement, Watts.....I think.... :))
Quote from: WhitePanther on April 11, 2006, 06:56:59 PM
i dont post too much but i can share a joke ;D
That was for WhitePanther His joke was removed :-X
But now that I think about it. It's for you as well Bree :)) :)) :))
Sorry Watts, I guess I spoke to soon.... :-\
Sorry Bree I did not catch it when his joke was removed and by the time I did it was to late. ;)
love those bree thank you for them :D
I am glad you liked them Mama... :) and you are welcome.
:oo :-[ sry
You bad boy :)) :)) :))
nice one bree
Thanks Holly... :)
>:( >:( >:( >:( :'( :x >:( >:( >:( >:(
Quote from: PogoSlave on April 09, 2006, 06:40:16 AM
A PARROT NAMED CHET
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this," was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
>:( >:( >:( >:(
:)) :)) :))
Quote from: Bree on April 12, 2006, 02:00:32 AM
This is so funny......I hope you all enjoy it. 8)
http://www.softlab.ece.ntua.gr/~sivann/pub/swf/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf
Omg you should of put this one in a new topic so it doesn't get lost in here...This was great !!! When I first saw the soap box I thought of Cling...I have to steal this to email my friends...I love it :)) :)) :))
Very funny one!
Little Johnny Jokes
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A schoolteacher was trying to teach her six-year old class students how to say the pledge of allegiance to the flag. The schoolteacher said, O.K. children begin by putting your hand over your little heart and repeat with me, I pledge allegiance to the.... HOLD IT! HOLD IT! Johnny, why is your hand over your butt cheek instead of your heart? Johnny replied! I can't. Teacher asks, why not? Well you see, when my aunt comes over to pick me up, pats my bottom and says, BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said
"Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts"
Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me"
The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst on the team!"
Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can't jump!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well.
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"
"Good. What comes after three?"
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"
"A jack"
Quote from: Helen on April 12, 2006, 01:19:26 PM
Little Johnny Jokes
I love Little Johnny ... He gets sucha bad wrap all the time!
couple of jokes i'm going to post best i post em seperate read em through there aussie jokes
A DOG WHO WAS NAMED SEX
Everyone who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy.
I call mine Sex. Now Sex has been embarrassing to
me. When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog
license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license
for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too". Then
I said "But this is a dog". He said he didn't care what
she looked like. Then I said "You don't understand,
I've had Sex since I was 9 years old!" He said
"You must have been quite a kid!"
When I was married and went on my honeymoon, I
took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I
wanted a room for Sex. He said that every room in
the place was for sex. I said "You don't understand,
Sex keeps me awake at night!" Then the clerk said
"Me too!."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing
there,looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.
He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand"
I said, "I have planned to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When My wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody
of the dog. I said "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married." The
Judge said "Me too!" Then I told him that after I had married Sex had
left me. He said "Me too".
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours
looking around town for him . A cop came over and asked me what I
was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock iin the morning. I said I was looking
for Sex... My case comes up on Monday........
:)) :)) :)) :)) :))
:)) :)) :))
THE ROOSTER
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.
The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on
in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt
anything. So he buys a young rooster from the local rooster emporium, and
turns him loose in the barn yard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets
a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old
rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new
bird and says,
"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot
stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll
bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a
race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times
and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he
was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster.
"And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap.
I'll still win easy," said the young rooster. So the two roosters go over to
the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch.
The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on.
After the first
lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old
guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately
the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth
lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house,
gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something
is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running
around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He
immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........ "Damn, that's the third gay
rooster I've bought this month."
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) ee4.gif ee4.gif ee4.gif e4.gif> :)) :))
:)) :)) :)) LMAO :)) :))
:)) :)) little johnny knew :))
Good jokes Gecko. :))
:)) :)) lmao :)) :))
bree always has some funny ones :P
thank you hades :P
welcome :D
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new scents...... :)) :)) :)) :))
Quote from: canuck on April 13, 2006, 03:14:56 PM
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new scents...... :)) :)) :)) :))
Simple yet funny. I'll get you 3 mapleleafs out of 4!
Thank you SaintHippo...
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested
that men should take a look at their beer consumption,
considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed
the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that
drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding,
100 men were fed 12 pints of beer each. It was then observed
that 100% of the men gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense,
became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think
rationally, argued over nothing, and
refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is
planned............................... :)) :)) :))...no offence ladies ;)
lol...thats only true if you cant hold down your beer :-X
Quote from: canuck on April 13, 2006, 03:27:22 PM
Thank you SaintHippo...
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested
that men should take a look at their beer consumption,
considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed
the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that
drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding,
100 men were fed 12 pints of beer each. It was then observed
that 100% of the men gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense,
became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think
rationally, argued over nothing, and
refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is
planned............................... :)) :)) :))...no offence ladies ;)
Prove to me when a woman makes no sense when she talks? pfffffftttttttttttt
its been known to happen ::)
I have three little letters that prove women can make no sense. P M S.
;D ;D ;D
yes she does have some goods one there is some funny one in the early part i had to go for some and put on the board :))
Homer and the blonde
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was now on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall
building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?
"Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump"
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.
New Wine for Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a
new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to
reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.
Quote from: Helen on April 13, 2006, 05:23:00 PM
New Wine for Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a
new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to
reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.
:))
:)) :)) Good one Helen O0
Quote from: Helen on April 13, 2006, 05:17:45 PM
Homer and the blonde
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was now on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall
building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?
"Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump"
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.
Reminds me of an old trick of mine.
I was at the bar with a friend and we were doing shots and beers. I said to my friend I'll bet you $20 I can cover the shotglass with my hat and drink the shot without ever touching the hat. So, he agrees and I wait about 30 seconds staring at the hat and I said 'OK, it's gone" He says "What are you talking about?" and he lifts the hat off the drink then I grab the shotglass and do the shot and collect my $20 :o :P
Quote from: Homer on April 13, 2006, 05:33:41 PM
Quote from: Helen on April 13, 2006, 05:17:45 PM
Homer and the blonde
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was now on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall
building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?
"Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump"
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.
Reminds me of an old trick of mine.
I was at the bar with a friend and we were doing shots and beers. I said to my friend I'll bet you $20 I can cover the shotglass with my hat and drink the shot without ever touching the hat. So, he agrees and I wait about 30 seconds staring at the hat and I said 'OK, it's gone" He says "What are you talking about?" and he lifts the hat off the drink then I grab the shotglass and do the shot and collect my $20 :o :P
You're a riot Homer!! :))
I know. I can hardly contain myself. LOL :P
Not touching that one :))
Quote from: nanners on April 13, 2006, 05:44:11 PM
Not touching that one :))
I can make my belly jiggle like Jello. :P
Quote from: Homer on April 13, 2006, 05:57:02 PM
Quote from: nanners on April 13, 2006, 05:44:11 PM
Not touching that one :))
I can make my belly jiggle like Jello. :P
So what your kinda saying is like someone could sit on your belly and get a free ride? >:D
Quote from: Tara on April 13, 2006, 06:01:11 PM
Quote from: Homer on April 13, 2006, 05:57:02 PM
Quote from: nanners on April 13, 2006, 05:44:11 PM
Not touching that one :))
I can make my belly jiggle like Jello. :P
So what your kinda saying is like someone could sit on your belly and get a free ride? >:D
Probably get seasick. LOL ;)
Giddy me up...ride'm cowboy!! ;D
Quote from: Tara on April 13, 2006, 06:01:11 PM
Quote from: Homer on April 13, 2006, 05:57:02 PM
Quote from: nanners on April 13, 2006, 05:44:11 PM
Not touching that one :))
I can make my belly jiggle like Jello. :P
So what your kinda saying is like someone could sit on your belly and get a free ride? >:D
Now there's a wild visual!!
Quote from: nanners on April 13, 2006, 06:25:29 PM
Giddy me up...ride'm cowboy!! ;D
Somehow, Brokeback Homer doesn't fit. Not like them tightie whities fit, anyway.
Quote from: SunnyLibra on April 13, 2006, 06:32:17 PM
Quote from: nanners on April 13, 2006, 06:25:29 PM
Giddy me up...ride'm cowboy!! ;D
Somehow, Brokeback Homer doesn't fit. Not like them tightie whities fit, anyway.
Lib, you crack me up!! That was too funny. :D
Quote from: SunnyLibra on April 13, 2006, 06:32:17 PM
Quote from: nanners on April 13, 2006, 06:25:29 PM
Giddy me up...ride'm cowboy!! ;D
Somehow, Brokeback Homer doesn't fit. Not like them tightie whities fit, anyway.
And yet Homer has one of the most classic quotes that's repeated at least once a week on The Dan Patrick Show on ESPN Radio: "Three Simple Words: I Am Gay"
Sorry but Homer don't play that way. ;)
Quote from: Homer on April 13, 2006, 08:26:02 PM
Sorry but Homer don't play that way. ;)
Thank goodness or Tara would be really upset!! :P
Quote from: Helen on April 13, 2006, 05:36:58 PM
Quote from: Homer on April 13, 2006, 05:33:41 PM
Quote from: Helen on April 13, 2006, 05:17:45 PM
Homer and the blonde
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was now on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall
building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?
"Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump"
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.
Reminds me of an old trick of mine.
I was at the bar with a friend and we were doing shots and beers. I said to my friend I'll bet you $20 I can cover the shotglass with my hat and drink the shot without ever touching the hat. So, he agrees and I wait about 30 seconds staring at the hat and I said 'OK, it's gone" He says "What are you talking about?" and he lifts the hat off the drink then I grab the shotglass and do the shot and collect my $20 :o :P
You're a riot Homer!! :))
I was at the bar with a friend and we were doing shots and beers. I said to my friend I'll bet you $20 I can cover the shotglass with my hat and drink the shot without ever touching the hat. So, he agrees and I wait about 30 seconds staring at the hat and I said 'OK, it's gone" He says "What are you talking about?" and he lifts the hat off the drink then I grab the shotglass and do the shot and collect my $20
Reminds me of the time i lost 20 from a guy who said he could bite his ear so he took out his teeth and did
lol :))
:)) :)) :))
FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen all day long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.
MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge b**bs who owns a
liquor store and a racing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a chit.
lmmfao...
ok....lol!!
It's really amazing what people will bet on when they've been drinking!! :))
Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show!
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file!
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road!
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket-knife
Paste you did with glue!
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
LETTER TO PARENTS FROM A COLLEGE STUDENT
Dear Parent(s), Date: ______________
I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.
Please send:
__ Money (Cash)! Amount: _________________________
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ___________
__ Clean clothes!
Relationships:
__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend
My Roommate:
__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__ Has fleas
My Professors are:
__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves
Latest News:
__ I wrecked the car
__ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
__ You are going to have a grandchild
__ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild
Food:
__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals
Health:
__ I have gained _____ pounds
__ My roommate is in the hospital with meningitis
__ My HIV test was: _____ positive _____ negative (check only one)
__ I died yesterday!
Grades:
__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester
I study:
__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above
Daily Devotions:
__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can't read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars
On my last visit home, I left:
__ My glasses
__ My paper that was due yesterday
__ The clothes you washed for me
__ My (girlfriend's) birth control pills
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__ Other _____________________________________________
Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)
Laundry:
__ My white underwear is now _________________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains
My room:
__ Can pass your "white glove" test
__ Is only _____% full
__ Could not be located last Saturday night
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training
Parties:
__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven't been to one since this morning
Hope you:
__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence
Salutation:
__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,
__________________________________________________
Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark ("X").
lol :)
I love it :)) :))
:))
I'm slow... took me a while to understand this was a poem!
lol @ 3½ floppy!
This is a cute one O0
yes
2 cute, thx 4 sharing ee2.1.gif
lol i think i sent one like that when i was at college :))
That's hilarious...gonna show that to my mom...she'll love it!
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior
that was going on. So god called one of the angels and sent the angel
to
Earth.
When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a
second
angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time too. When
the
angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true The earth is in
decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5%, who were being
good,
because he wanted to encourage them...give them a little something to
help
them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either. :)) :)) :))
I must be in the 95% group, I did not get an email either..... :))
:)) :)) :))
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
Hmmmmmmmmmm....... ::)
There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird sh*ts on his head, and he yells "Oh sh*t"
Quote from: PogoLovinMonkey on April 15, 2006, 06:24:18 AM
There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird sh*ts on his head, and he yells "Oh sh*t"
That was funny :)) :)) :))
Yikes!! :o
I got the email but it said not to describe the contents... sorry guys!
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Quote from: PogoLovinMonkey on April 15, 2006, 06:36:44 AM
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
OMG :)) :))
Quote from: PogoLovinMonkey on April 15, 2006, 06:36:44 AM
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Even though Im a real blonde I laughed at it. That was a good one LOL
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Quote from: PogoLovinMonkey on April 15, 2006, 06:45:01 AM
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
:))
You poor blonde people...I feel so sorry for you....NOT !!! :)) :))
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
I <3 it !! :))
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 06:48:48 AM
You poor blonde people...I feel so sorry for you....NOT !!! :)) :))
Like I always tell my husband...the only dumb blonde Ive ever met are the bleached ones and usually their original hair color was burnett or black...LOL So I always use the term "Ive had a burnett moment" (no offense to any fake hair colored people. ) LOL
Quote from: sweetpeach on April 15, 2006, 07:08:22 AM
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 06:48:48 AM
You poor blonde people...I feel so sorry for you....NOT !!! :)) :))
Like I always tell my husband...the only dumb blonde Ive ever met are the bleached ones and usually their original hair color was burnett or black...LOL So I always use the term "Ive had a burnett moment" (no offense to any fake hair colored people. ) LOL
What are you talking about fake hair colored people?? If I paid good money for it it's certainly not fake!!!! :)) :)) :))
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
Quote from: Helen on April 15, 2006, 07:11:12 AM
Quote from: sweetpeach on April 15, 2006, 07:08:22 AM
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 06:48:48 AM
You poor blonde people...I feel so sorry for you....NOT !!! :)) :))
Like I always tell my husband...the only dumb blonde Ive ever met are the bleached ones and usually their original hair color was burnett or black...LOL So I always use the term "Ive had a burnett moment" (no offense to any fake hair colored people. ) LOL
What are you talking about fake hair colored people?? If I paid good money for it it's certainly not fake!!!! :)) :)) :))
lmao...My daughter is blonde and when I get frustrated at her ( for stuff like looking for the package of chicken that I am fixing to cook in the pantry ) I always say " I will be so glad when your hair turns brown"
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 07:29:42 AM
Quote from: Helen on April 15, 2006, 07:11:12 AM
Quote from: sweetpeach on April 15, 2006, 07:08:22 AM
Quote from: Tara on April 15, 2006, 06:48:48 AM
You poor blonde people...I feel so sorry for you....NOT !!! :)) :))
Like I always tell my husband...the only dumb blonde Ive ever met are the bleached ones and usually their original hair color was burnett or black...LOL So I always use the term "Ive had a burnett moment" (no offense to any fake hair colored people. ) LOL
What are you talking about fake hair colored people?? If I paid good money for it it's certainly not fake!!!! :)) :)) :))
lmao...My daughter is blonde and when I get frustrated at her ( for stuff like looking for the package of chicken that I am fixing to cook in the pantry ) I always say " I will be so glad when your hair turns brown"
Ummmm, you said that "S" word again. You know, I never really noticed how much you used it till you pointed it out!!! Now pay up!!
i would say that conglomeration of words pretty well says most of it.............. >:D
Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__ (shame on you)
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
__________________________________________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________
17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.
__________________________________________
18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__
Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1 week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.
The Cynic's Guide to Life
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
Follow your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If a motorists cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothings gets the message across like a good mooning.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bon bon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the 'thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge' group.
Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car.
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives say over.
Love is like a roller coaster. If you like it, you don't want to get off, and when you don't... you can't wait to throw up.
SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dearest Samantha,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely, Max
MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dear Max,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.
However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.
I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps, Samantha!
What Men Mean....
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means...
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling
"Good idea."
Really means...
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means...
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means...
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means...
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means...
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means...
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means...
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her."
Really means...
"She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
:)) :)) thanks needed a laugh :D
good ones thanks :)) :))
Signs that you are too drunk would be...
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
- Job interfering with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
- Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
- You can focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
- Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
- At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
- The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
:)) :)) krispy you are on a roll thanks
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card!
(https://img91.imageshack.us/img91/4032/catgarfielddrinkingcoffee42ew.gif)
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So it's
not that I'm getting fatter. I've just accumulated a lot of knowledge, and my head couldn't hold
any more so it started filling up the rest of me!
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
lol :))
I am glad you like my jokes hades..... :)
Bree, as usual you had me in stitches. Thanks for the jokes, loved 'em. :))
This is a good one lol, poor bugga ::)
Apparently the most popular screensaver in the US.
If he gets stuck move him with the cursor.
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
Quote from: ~Ãutolovér~ on April 20, 2006, 05:43:12 AM
This is a good one lol, poor bugga ::)
Apparently the most popular screensaver in the US.
If he gets stuck move him with the cursor.
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
OMG, that is hysterical. I sure hope Foxx sees this one!! I'm sitting here lmao. Thanks!!! :)) :)) :))
:)) great jokes very funny
hey i'll give mine free of charge :))
:)) :)) that is funny
lol talk about a sale :))
ya really, but i would give mine away j/k but sometimes i would do it
Quote from: hades on April 20, 2006, 07:14:10 AM
lol talk about a sale :))
No kidding....build a family really quick that way. :))
Quote from: Helen on April 20, 2006, 06:04:05 AM
Quote from: ~Ãutolovér~ on April 20, 2006, 05:43:12 AM
This is a good one lol, poor bugga ::)
Apparently the most popular screensaver in the US.
If he gets stuck move him with the cursor.
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
OMG, that is hysterical. I sure hope Foxx sees this one!! I'm sitting here lmao. Thanks!!! :)) :)) :))
Yw lol..... It's fun playing with him too moving him around ::) :))
Quote from: ~Ãutolovér~ on April 20, 2006, 05:43:12 AM
This is a good one lol, poor bugga ::)
Apparently the most popular screensaver in the US.
If he gets stuck move him with the cursor.
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
OMG...I love it. Thank you for posting that!
Quote from: foxx on April 20, 2006, 09:42:25 AM
Quote from: ~Ãutolovér~ on April 20, 2006, 05:43:12 AM
This is a good one lol, poor bugga ::)
Apparently the most popular screensaver in the US.
If he gets stuck move him with the cursor.
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
OMG...I love it. Thank you for posting that!
Foxx, I was hoping you'd find this one. :)) :))
Okay...now here's my Hickler moment for the day...how in the hell do I make this my screensaver?
Quote from: foxx on April 20, 2006, 09:46:27 AM
Okay...now here's my Hickler moment for the day...how in the hell do I make this my screensaver?
Good Question.....I haven't tried yet, but with all the great minds in this forum I'm sure someone will come up with a solution O0
Quote from: Bree on April 20, 2006, 02:03:50 AM
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So it's
not that I'm getting fatter. I've just accumulated a lot of knowledge, and my head couldn't hold
any more so it started filling up the rest of me!
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
is that referred to as a "fathead"? 8)
Quote from: foxx on April 20, 2006, 09:46:27 AM
Okay...now here's my Hickler moment for the day...how in the hell do I make this my screensaver?
Okay umm .... I dont know if you realized it, but you can click and fling him ... like way fling him!
Quote from: ClingFree on April 20, 2006, 10:00:13 AM
Quote from: foxx on April 20, 2006, 09:46:27 AM
Okay...now here's my Hickler moment for the day...how in the hell do I make this my screensaver?
Okay umm .... I dont know if you realized it, but you can click and fling him ... like way fling him!
Good find Cling, I didn't know you could do that. This is so funny!! :))
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you fogive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda.
PS Congratulations on winning this week's lotto.
:))
Quote from: krispy on April 20, 2006, 10:08:50 AM
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you fogive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda.
PS Congratulations on winning this week's lotto.
:))
:)) :)) :)) That's funny...
Had to post quickly before someone else replies!
Quote from: foxx on April 20, 2006, 09:46:27 AM
Okay...now here's my Hickler moment for the day...how in the hell do I make this my screensaver?
Foxx, wouldn't it be even better if you could interchange him with Kellie? You'd be tossing her all over the place!!! :))
Quote from: Helen on April 20, 2006, 10:13:07 AM
Quote from: foxx on April 20, 2006, 09:46:27 AM
Okay...now here's my Hickler moment for the day...how in the hell do I make this my screensaver?
Foxx, wouldn't it be even better if you could interchange him with Kellie? You'd be tossing her all over the place!!! :))
nah. I hate him way more.
Quote from: foxx on April 20, 2006, 10:16:20 AM
Quote from: Helen on April 20, 2006, 10:13:07 AM
Quote from: foxx on April 20, 2006, 09:46:27 AM
Okay...now here's my Hickler moment for the day...how in the hell do I make this my screensaver?
Foxx, wouldn't it be even better if you could interchange him with Kellie? You'd be tossing her all over the place!!! :))
nah. I hate him way more.
Well, at least on Idol nights!! You know you'd like it!! :))
Both mine and my hubbys parents keep having to take in there grandchildren because of "not so good parents"..
I think Im gonna send him this sign.......LOL
Football clipper
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
omg that was to funny i was taking him throught the littlest holes and squeeing him throught and talk bout limber wow :)) :))
lmao :))
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how beautiful, sweet and innocent his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked "They're mating," her father replied "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "Why, that's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear, the both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment.........then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay chit in our garden."
Good one Tara. :)) Out of the mouths of babes!!!!
::) ::) ::)
if anyone wants my kids, they can have them
Too funny - I have one and sheesh that's enough. He's all boy! Little *&%^*&%^ mutant! LOL
I wonder if that would work for mine?
Buy one 23 yr old ... sleeps late, plays hours on the computer, bums cigerettes
Get 19 and 18 yr old ... argues all the time, slams doors, forgets to put lid down
Any takers? :))
Quote from: shadylady_129 on April 21, 2006, 02:03:39 AM
I wonder if that would work for mine?
Buy one 23 yr old ... sleeps late, plays hours on the computer, bums cigarettes
Get 19 and 18 yr old ... argues all the time, slams doors, forgets to put lid down
Any takers? :))
Shady I could not stop laughing at your reply, and I would take your boys, but I am only 22 yr old and one of your sons would be older then me........ :))
MARRIAGE:
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... So Shut Up!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Send junk
Quote from: nanners on April 22, 2006, 03:15:24 PM
MARRIAGE:
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... So Shut Up!!
Seems like these are the only real important ones from your joke! O0
I just post'em. Don't mean I have to agree with any of them :))
Quote from: nanners on April 22, 2006, 03:20:14 PM
I just post'em. Don't mean I have to agree with any of them :))
There all important. I love them. I am going to make a poster out of them and hang it in my Living Room ..so there :P
Thank you Nanners..there great :))
Quote from: nanners on April 22, 2006, 03:20:14 PM
I just post'em. Don't mean I have to agree with any of them :))
Nan, thanks for posting those. I found them funny. Glad to see you're doing better and getting to spend a little more time on the computer. :D
I read the redneck jokes, thought they were funny....well here's one for ya
(https://img123.imageshack.us/img123/9076/untitled9dg.png)
Quote from: bubblegum on April 22, 2006, 03:39:39 PM
I read the redneck jokes, thought they were funny....well here's one for ya
(https://img123.imageshack.us/img123/9076/untitled9dg.png)
OMG...Thats cute.. :)) :))
Quote from: bubblegum on April 22, 2006, 03:39:39 PM
I read the redneck jokes, thought they were funny....well here's one for ya
(https://img123.imageshack.us/img123/9076/untitled9dg.png)
That is really inventive!!! Funny too.... :)) :))
The Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door,then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!" "John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
Pantyhose Quiz
(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/6469/pic14qf.gif)
Q:How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
Now, think about it......
Ready?
ARE YOU SURE???
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Answer:
10 little piggies
(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/9383/pic21oy.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/9383/pic21oy.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/9383/pic21oy.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/9383/pic21oy.gif) (https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/9383/pic21oy.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/9383/pic21oy.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/9383/pic21oy.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/9383/pic21oy.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/9383/pic21oy.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/9383/pic21oy.gif)
2 calves,
(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/7105/pic32bu.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/7105/pic32bu.gif)
1 azz,
(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/4641/pic44qq.gif)
and an unknown number of hares.
(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/6989/pic54ua.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/6989/pic54ua.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/6989/pic54ua.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/6989/pic54ua.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/6989/pic54ua.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/6989/pic54ua.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/6989/pic54ua.gif)(https://img101.imageshack.us/img101/6989/pic54ua.gif)
Now I bet you didn't know that??
Bree, those are both very funny!! Thanks for the laughs. :)) :))
YW Helen..... :)
That pantyhose one was cute, Bree...
Thanks Foxx.....
nice one bree :P
Thank You Hades....
Those were funny Bree :;"
Free "BBQ Grill"
Don't miss this deal - I picked up one for, my Home!
You can get a free "BBQ Grill" from any of the following stores:
Albertsons
Winn-Dixie
Food World
K-Mart
Kroger's
Giant Eagle
Local IGA Store
LOWES
WAL-MART
SAM'S CLUB
WALGREENS
Just see the picture for details!? .... Good luck!!!
(https://img159.imageshack.us/img159/127/bbqforfree2rk.jpg)
Daddy'a Gonna Eat Your Fingers!!!
This one is for everyone who
a) Has kids
b) Had kids
c) Was a kid
d) Knows a kid
e) Is going to have kids
I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this" and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Oh my, that is too funny Bree. I was wondering what the catch was going to be. Between all those store participating, you can get a wide variety of sizes for your grill, lol. :)) :))
What Makes 100 Percent???
This equation should be taught in all math classes . From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% ! in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% ! !
and,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-D-O-D-O
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass-kissing will take you.
A-Z-Z-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
it's the Bulldodo and Azz Kissing that will put you over the top.
<edited by Bree to make this joke PG-13>
Thanks Helen.....don't you just see yourself BBQing with that cart...... :))
Quote from: Bree on April 24, 2006, 01:25:41 AM
Thanks Helen.....don't you just see yourself BBQing with that cart...... :))
Actually Bree.....no. But, if somewhere in the future it became the hottest thing on the market, I'd be in line buying one, lol. :))
Apples and Grapes
Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want
to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead,
they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples
at the top think somethings wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the
way to the top of the tree.
Now Men:
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to
stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to
have dinner with. Share this with all the good apples you know.
Quote from: Helen on April 24, 2006, 01:30:13 AM
Quote from: Bree on April 24, 2006, 01:25:41 AM
Thanks Helen.....don't you just see yourself BBQing with that cart...... :))
Actually Bree.....no. But, if somewhere in the future it became the hottest thing on the market, I'd be in line buying one, lol. :))
I would be in line buying one too Helen.....don't you just love it.... :))
Rednecks, Cadillacs,...and Golf Tees
A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.
"What can I do fer y'all?" the attendant asked.
"Fill it with supreme, " the man said.
(https://img100.imageshack.us/img100/3579/oldfashionedgaspumpliftinghose1.gif)
While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down and sideways. "What kinda car is dis here?" he asked. "I never seen one like it before."
"It's a brand new Cadillac, " the driver said proudly. "It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments, a DVD player in the dash, etc...."
"Wow, " said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."
"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.
"That'll be $30.25, " he replied. The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.
(https://img100.imageshack.us/img100/8540/golfteespileshiftinglgnwm17811.gif)
"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive, " said the man.
"Goodness, " said the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything."
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his
little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such
innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God
had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two
spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she
asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl
asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear, both of them are
Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay "s double hockey sticks t" in our garden." she said.
MORNING!! guys..cute jokes Bree,,
Quote from: Bree on April 24, 2006, 01:59:52 AM
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his
little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such
innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God
had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two
spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she
asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl
asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear, both of them are
Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay "s double hockey sticks t" in our garden." she said.
LOL i like that one Bree :))
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" asked the priest.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Bob. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase ... in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison ...."Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed.... "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
Quote from: SaintHippo on April 24, 2006, 06:38:48 AM
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" asked the priest.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Bob. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase ... in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison ...."Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed.... "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
:)) :)) Thats a good one
A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,but knew very little about ranching. So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job.
One was homosexual and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the homosexual man, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow ! said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great! You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night.
One o'clock came, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly."Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, ! "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
I didn't see that one coming! :)) :)) :)) :))
Quote from: SaintHippo on April 24, 2006, 06:38:48 AM
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" asked the priest.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Bob. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase ... in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison ...."Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed.... "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
Good one Hippo!! Thanks :))
lol nice one :))
(https://img286.imageshack.us/img286/9439/furtraders9fu.jpg) (https://imageshack.us)
Quote from: WhitePanther on April 24, 2006, 08:21:33 AM
A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch,but knew very little about ranching. So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job.
One was homosexual and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the homosexual man, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow ! said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great! You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday night.
One o'clock came, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly."Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, ! "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Good one Panther. :D :D
Me and my other half were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
" Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer .
:)) :)) :))
Quote from: nanners on April 24, 2006, 04:34:42 PM
Me and my other half were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
" Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer .
:)) :)) :))
Hahaha, careful what you ask for. :)) :)) Good one Nan.
great one.lol ;D
Husband 1.0
From: Darlene Knowles
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
-------------------------
Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically
install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
Remember, though, that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly 10.8. Whatever you do: DO NOT install Mother-in- Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
As I have matured . . .
I have learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them, hope they panic and give in.
I have learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets
I have learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackazzes.
I have learned that you should not compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
I have learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I have learned that age is a high price to pay for maturity.
I have learned that I do not suffer from insanity – I enjoy it.
I have learned that we are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.
I have learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I have learned that 99% of the time when something is not working in your home, one of your kids did it.
I have learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the azz are permanent.
If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring back a memory or two. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh
Thanks Krispy, good jokes. I especially liked the Hollywood Squares one. :)) :))
nice jokes :)
Where's Herman?
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man,
was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
lmao. ouch :x
THE TEST
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally went around braless.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and was headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family"
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
OMG Krispy, that is just too funny!! :)) :))
:)) :D that is sooo funny :))
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband
in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him
for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her
savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely
speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
That was too funny Helen :)) :)) :))
Quote from: wattsmyname on April 28, 2006, 06:08:49 AM
That was too funny Helen :)) :)) :))
Thanks....glad you enjoyed it!! :))
lol nice :))
:)) nice one
Quote from: Helen on April 22, 2006, 03:45:17 PM
Quote from: bubblegum on April 22, 2006, 03:39:39 PM
I read the redneck jokes, thought they were funny....well here's one for ya
(https://img123.imageshack.us/img123/9076/untitled9dg.png)
That is really inventive!!! Funny too.... :)) :))
my house ! lol
Just think,,whe you get hungry you can go out and gnaw on a porch railing :))
nice house...just dont eat the walls in the winter :P
its tasty! and if the house starts on fire all we need is chocholate for smores! yumm
Quote from: nanners on April 28, 2006, 03:21:47 PM
Just think,,whe you get hungry you can go out and gnaw on a porch railing :))
Nanners your avatar is scaring me...lol
(https://img81.imageshack.us/img81/4323/1208661160ca.gif)
Quote from: Tara on April 28, 2006, 03:28:55 PM
Quote from: nanners on April 28, 2006, 03:21:47 PM
Just think,,whe you get hungry you can go out and gnaw on a porch railing :))
Nanners your avatar is scaring me...lol
(https://img81.imageshack.us/img81/4323/1208661160ca.gif)
what is that thing lol Tosses tara a peanut
Quote from: jrlt on April 28, 2006, 03:36:51 PM
Quote from: Tara on April 28, 2006, 03:28:55 PM
Quote from: nanners on April 28, 2006, 03:21:47 PM
Just think,,whe you get hungry you can go out and gnaw on a porch railing :))
Nanners your avatar is scaring me...lol
(https://img81.imageshack.us/img81/4323/1208661160ca.gif)
what is that thing lol Tosses tara a peanut
You can't toss me peanuts...I have a peanut tosser :P
Quote from: butch1286 on April 28, 2006, 03:26:36 PM
its tasty! and if the house starts on fire all we need is chocholate for smores! yumm
I vote for the smores!!! :D
Quote from: Tara on April 28, 2006, 03:47:23 PM
Quote from: jrlt on April 28, 2006, 03:36:51 PM
Quote from: Tara on April 28, 2006, 03:28:55 PM
Quote from: nanners on April 28, 2006, 03:21:47 PM
Just think,,whe you get hungry you can go out and gnaw on a porch railing :))
Nanners your avatar is scaring me...lol
(https://img81.imageshack.us/img81/4323/1208661160ca.gif)
what is that thing lol Tosses tara a peanut
You can't toss me peanuts...I have a peanut tosser :P
Yeah....beat it! lol j/k
Taking a Centipede to Church
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him, so he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend.
He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord?"
A little voice came out of the box... "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
Hahaha, that was a good one!! :))
lol :)) :))
A picture is worth a thousand words........
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/gaswallet.jpg)
Quote from: krispy on April 28, 2006, 05:15:13 PM
A picture is worth a thousand words........
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/gaswallet.jpg)
Yeah....and most of them are unprintable!!! That pic is so true. >:D
Quote from: Homer on April 28, 2006, 03:56:51 PM
what is that thing lol Tosses tara a peanut
You can't toss me peanuts...I have a peanut tosser :P
[/quote]
Yeah....beat it! lol j/k
[/quote]
(https://img70.imageshack.us/img70/4658/lipsk110xk.gif)
:)
:)
:)
Quote from: krispy on April 28, 2006, 07:10:26 PM
PLEASE DO YOUR BIT
Today is National Mental Health Day.
You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person.
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/unstableperson.jpg)
(sent email to ex husband)
Well, my job's done!
If you give me your email..I will email you then :)) :))
:)) :)) :))
if onlyyyyyyyyyyyyy you knew............
Quote from: krispy on April 28, 2006, 07:12:11 PM
:)) :)) :))
if onlyyyyyyyyyyyyy you knew............
Uhhhh I'm not unstable... :'(
Quote from: Tara on April 28, 2006, 07:13:30 PM
Quote from: krispy on April 28, 2006, 07:12:11 PM
:)) :)) :))
if onlyyyyyyyyyyyyy you knew............
Uhhhh I'm not unstable... :'(
the leg on my table is a tad short, so i guess that means i am unstable.
Quote from: krispy on April 28, 2006, 06:13:31 PM
WOW!
The question is, What does a 320 pound woman look like?
Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental image of what you think a woman who weighs 320 looks like....
Got it?
Ready?
| (https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/bigwoman01.jpg) | (https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/bigwoman02.jpg) |
Not what you were expecting, was it??!!
The tallest and biggest woman in the world lives in Holland.
She is 7'4" and weighs 320
What a relief! Now we ALL know we aren't overweight,
just too short!
Just too short, huh?? :)) :)) :))
in my virtual mind i am never too short, lol
Quote from: krispy on April 28, 2006, 06:47:13 PM
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a ****iece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day!
Again, another good one. O0
Martha vs. Maxine
Martha's way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine's way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
Martha's way:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine's way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine's way:
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's way:
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Maxine's way:
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"
Martha's way:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine's way:
Celery? Never heard of it!
Martha's way:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine's way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
Martha's way:
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's way:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
Martha's way:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine's way:
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
Martha's way:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine's way:
Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!
lol i was just gonna post that.
Quote from: krispy on April 28, 2006, 10:44:00 PM
lol i was just gonna post that.
Oops, sorry!! :)) :))
Quote from: krispy on April 28, 2006, 06:13:31 PM
| (https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/bigwoman01.jpg) | (https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/bigwoman02.jpg) |
WoW Amazing :o
Quote from: Jackpotloser on April 28, 2006, 10:56:01 PM
Quote from: krispy on April 28, 2006, 06:13:31 PM
| (https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/bigwoman01.jpg) | (https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/bigwoman02.jpg) |
WoW Amazing :o
Yes it is.....I don't think I've EVER seen a woman that tall. :o
Quote from: Helen on April 28, 2006, 10:57:03 PM
Quote from: Jackpotloser on April 28, 2006, 10:56:01 PM
Quote from: krispy on April 28, 2006, 06:13:31 PM
| (https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/bigwoman01.jpg) | (https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/bigwoman02.jpg) |
WoW Amazing :o
Yes it is.....I don't think I've EVER seen a woman that tall. :o
i dont think they were specifically referring to tall, lmao :))
Ok this is really cool , ;D Hope nobody gets offended. ::) :P :oo
http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html
Quote from: ~Ãutolovér~ on April 29, 2006, 01:23:16 AM
Ok this is really cool , ;D Hope nobody gets offended. ::) :P :oo
http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html
lmao :)) :))
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/yaya-1.jpg)
uhhhhhhhhhhh ohhhhhhhhhhh
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/bombtechnician.jpg)
lol :))
Quote from: krispy on April 29, 2006, 01:18:21 AM
Quote from: Helen on April 28, 2006, 10:57:03 PM
Quote from: Jackpotloser on April 28, 2006, 10:56:01 PM
Quote from: krispy on April 28, 2006, 06:13:31 PM
| (https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/bigwoman01.jpg) | (https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/bigwoman02.jpg) |
WoW Amazing :o
Yes it is.....I don't think I've EVER seen a woman that tall. :o
i dont think they were specifically referring to tall, lmao :))
I know!!!! lol :)) :))
Quote from: ~Ãutolovér~ on April 29, 2006, 01:23:16 AM
Ok this is really cool , ;D Hope nobody gets offended. ::) :P :oo
http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html
Offended?? hahahaha.....too funny. :)) :))
Quote from: krispy on April 29, 2006, 01:37:54 AM
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/yaya-1.jpg)
Actually, that is kinda sad....lol. :o :))
Quote from: ~Ãutolovér~ on April 29, 2006, 01:23:16 AM
Ok this is really cool , ;D Hope nobody gets offended. ::) :P :oo
http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html
Too funny ;D Good one
OMG...That was friggen hillarious... I think I almost started crying...lmao
A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near
the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD"
printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters
could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.
The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus
Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash
decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the
same situation.
The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn
sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."
The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers,
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,
then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In
the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon
acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The
bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here
again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in
this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm
very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
Worth a try :)) :))
really could be worth a shot.. >:D
Yes it would!!! :)) :))
that is funny :))
Quote from: Helen on April 29, 2006, 08:32:46 PM
A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near
the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD"
printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters
could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.
The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus
Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash
decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the
same situation.
The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn
sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/omglmao01.gif)
early or late for christmas, i know, but still funny......
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/smileys/36_15_5-th.jpg)
On the Twelve Days of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me . . .
December 14, 2003
Dearest Dave,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!
With truly the deepest love,
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 15, 2003
Dearest Dave,
Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.
With all of my love,
Your Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 16, 2003
Dearest Dave,
You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.
Love,
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 17, 2003
Dear Dave,
Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 18, 2003
Dearest darling Dave,
It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!
All my love,
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 19, 2003
Dear Dave,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.
Cordially,
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 20, 2003
Dave,
What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 21, 2003
O.K. wise guy,
The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 22, 2003
Hey loser,
What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!
You'll get yours!
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 23, 2003
You rotten scum!!!
There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm siccing the police on you!
One who means it!
***************************************************************************
December 24, 2003
Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!
What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
***************************************************************************
December 25, 2003
The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.
Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Krispy, I've seen that one before but it always makes me laugh.....thanks.. :))
THIS IS SOOOOO TRUE!!!
THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
______________________________________________________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up
the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you
can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with
some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they
need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and
Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave
a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.
_______________________________________________ _______
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!
==============================================================================
Good one Nanners :)) :))
thanx tara.. i have 3 daughters and i can relate to all of those .. :))
Nan, that was excellent. Thanks for the reminders and the laugh.... :))
Your welcome.. :)
TO ALL THE "SWEET TATERS" IN MY LIFE
<3 :;'
Quote from: nanners on April 30, 2006, 07:05:25 PM
TO ALL THE "SWEET TATERS" IN MY LIFE
<3 :;'
How many do you have?? :))
well phooey..didn't that link work?? lol
Quote from: nanners on April 30, 2006, 07:26:34 PM
well phooey..didn't that link work?? lol
Ummmmmm.......no. :))
funny one nanners :))
nanners that was just priceless and so very true :)) :)) :)) :))
A parable is told of a farmer who owned an old mule.
The mule fell into the farmer's well. The farmer heard the mule "braying"- or whatever mules do when they fall into wells. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving. Instead he called his neighbors together and told them what had happened...and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.
Initially, the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back...a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back...HE SHOULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP!
This he did blow after blow. "Shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up!" he repeated to encourage himself. No matter how painful the blows, or distressing the situation seemed the old mule fought "panic" and just kept right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP!
It was not long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, STEPPED TRIUMPHANTLY OVER THE WALL OF THAT WELL. What seemed would bury him, actually blessed him...because of the manner
in which he handled his adversity.
THAT'S LIFE! If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness or self-pity... THE ADVERSITIES THAT COME ALONG TO BURY US USUALLY HAVE WITHIN THEM THE POTENTIAL TO BENEFIT AND BLESS US!
ONE MORE THING....
"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."
That was a very nice story. I kept waiting for the "punch line". :o
How would you like to find this when you went for a beer?? :)) :))
(https://img80.imageshack.us/img80/1071/att000454qr.jpg)
lol that would be a shock :))
Heck yes it would.... :o
Quote from: Helen on May 02, 2006, 12:49:25 PM
How would you like to find this when you went for a beer?? :)) :))
(https://img80.imageshack.us/img80/1071/att000454qr.jpg)
NICE puppy. NICE puppy. You wanna bud lite? ;::
That "puppy" looks like it would chew the top off the can.... :))
(https://img483.imageshack.us/img483/7272/untitled4hm.jpg) (https://imageshack.us)
Quote from: WhitePanther on May 02, 2006, 09:15:02 PM
(https://img483.imageshack.us/img483/7272/untitled4hm.jpg) (https://imageshack.us)
That was great!! :D
Quote from: WhitePanther on May 02, 2006, 09:15:02 PM
(https://img483.imageshack.us/img483/7272/untitled4hm.jpg) (https://imageshack.us)
ROFL, oh I loved that joke the 1st time I posted it: http://www.pogocheats.net/forum/index.php/topic,22496.msg142708.html#msg142708
:))
ohhh my ;D
oh well sorry
Quote from: WhitePanther on May 03, 2006, 12:44:02 PM
oh well sorry
I wouldn't lose sleep over it..... ;:: There's a lot of pages and you just missed it. :P
The Hormone Hostage
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Do you want fifty dollars?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
Remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings.
Another thing ... My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.
Here have some chocolate .....
Haaaaa, those are good Krispy!! :))
ty helen
Men who don't understand women fall into two categories: bachelors and husbands.
You can tell how old you are by remembering when a family went for a Sunday drive and everyone got in the same car.
I have an ulterior motive for my hidden agenda.
Q: Why was there six bullet holes in the mirror???
A: A blonde tried to shoot herself.
Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words: "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of their embedded silicon identity chips.
Scars: Tattoos with better stories.
******
Reasons Cats Are Better Than Men!
1. Cats don't golf every Saturday.
2. Cats won't say an outfit makes you look fat.
3. Cats aren't interested in microbrews. (what is that anyway?)
4. Cats don't golf on Sunday either.
5. Cats treat your mom with respect.
6. Cats don't leave the seat up.
7. Cats aren't afraid of commitment.
8. Cats don't think the Three Stooges are funny.
9. Cats don't need constant attention.
10. Cats don't worry about hair loss.
But the top reason cats are better than men...............
Cats can be neutered if they stray!
:)) :)) krispy very funny
Krispy.... O0 Those were good!! :))
i liked em :))
Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems. Bill's company installed a car wash system in Maryland.
Now understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer and money taking machines.
The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.
He went as far as to accuse Bill's employees of having a key to the boxes and ripping him off.
Bill just couldn't believe that his people would do that, so they setup a camera to catch the thief in action. Well, they did catch him on film!
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/joke%20pics/birdcashier1.jpg)
That's a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine.
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/joke%20pics/birdcashier2.jpg)
The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get to the money!
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/joke%20pics/birdcashier3.jpg)
That's three quarters he has in his beak! Another amazing thing is that it was not just one bird -- there were several working together.
Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree.
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/joke%20pics/birdcashier4.jpg)
And you thought you heard of everything by now!!!
I've seen that one before but it's still funny as heck. Poor employees getting blamed.... :))
LOL.... Now, how to train my birds......... :-\
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?
OMG.....that was too funny. :))
lol...good one White
really funny :))
MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO
John Doe
April 1, 2006
Dear President Bush:
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.
So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely,
John Doe
Quote from: krispy on May 09, 2006, 09:43:29 AM
MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO
John Doe
April 1, 2006
Dear President Bush:
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.
So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely,
John Doe
All I can say to this is......a cold day in hell. :))
lol so true :))
A Free Ride: $10 is $10!
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Doctor's Advice for Husband's Survival
My wife, Marilyn accompanied me to the doctor's office for my annual physical.
After the physical, and while I was getting dressed the doctor called Marilyn into his office alone.
He told Marilyn, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible
stress. If you do not follow my advice your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal and put it on a TV tray in front of his lounging chair.
For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him and let him eat it where he chooses.
Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
Don't discuss your problems with him because it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him several backrubs.
Encourage him to watch sporting events on television.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim."
"If you can do this for the next year, I think your husband will begin to regain his health."
On the way home, I asked Marilyn what the doctor told her.
She said "You're going to die."
Quote from: Tigereyes on May 11, 2006, 01:56:37 PM
Doctor's Advice for Husband's Survival
My wife, Marilyn accompanied me to the doctor's office for my annual physical.
After the physical, and while I was getting dressed the doctor called Marilyn into his office alone.
He told Marilyn, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible
stress. If you do not follow my advice your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal and put it on a TV tray in front of his lounging chair.
For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him and let him eat it where he chooses.
Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
Don't discuss your problems with him because it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him several backrubs.
Encourage him to watch sporting events on television.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim."
"If you can do this for the next year, I think your husband will begin to regain his health."
On the way home, I asked Marilyn what the doctor told her.
She said "You're going to die."
ROFL, I can bet many other women would say the same thing if the doc told them this was the only possible cure.
Rest In Peace - While You Can
Sentimental widow planning for long-term revenge...
Version One:
A sentimental widow put up a lovely marble stone for her late husband.
Its wording read: REST IN PEACE - UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN
Version Two:
When her late husband's will was read, a widow learned he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman. Enraged, she rushed over to the Memorial Home to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.
"Sorry, lady," said the stonecutter. "I inscribed 'Rest In Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."
"Very well," she said grimly. "Just add 'Until We Meet Again.'"
This is cute...try it.
http://www.sexgage.com
I right on the line between 8 & 9. So I get to pick ... I'm going to go with Steamy :)) <3 :))
Quote from: nanners on May 12, 2006, 05:24:36 AM
This is cute...try it.
http://www.sexgage.com
I was steamy to..not bad for an old broad huh??? :)) :))
Guess we're like a fine wine. Get better with age.
but of course! lmao
priorities
A man had two great tickets for the FIFA World Cup final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in
the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "The seat is empty".
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have
a seat like this for the World Cup final, the biggest sporting event
In the year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed
to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
haven't been together since we got married".
"Oh . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the
seat?"
The man shakes his head...
"No. They're all at the funeral
who should be in charge
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
> trying to decide who was the one in charge.
>
>"I should be in charge," said the brain ,
>"Because I run all the body's systems,
> so without me nothing would happen."
>"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
>"Because I circulate oxygen all over
>so without me you'd all waste away."
>
>"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
> Because I process food and give
>all of you energy."
>
>"I should be in charge," said the legs,
>"because I carry the body wherever
> it needs to go."
>
>"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
>"Because I allow the body to see
> where it goes."
>
>"I should be in charge," said the! rectum,
> "Because I'm responsible for
>waste removal."
>
>All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
> And insulted him, so in a huff,
>he shut down tight.
>
>Within a few days,
>the brain had a terrible headache,
>
>the stomach was bloated,
> the legs got wobbly,
>the eyes got watery,
> and the blood Was toxic.
>They all decided that the
>rectum should be the boss.
>
>The Moral of the story?
>
>
>The A-hole is usually in charge !!
>
here is a site for visual puns.
http://www.worth1000.com/cache/contest/contestcache.asp?contest_id=7550&display=photoshop#entries
there is even an assaulted peanut in there :))
this is pretty funny s*uff
I love that site. That's where I got my "Oops" picture, the bird droppings, Homer & Illegal Photoshop picture I've posted here recently. That's such an awesome site.
Quote from: SaintHippo on May 19, 2006, 07:50:30 AM
I love that site. That's where I got my "Oops" picture, the bird droppings, Homer & Illegal Photoshop picture I've posted here recently. That's such an awesome site.
i have been with that site a long time. they have some excellent material. O0
got this in my mail today
NEW VIRUS
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by
hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If
you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else
via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should
come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good
friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should share this warning with 5 friends. If you do not have 5
friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that
Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but
may require a more generous application.
Quote from: triniqueen27 on May 25, 2006, 08:28:54 AM
got this in my mail today
NEW VIRUS
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by
hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If
you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else
via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should
come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good
friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should share this warning with 5 friends. If you do not have 5
friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that
Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but
may require a more generous application.
i have the mutated version of that virus
the "I Used to Have a Life" virus.
A Cardiologist Died
A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that Point,
one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at Him,
he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral . .
I'm a Gynecologist."
The Proctologist fainted.
Quote from: Super Duckie on September 03, 2004, 10:07:05 PM
I never heard that one before, ;)
So, Jesus walks into an Inn... hands the Keeper 3 nails.. and say's "can you put me up for the night?" >:D
nice joke :)
(https://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c24/clf05/word%20tags/30231.jpg)
I think after we get Miss 100 Personalities all settled in the nut house , we should see about getting Bubbles and Krispy locked up in a room with all their signs and stickers..Sheesh it would take them a year to get them all posted . Sometimes I feel like were on a crowded freeway with billboards all in our faces :)) :))
Quote from: Tara on May 27, 2006, 08:57:44 PM
I think after we get Miss 100 Personalities all settled in the nut house , we should see about getting Bubbles and Krispy locked up in a room with all their signs and stickers..Sheesh it would take them a year to get them all posted . Sometimes I feel like were on a crowded freeway with billboards all in our faces :)) :))
:P
:))
i can fix that
Dear Ms. DeShazo,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. DeShazo, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all these incidents with our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are now attending counseling for the emotional stress caused from the trouble your husband has created. All of our complaints against Mr. DeShazo have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Zimbrowski,
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
Linda, CA
MEMO
Re: Mr. Jerry DeShazo's Complaints - 15 Things Mr. DeShazo has done while his wife is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they were not looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to individually go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watched to see what would happen.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he fell to the floor in the fetal position and while loudly sucking his thumb, screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And, last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited several minutes. Then, yelled, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The
puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. He takes it
to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?" The owner replies, "$25 for the rat and $100 for the story". The tourist gives the man $25 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.
As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the tens even hundreds of thousands, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the now millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you can make a bronze statue of my wife, her brother and her mother..............
(OK, for all of you that have seen the original joke, I changed the ending to where it was not raciest) :oo
Quote from: krispy on May 27, 2006, 09:31:41 PM
Quote from: Tara on May 27, 2006, 08:57:44 PM
I think after we get Miss 100 Personalities all settled in the nut house , we should see about getting Bubbles and Krispy locked up in a room with all their signs and stickers..Sheesh it would take them a year to get them all posted . Sometimes I feel like were on a crowded freeway with billboards all in our faces :)) :))
:P
:))
i can fix that
Aweee what a shame you deleted everything in your previous post. Defeats the purpose of my post, but then again as long as I know what I am talking about its all good. :))
Quote from: Tara on May 28, 2006, 07:41:59 AM
Quote from: krispy on May 27, 2006, 09:31:41 PM
Quote from: Tara on May 27, 2006, 08:57:44 PM
I think after we get Miss 100 Personalities all settled in the nut house , we should see about getting Bubbles and Krispy locked up in a room with all their signs and stickers..Sheesh it would take them a year to get them all posted . Sometimes I feel like were on a crowded freeway with billboards all in our faces :)) :))
:P
:))
i can fix that
Aweee what a shame you deleted everything in your previous post. Defeats the purpose of my post, but then again as long as I know what I am talking about its all good. :))
i kinda liked my stuff, but i dont want to offend anyone, so that is why i pulled it. ;D
The Almost Millionaire
> >>When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
> >>sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
> >>So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
> >>beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his
> >>breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as the
> >>walked up to her, but in just a week or two, my father will die,
> >>and I'll inherit 20
>million dollars."
> >>Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three
> >>days later, she became his stepmother.
> >>
> >> Women are so much smarter than men...
lol nice.
I went into the 7-11 gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
I do not remember where I got this one at. I hope it has not been posted yet so here goes.....
A man and his ever-nagging Wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the Wife passed away. The undertaker told the Husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was
buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
2 Good ones justahumping :)) :))
Quote from: triniqueen27 on May 28, 2006, 08:27:19 PM
The Almost Millionaire
> >>When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
> >>sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
> >>So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
> >>beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his
> >>breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as the
> >>walked up to her, but in just a week or two, my father will die,
> >>and I'll inherit 20
>million dollars."
> >>Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three
> >>days later, she became his stepmother.
> >>
> >> Women are so much smarter than men...
BWAH!
Quote from: justahumping on May 29, 2006, 02:33:39 AM
I went into the 7-11 gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
lmao :))
Working people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went to a small shop down on High Street. I was only in there for about 10 minutes.
When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He looked up, then ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a heartless Nazi b*stard. He glared at me and then started writing another ticket for worn tires. So I called him a piece of stinking dog crap. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. I called him an butt hole and a pig. Then he started writing a third ticket, So I slandered his mother!!!!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I verbally abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't give a crap. I came downtown by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.
nice one krispy :))
list of things to do today:
Use my Mastercard to pay my Visa and vice-versa.
Pop popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them I have other plans.
Make a list of things to do that I have already done.
Fill out my tax form using Roman Numerals.
Tape pictures of my boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
Pay the electric bills in pennies.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Write a short story using alphabet soup.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
Bill the doctor for a time spent in his waiting room.
Fill out every credit card application and magazine subscription i get and have them bill me later.
Do my assignments in binary code.
Now THAT is funny krispy.. good one
ty nanners
A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
>
>The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
>
>"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice...
:)) :)) :)) :))
:)) nice one crazy .. and krispy i loved your posts too :))
crazy, that was very funny! thanks, lmazzettia.
no problem, not that i didnt need to laugh any more than i have, with the 100 personalities thread :))
Quote from: lmazzettia on May 30, 2006, 07:10:10 PM
no problem, not that i didnt need to laugh any more than i have, with the 100 personalities thread :))
yes, that thread is certainly getting a workout, lol.
np glad to be able to provide a chuckle ... yvw
nice one krispy :))
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as she turned back, there standing next to her, was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?'' Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked. "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price. :))
Nude Firefighters
The all nude firefighter calendar for 2006 comes in an all-male and an all-female version. All pics show full frontal nudity, for both female and males.
Just click on the menu to select which one you want to view.
They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers.
Click on the site (2006 Calendar) below to view all 12 (24) totally nude firefighters .
2006 Calendar
http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf
Homer/Mayhem...please don't remove until you try it 1st. ;)
Autolover that was :))
Quote from: ~Ãutolovér~ on June 04, 2006, 06:10:56 PM
Nude Firefighters
The all nude firefighter calendar for 2006 comes in an all-male and an all-female version. All pics show full frontal nudity, for both female and males.
Just click on the menu to select which one you want to view.
They are available for sale on the site -- the calendars, not the officers.
Click on the site (2006 Calendar) below to view all 12 (24) totally nude firefighters .
2006 Calendar
http://www.richstevens.com/NAKED.swf
Homer/Mayhem...please don't remove until you try it 1st. ;)
Good gawd woman !! :;'
good one auto lmao :)) im thinkin cool, sweet naked guys woo hoo ::)
Quote from: lmazzettia on June 04, 2006, 06:57:40 PM
good one auto lmao :)) im thinkin cool, sweet naked guys woo hoo ::)
:)) >:D hi hi!
alil over excited? lol
While I was watching the NFL playoff games one weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that
I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.
lol I would have done the same dang thing >:D :))
umm that gives me and idea... yep gonna try that tonight lol
:o you brave woman lol. keep us updated as to what happens lol
IFyou don't hear from me tomorrow you know I didn't survive the battle lmao more than likely he'll run and turn off my puter to get even lol
lol ok *marks on post it note * "keep track of angel77, incase hubby gets too mad at her :)) " ok got it. i know mine would unplug my puter lol
How Many Christians Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?
Charismatic : Only 1
Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians : None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic : None
Candles only.
Baptists : At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken .
Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians :
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists : Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene : 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish :
What's a light bulb?
The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a
beautiful sexy young woman. "You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk!
What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the
mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a
divorce!" The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you
leave, at least listen to what happened." "It'll be the last thing
I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep." "While
driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so
defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed
she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had
not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and
warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't
eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them
to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was
dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I
noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them
away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that
you no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her
the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear
because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my
sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my
sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive
boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker
wearing the same pair. After she dressed, I walked the young woman
to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude
streaming down her cheeks, she asked me, "Sir, do you have anything
else your wife doesn't use?" ..... YES, I do baby!! .....
:o :-[ :-\
No more prostitute jokes. We have members as young as 13.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
lmao thanks for sharing
lmao.great one. :))
For all of us who are married, were married, wish we were married, or wish we weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade ."
:)) :)) :))
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He
replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very
nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel,
climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,
entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by
a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and
cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back
and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you
we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving
so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would
hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.
She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about
thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on
her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
'No," she said, "I was a hooker in Kentucky and I worked both sides of the
Ohio River.
lol :))
How to get out of your next speeding Ticket !
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) lmao good one
:)) :)) :))) :)) thats was good
lmao. :))
now I like that one :))
Quiz
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side
is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the
same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as
your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying
at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also
traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
situation?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Answer:
Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so
much!!!
:)))
lmao!
Nice one.
lmao sweet. :))
When a woman wears leather clothing, ........
a man's heart beats
quicker, his throat gets dry,
he goes weak
in the knees
and he begins
to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
*
*
*
Because she smells like a new truck. ???
eh :xx
Train travel
Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women
buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train.
The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together
and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game,
they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see,
to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women. When they board the train, the three men cram themselves
into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet
in which the men are hiding. The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women!!! Jack azz.
lmao! Good one!
how to tell you went through the light to fast:
(https://img231.imageshack.us/img231/2082/toofast3oi.jpg)
Quote from: bubblegum on June 23, 2006, 04:56:03 PM
how to tell you went through the light to fast:
(https://img231.imageshack.us/img231/2082/toofast3oi.jpg)
I think I was driving that car. :o
Poor doggie. *reminder. do not drive with Lib. lol :)))
Quote from: Lynne on June 23, 2006, 05:19:39 PM
Poor doggie. *reminder. do not drive with Lib. lol :)))
(https://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g38/SunnyLibra/Itwasntme.jpg)
Quote from: Libra on June 23, 2006, 05:33:11 PM
Quote from: Lynne on June 23, 2006, 05:19:39 PM
Poor doggie. *reminder. do not drive with Lib. lol :)))
(https://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g38/SunnyLibra/Itwasntme.jpg)
Hey where did you get that tag?
Quote from: Tara on June 23, 2006, 05:43:20 PM
Quote from: Libra on June 23, 2006, 05:33:11 PM
Quote from: Lynne on June 23, 2006, 05:19:39 PM
Poor doggie. *reminder. do not drive with Lib. lol :)))
(https://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g38/SunnyLibra/Itwasntme.jpg)
Hey where did you get that tag?
Trini made if for me as a defense since I'm naughty! :D
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to
visit. ''May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed , they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him."
A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English
Channel Breast Stroke Competition.
The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there
was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by
causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing
hope, the blonde finally arrived.
The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They
embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the
excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered,
"I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used
their arms."
Bwah!
Quote from: Monkey™ on June 27, 2006, 08:11:53 AM
A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English
Channel Breast Stroke Competition.
The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there
was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by
causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing
hope, the blonde finally arrived.
The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They
embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the
excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered,
"I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used
their arms."
:D :))
A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she went to the church and prayed: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business." She didn't win. So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business and my car." Still, she didn't win.
So the next day she was about to lose her buisness, her car and her house. She went to the church to pray: "God, if I don't win the lotto, I will lose my business, my car and my house." Then suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and she heard the booming voice of God declare, "Buy a ticket."
lmao.
A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is
synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the
course. What's your secret?" Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered"
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her
husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra? Asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went"
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!."
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad,
passionate love to me on the tablet top! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again"
:)) good one clingy :))
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
''Hello?'' says a little girl's voice.
''Hi, honey, it's Daddy,'' says Bob. ''Is Mommy near the phone?''
''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'' After a brief pause, Bob says, ''But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!''
''Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!''
''Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.''
''Okay, Daddy!'' A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ''Well, I did what you said, Daddy.''
''And what happened?''
''Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.''
''Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?''
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.''
There is a long pause.
''Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?''
Quote from: Monkey™ on June 28, 2006, 04:42:15 PM
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
''Hello?'' says a little girl's voice.
''Hi, honey, it's Daddy,'' says Bob. ''Is Mommy near the phone?''
''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'' After a brief pause, Bob says, ''But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!''
''Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!''
''Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.''
''Okay, Daddy!'' A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ''Well, I did what you said, Daddy.''
''And what happened?''
''Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.''
''Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?''
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.''
There is a long pause.
''Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?''
HA!!!
I've heard that one before. Still funny the second time. :))
Quote from: Monkey™ on June 28, 2006, 04:42:15 PM
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
''Hello?'' says a little girl's voice.
''Hi, honey, it's Daddy,'' says Bob. ''Is Mommy near the phone?''
''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'' After a brief pause, Bob says, ''But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!''
''Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!''
''Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.''
''Okay, Daddy!'' A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ''Well, I did what you said, Daddy.''
''And what happened?''
''Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.''
''Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?''
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.''
There is a long pause.
''Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?''
OMG can you imagine? :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
:;'
lmao.nice :))
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," you don't understand.
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -
'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"
Quote from: Monkey™ on June 29, 2006, 08:13:56 AM
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," you don't understand.
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -
'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"
lmao. gotta love those blonde jokes..
lmao @ all of 'em, Monkey!
LMMFAO most @ your avi! That's my most favorite picture of our fearless leader! :)))
I got this as a forward one time & I thought it was funny. Got to reading some of the other peoples posts && thought that I would share it..
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get
married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said.
"Just look at you .. you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and
said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an Envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was
Addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and Read the letter with trembling hands:-
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving Home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid A scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy
and he is So nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the
kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?),and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't
you agree? Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own
way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the
cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO" Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is
Safe for me to come home. I love you!
:)) good one
LMAO! That was a good one.
lmao. :))
LOL thats a good one :))
lmao.... That's a good one. Thanks for sharing
LMAO I can relate to this one! :))
AAADD
(Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder)
This is how Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check left
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight, when I go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day ...
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water
There is still only one check in my check book
I can't find the remote
I can't find my glasses
I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
Have a Great Day :/\
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
crazy_
lmao...That was great even if I just had one of those days last week lol
A blonde walks into a store.
She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk:
"I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
lmao.nice :)
Quote from: crazy_ on July 01, 2006, 08:02:38 AM
LMAO I can relate to this one! :))
AAADD
(Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder)
This is how Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check left
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight, when I go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day ...
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water
There is still only one check in my check book
I can't find the remote
I can't find my glasses
I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
Have a Great Day :/\
I love this...lmao
New drugs for women
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?.
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him
and last but not least we have
FUKITOL
Depressed?Over Worked? Unappreciated? Family Problems? Money Worries? This is the pill for you! When Life just blows... Fukitol....
:)) i like that one angel
I just received it in my e-mail thought you girls and uh-mm*clearing throat* guys might get a laugh or two out of it...lol
:)) good one angel
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Got this in a email. Normally I don't read forwards & never do I send them unless they are really good. But I just thought that I would share this one with all of you lovely people.. It's kinda cute, but stupid at the same time.. So I will appologize now if none of you like it.. lol
In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with
A Misdewiener! :))) ;::
Got this one in a forward today.. I thought it was good.
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
>:(( :;' :)))
Quote from: n8sgirl on July 03, 2006, 08:49:39 AM
Got this one in a forward today.. I thought it was good.
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
>:(( :;' :)))
That was really cute! :)) :)) Thanks for sharing that O0
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retire and fall asleep quickly. He is in the upper bunk and she is in the lower bunk. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying: "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own *darn* blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted
The Three Bears (The Real Story)
It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and looks at the table at his small bowl........... it is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks with all the fierceness he can muster.
Next, Papa Bear arrives at the scene, looks into his big bowl............. it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars and shakes the house.
Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For heaven's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"
"It was Mama Bear who got up first", "It was Mama Bear who woke up everyone in the house", "It was Mama Bear who made the coffee", "It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away", "It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper", "It was Mama Bear who set the table", "It was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry selves downstairs and grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy
presence,........ listen good.........'cause I'm only going to say this one more time..............
I HAVEN'T MADE THE #*#*#* PORRIDGE YET!!!!!"
Female joke
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will). Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 . . . . on one condition." (There
are always conditions)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. Then he replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling, huh?)
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Clean my house." :))
lol. ;D
Married 25 years
I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed...............
lol. :)
Quote from: justahumping on July 05, 2006, 03:27:56 PM
Female joke
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will). Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 . . . . on one condition." (There
are always conditions)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. Then he replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling, huh?)
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Clean my house." :))
lmmfao! :))
The Long History of Man's Evolution...
(https://img87.imageshack.us/img87/5320/26hr.jpg)
LMAO :)) :))
lol. :)
actual charting in hospitals lol :ooo
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Note: patient here -- recovering from forehead cut. Patient became angry when given an enema by mistake.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
22. Skin: somewhat pale but present
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
lol... and the sad part this actually happens that's one of my many reason for not being a nurse today.
lol nice list.
haha..i like those... :))
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan; so, the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls
Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the
title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but, we're a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"
The blonde replies, "The airport wanted to charge me two hundred
dollars to store my car. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks
for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Not all blondes are dumb.
>
>
lmao. :))
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.
To Save money, they decided to sleep two to a room.
Noone wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time,
so they voted to take turns,
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning,! same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the
roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy tailed. Good morning." They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night
long."
To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his *ummm lets call it Stanley*
Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to *Stanley* and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.
A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned *Stanley* into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his*Stanley* fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"
lol. :)
old is so hard at times.
Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.
NOW, I talk like an asshole .....but, my gums don't itch!
Quote from: justahumping on July 20, 2006, 04:37:03 PM
old is so hard at times.
Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.
NOW, I talk like an asshole .....but, my gums don't itch!
Oh my!! :))
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds,
my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown? ... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn Around"!
Heeheeheeheehee!
THOSE ITALIAN NUNS
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
================================================
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell :))
Clingy? You better pull up the minivan 'cause...
:))
>:D
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He
puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look,
I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your
father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a
white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your
grandmother." The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says, "Mira,
abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and
sends him back to his mother.
His mother says, "See. Did you learn anything from that?" To which the
boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I
already don't like you Mexicans!"
Quote from: foxx on July 20, 2006, 04:57:04 PM
Clingy? You better pull up the minivan 'cause...
:))
>:D
GIGGLESNORT! Yup, pull the minivan around! :))
A Middle Eastern potentate visiting the U.S. for the first time was attending a State Department dinner. Being unused to the salt in American foods, he continually sent his manservant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water. After several trips, Abdul returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you bastard son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" the grand emir demanded. "Ten thousand pardons, Illustrious One," stammered the wretched servant, "but white man sit on well."
Quote from: foxx on July 20, 2006, 04:57:04 PM
Clingy? You better pull up the minivan 'cause...
:))
>:D
Mini van is gassed up and ready to go!
Quote from: ClingFree on July 20, 2006, 05:01:48 PM
Quote from: foxx on July 20, 2006, 04:57:04 PM
Clingy? You better pull up the minivan 'cause...
:))
>:D
Mini van is gassed up and ready to go!
We might go straight to hell but we will be holding hands right girls?
Quote from: Tara on July 20, 2006, 05:02:22 PM
Quote from: ClingFree on July 20, 2006, 05:01:48 PM
Quote from: foxx on July 20, 2006, 04:57:04 PM
Clingy? You better pull up the minivan 'cause...
:))
>:D
Mini van is gassed up and ready to go!
We might go straight to hell but we will be holding hands right girls?
Holding hands, and making faces at all the people we pass!!
Quote from: Tara on July 20, 2006, 05:02:22 PM
Quote from: ClingFree on July 20, 2006, 05:01:48 PM
Quote from: foxx on July 20, 2006, 04:57:04 PM
Clingy? You better pull up the minivan 'cause...
:))
>:D
Mini van is gassed up and ready to go!
We might go straight to hell but we will be holding hands right girls?
Absolutely. :-* >>:D :-*
Oh, and I've decided to add this...
(https://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e229/nykkifoxx/closeup-1.jpg)
to every post I make in protest.
Love,
Bossy Foxx
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.
He asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
Quote from: Tara on July 20, 2006, 05:02:22 PM
Quote from: ClingFree on July 20, 2006, 05:01:48 PM
Quote from: foxx on July 20, 2006, 04:57:04 PM
Clingy? You better pull up the minivan 'cause...
:))
>:D
Mini van is gassed up and ready to go!
We might go straight to hell but we will be holding hands right girls?
Yup! You got it!
A lady walks into a penthouse bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the
counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you."
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real ass when you're drunk!"
lol. :)
Teehee! Good one Auto!
lol cute
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again.
A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are assholes!"
A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that."
The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy responded "No, I'm an asshole."
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles." :ooo
TeeHee :)))
lol good one!! :))
good one :))
Most of America thinks it improper to spank children, so my spouse and I
have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of "those
moments."
One that we found very effective is for me just to take the child for a
car ride and talk. They seem to calm down and stop misbehaving after our
little ride together.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with our son, in case
you would like to try the technique. I've been told it even works on
grandkids.
Good luck...
(https://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i223/crazy__photos/forum%20pics/nospanking.jpg)
Quote from: crazy_ on July 25, 2006, 06:16:20 AM
Most of America thinks it improper to spank children, so my spouse and I
have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of "those
moments."
One that we found very effective is for me just to take the child for a
car ride and talk. They seem to calm down and stop misbehaving after our
little ride together.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with our son, in case
you would like to try the technique. I've been told it even works on
grandkids.
Good luck...
(https://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i223/crazy__photos/forum%20pics/nospanking.jpg)
Ha!!!! The best part of that whole picture is the speed sign in the background!
lol. ;D
i cant get the picture now, well actually its part of a video but theres a tractor going down the road and a bike speeds by him doing about 115-120 or so, and then you see the sign saying the bikes speed and it takes a picture of the tractor and the speed sign saying the tractor was doing over 100 mph.. you really have to see the video/picture to really laugh about it but still its funny, and that picture reminded me of that.
I need to try that with my 5 year old :))
One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
Quote from: ~Ãutolovér~ on July 22, 2006, 03:54:52 AM
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles." :ooo
:))
Quote from: Super Duckie on September 03, 2004, 09:45:59 PM
heres one for ya Homer, you probally seen this before
*The Poopie List*
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!
:)))
Quote from: Super Duckie on September 03, 2004, 10:16:46 PM
How about
CROP DUSTER POOPIE
Occurs when walking through a room filled with people and begins with long stream of gas and small poopie pellets.
NUT POOPIE
One of the - if not THE most painful poopie in the whole history of poopi-ing occurs when one has too much fiber and/or does not chew food finely enough.
UPPER-CLASS POOPIE
A very uncommon poopie that occurs after eating healthy foods and lots of nice water. It doesn't stink! WTF is that? A poopie that doesn't stink! Well, it should be in the protected ass group due to its near extinction and rare occurrences.
MEXICAN POOPIUS
A party poopie! This poopie explodes like a piñata and burns burns burns. It then continues to dribble and gurgle farts. It emits a vague picante aroma. A stimulating albeit mushy experience indeed!
SHOTGUN POOPIE
A poopie that is thought to be a fart while on the toilet, but it explodes violently with a loud gunlike fart and at least 12 poopie pellets shoot out. Anything in the toilet is brutally mauled.
DEAD DROP POOPIE
The biggest poopies of them all! A poopie so huge, so enormously deadly, it takes at least a dozen flushes, some jabbing, and praying to get it down. Referred to as the big brother of the Lincoln Log Poopie.
LITTLE NOISY POOPIE
A poopie that is the noisiest poopie in the entire history, bigger than the gassy poopie! Occurs after heavy drinking and bean eating. The only time these are expelled is when a violent FART takes place. This poopie usually lasts up to 5 hours!
:D
Quote from: Homer on September 04, 2004, 09:10:20 PM
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
:)) :D
Quote from: Super Duckie on September 04, 2004, 09:38:31 PM
Baked beans and their delightful tune
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
:))
Quote from: david/ross on July 30, 2006, 01:11:10 PM
:))
C'mon. Just 207 more posts till you get 250. :///
:))this good stuff :))
these jokes make me laugh just like 250 :/\
250 :)) :))) :-[
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog? On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me. :))
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store:
Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.. When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
Quote from: justahumping on July 30, 2006, 04:26:06 PM
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store:
Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.. When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
LMAO :)) :))
:D that funny :))
Quote from: justahumping on July 30, 2006, 04:26:06 PM
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store:
Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.. When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
thats a good one
Drug dealers and software developers - a comparison
Drug Dealers
-----------------------------------
Refer to their clients as "users".
"The first one's free!"
Have important Asian connections.
Strange jargon:
"Stick"
"Rock"
"Wrap"
"E"
"Stash"
"Drive-by"
"Hit (LSD)"
"Source"
"The Pigs"
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Clients really like your stuff when it works.When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent product.
Often seen in the company of pimps, hustlers and low-lifes
When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive
A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers.
Product causes unhealthy addictions.
Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Software Developers
-----------------------------------
Refer to their clients as "users".
"Download a free trial version..."
Have important Asian connections.
Strange jargon: "SCSI"
"RTFM"
"Packet"
"C"
"Cache"
"CTRL ALT DEL"
"Hit (WWW)"
"Source-code"
"Microsoft"
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Clients really like your stuff when it works.When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent products.
Often seen in the company of marketing people, venture capitalists and fund managers.
When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive
A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers.
DOOM, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem 3D...
Damn! DAMN!!!
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city's stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the "picture," but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn't much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
The man's many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy's suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
---------------------------------------------------
This morning my wife was up early; earlier than me. Sleepily I kissed her 'good morning'. She said, "I'm taking care of breakfast."
Excited, I nearly jumped for joy when I said, "Really? You're kidding, right? You never help with breakfast. Then again, you're never awake this early. Oh boy! Do I get breakfast in bed?"
"Sure. If you'll make the toast and pour the coffee," Cathy replied, "breakfast will be ready."
"Alright!" I said as I put a couple of slices of bread in the toaster. "What are we having for breakfast?"
"Toast and coffee."
----------------------------------------
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
-----------------------------------------
A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"
The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying grass across the street."
------------------------------------
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
---------------------------------------------
Did you know that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found dead? They're looking for a cereal killer.
-----------------------------------------
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or was it twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask ... is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
----------------------------------------------------
Top 10 New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep
10. Read less.
9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
6. Procrastinate more.
5. Drink. Drink some more.
4. Start being superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work.
2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
MAN OF THE HOUSE
The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
THE FINAL GEICO COMMERCIAL !
(https://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i223/crazy__photos/geico.jpg)
Now, where can I find that damn duck?
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying
to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be
hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and
on and on and on!
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution
after all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed,"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T
YOU EVER STOP!"
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!
And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done, "the genie said."And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." he said,
"Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Quote from: crazy_ on August 01, 2006, 02:56:17 AM
THE FINAL GEICO COMMERCIAL !
(https://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i223/crazy__photos/geico.jpg)
Now, where can I find that damn duck?
:)) i love that :D
Quote from: justahumping on August 01, 2006, 01:27:28 PM
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!
And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done, "the genie said."And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." he said,
"Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
:))
:)) :)))
Marriage #11
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."
"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was............ God, I miss him!".........
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" "Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"
You are going to love this one.
"You're with the Government........This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
LMAO @ both jokes, Justa! :))
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady
following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she
kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and
she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at
ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He
answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as
I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went
through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store,
the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved
and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's
day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $151.85,"
said the clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 4 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her
things, too."
Quote from: crazy_ on August 03, 2006, 10:03:32 AM
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady
following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she
kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and
she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at
ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He
answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as
I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went
through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store,
the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved
and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's
day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $151.85,"
said the clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 4 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her
things, too."
Lmao!
Quote from: crazy_ on August 03, 2006, 10:03:32 AM
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady
following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she
kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and
she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at
ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He
answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as
I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went
through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store,
the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved
and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's
day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $151.85,"
said the clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 4 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her
things, too."
haha
It's Soooo Hot!
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
Stay cool all :))
Quote from: justahumping on August 03, 2006, 10:26:43 AM
It's Soooo Hot!
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
Gigglesnort ... Anyone else think of T while readin this one?
Quote from: ClingFree on August 03, 2006, 10:29:42 AM
Quote from: justahumping on August 03, 2006, 10:26:43 AM
It's Soooo Hot!
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
Gigglesnort ... Anyone else think of T while readin this one?
lmao you meanie!!
FUNNIES ON LIFE
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
>>>He thought he was God, and I didn't.
=========================
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
>>>Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
=========================
For Sale:
>>>Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake
=========================
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
>>>Before marriage and after marriage.
=========================
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
>>>Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
=========================
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
>>>"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
=========================
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
=========================
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
=========================
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in is hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
=========================
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
=========================
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
>>>Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." >>>Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
>>>Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
=========================
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
=========================
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said."Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
=========================
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
>>>The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
>>>A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."
Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house"
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"
"No."
"Then you're gay." ( I changed the last word so to not offend anyone )
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
____________________________________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
____________________________________________________________________
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
_____________________________________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
_____________________________________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! Why would you say that? What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it made a hole in Juan."
______________________________________________________________________
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
____________________________________________________________________
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants! ?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
______________________________________________________________________
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Me: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
_____________________________________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
______________________________________________________________________
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident. " She replied, "I know that, Grandpa. " He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards.
They are all funny, Jump...
Dumbazz -------->A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
lmbaoz
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons
of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train... cause we're
going down the tracks. " The horrified mother went into the living room
and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When
you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice
language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom ! and resumed
playing with this train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her
son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to
smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
Quote from: justahumping on August 03, 2006, 06:43:42 PM
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons
of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train... cause we're
going down the tracks. " The horrified mother went into the living room
and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When
you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice
language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom ! and resumed
playing with this train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her
son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to
smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
:)) lmao
Quote from: justahumping on August 03, 2006, 06:43:42 PM
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons
of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train... cause we're
going down the tracks. " The horrified mother went into the living room
and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When
you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice
language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom ! and resumed
playing with this train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her
son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to
smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
(https://img95.imageshack.us/img95/5107/att001062ause8.gif) (https://imageshack.us)
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "kittycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
"Your wife's kitty doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.
God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
:))
Quote from: justahumping on August 03, 2006, 06:43:42 PM
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons
of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train... cause we're
going down the tracks. " The horrified mother went into the living room
and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I
want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When
you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice
language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom ! and resumed
playing with this train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her
son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to
smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
lmao :)) :))
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
Jack Benny
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
Jack Benny
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Jack Benny
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control- top panty hose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "winkie" With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."
Subject: please send $
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
___________________
Reply from dad...
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant
having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's
the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems
with my swing, but I think I've got that going right
now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing
goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not
think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems
to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf
if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle
of the fairway ! and call to me. I listen for the sound
of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when
I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the
green or farther down the fairway and again I play the
ball toward his voice"
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in
front of the hole and call to me with his head on the
ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play
a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously,
so I only play for money, and never play for less than
$10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks ! it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when
would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when
all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into
his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOWLook at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, th ere are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. P uffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly ... Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff........
And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked they were doing.
"Were supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we dont have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Aint just like a dumb broad! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
Are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40-caliber, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
...................................................................
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
What do the European courts say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few a days and try to come to a consensus.
..................................................................
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
...................................................................
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....
(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
FINALLY A SMART BLOND
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title,
and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
09. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
07. Checkmate
06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
04. I don't have a favorite college team.
03. You Guys.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!
Subject: Two doctors LOL
One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers.
They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both
doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about we sleep
together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
The woman agrees. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom
and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.
She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom and
they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman,
"You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman.
"You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"
"Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback.
"How did you know?"
The woman answers, "I didn't feel a fricking thing. :))
Blonde Alligator Joke...
A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out
"SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is asocial worker in her mid twenties These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm
carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two
years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost,
but I don't know him well enough to discuss money issues with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted
with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week
for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what
do I do?
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him
every day.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball
all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe,
you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all
possible, I'll do for you."
And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights
later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of
white light and a voice calls out to him,
Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've
got really good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there.
Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all time.
"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"
You're pitching next Tuesday"
Now this one is clever.... :))
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a small sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but at least I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blonde every night.
Now, we have a nice house, nice cars, big king size bed and plasma screen TV, bu t now I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and she would buy me a 10 inch black & white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis ....
good 1 justahumping
:))
Why females should avoid a girl's night out after they are married
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around
3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the
cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
totally
smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?,
he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said,
"Oh. Shit." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another
3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee
table and farted."
:ooo
lmao that is great. :))
lol. ;D
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
I do not remember if this one has been posted or not?
Subject: 20 ways to maintain your sanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and
point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling
diamonds".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the
prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious
face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical
sounds all day at work.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are
going to have to let one of you go."
20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said,
"Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." What part of broke do you not understand? :)))
POORLY THOUGHT OUT DOMAIN NAMES...
(Seriously, I couldn't even make this stuff up and they are REAL!)
( I left off all the www.'s, Homer, I hope this is not against the rules? If so please let me know?)
1. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
... penisland.net :)))
2. How about a site called "Who Represents" - where you can find the name
of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name -- wait for it
-- is ... wh@represents.com (replace the @ with a , well you know)
3. Experts Exchange - a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views - visit them at ... expertsexchange.com :))
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at ...
therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company - oh, yeah!
- at... powergenitalia.com :))
6. And, then we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales at
... molestationnursery.com OMG!
7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always ...
ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
... cummingfirst.com (I liked to have fell over on this one)
9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website at
... speedofart.com (sounds like some of my friends)
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
... gotahoe.com (No commet)
another that I dont remember if I have posted or not?
LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER: (For real people)
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is asocial worker in her mid twenties These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?
===================================
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
===================================
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
===================================
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money issues with him.
===================================
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
===================================
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
===================================
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
===================================
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. :))
===================================
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
===================================
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? :)))
===================================
POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice.. .it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"What?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy. The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, yes I did, thanks."
"You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps........ :))
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago" :))
Verily I say unto ye.......... Money
It can buy a house
But not a home
It can buy a clock
But not time
It can buy you a position
But not respect
It can buy you a bed
But not sleep
It can buy you a book
But not knowledge
It can buy you medicine
But not health
It can buy you blood
But not life
So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you this because I am your friend
And as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering!!
So
Send me all your money and I will suffer for you!
Cash only please!
After all, what are friends for, huh?? :)))
Osama Gets His
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a Bottle along the way and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything," barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you! "The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance. :)))
:))
Nice to see you smile sweetness
Quote from: justahumping on August 11, 2006, 01:38:16 AM
Nice to see you smile sweetness
Thanks J ;)usta. I left you a message in the Watering Hole
A stupid question deserves an appropriate answer....
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador
Retriever and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the
hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my azz and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door. :)) :))
Gigglesnort :)) :))
good 1 xgingerx :)) :))
:D Good for you! Stupid people suck. ;)
really good 1 there :))
OMG LMAO @ the mammogram one. I would have done the same thing lol
:;'
I feel so sorry for you ladies when you have to have a mammogram :xx
here's a cute one :))) ifin you heard it laugh anyway :))
lil boy goes to church...sunday school teacher ask the class what part of the body do you think goes to heaven first.
lil boy put's his hand up teacher say's what do you think?
lil boy say's i think your legs go first...teacher say's why do you think that?
lil boy say's Well last night i heard my mommy say OMG i'm comeing..if daddy hadn't been on top of her holding her down we would have lost her for sure.... :)) :))
gigglesnortandpee :-\ :))
Gotta love those Italians!!
An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."
Folks..... I didn't do the survey, just passing the results along.
5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best about "Oral Sex":
a.. 3% liked the warmth.
b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.
c.. 93% appreciated the silence.
DOOR SIGN HUMOR
Sign
Over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose? "
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck : "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don 't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
Quote from: justahumping on August 17, 2006, 06:52:13 AM
Gotta love those Italians!!
An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."
:ooo
lol. :))
Ain't it the Truth!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
lol :)
Thats cute crazy
Quote from: crazy_ on August 17, 2006, 04:39:04 PM
Ain't it the Truth!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
LOL....
lol :)))
good one
lol
Quote from: crazy_ on August 17, 2006, 04:39:04 PM
Ain't it the Truth!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
:)) :)))
Quote from: crazy_ on August 17, 2006, 04:39:04 PM
Ain't it the Truth!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
:)) :))
How'd you get that from my dr...... :)) Thats me to a T
Redneck Army
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is " BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN ."
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
:ooo :))
Quote from: justahumping on August 19, 2006, 08:31:06 PM
Redneck Army
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is " BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN ."
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
lmmfao...
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
hehe....feeling sexist today :)
Quote from: justahumping on August 19, 2006, 08:31:06 PM
Redneck Army
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is " BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN ."
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
oh my effin gawd!!!
too too funny!!!!
A guy walks into his favorite bar and spots a table with his buddies in the back. He walks towards them and they stand-up to greet their friend. One of them notices that his eyes are red from crying and they ask what's the matter. "My mother in law just died," he replied. "That's terrible," they all say and offer their condolences. Then another guy asks him, "Why is your shirt all ripped?" The man says, "She put up a hell of a fight."
:oo
:)))
Quote from: foxx on August 21, 2006, 11:41:23 AM
:oo
:)))
My grandfather used to have a saying....
In-laws are outlaws. :))) :))) :))) :/\ :/\ :/\
Quote from: Homer on August 21, 2006, 11:37:42 AM
A guy walks into his favorite bar and spots a table with his buddies in the back. He walks towards them and they stand-up to greet their friend. One of them notices that his eyes are red from crying and they ask what's the matter. "My mother in law just died," he replied. "That's terrible," they all say and offer their condolences. Then another guy asks him, "Why is your shirt all ripped?" The man says, "She put up a hell of a fight."
That's mean. :oo
Quote from: Homer on August 21, 2006, 11:37:42 AM
A guy walks into his favorite bar and spots a table with his buddies in the back. He walks towards them and they stand-up to greet their friend. One of them notices that his eyes are red from crying and they ask what's the matter. "My mother in law just died," he replied. "That's terrible," they all say and offer their condolences. Then another guy asks him, "Why is your shirt all ripped?" The man says, "She put up a hell of a fight."
:)))that funny :)) :)) :))
:))
:))
heheh! :)))
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they would pick people from three different parts of Canada.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours,
and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.The first from Vancouver, says, "My answer is, there is no answer."
The second, from Toronto, says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one from Newfoundland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner? or Willie Nailer?
The Newfoundlander got the job.
I hope that no one takes offence to this. I really thought it was funny. O0
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen :))) (I have a few German freinds and they all liked this one)
chop firewood the redneck way
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs,
but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on
Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil!
This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were
standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully.
Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it
rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached
the conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one
of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"
"In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call
themselves the Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Songs of Siam,
but I said it was too long and, anyway, no one was from Siam. Then,
another thought The Pencil Leads was a good name but the others
disagreed because they had no one to write to."
"Well," the visitor asked, "what name did they finally agree on?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor.
"They all agreed to call themselves .....
"The Moron Tapanapple Choir."
Idle thoughts of a retired person
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or was it twice?
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible -- and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one -- for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when every thing else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The shampoo promised me extra body -- and I gained three pounds.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look
like a 20 penny nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you
a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LATEST POLLING IN TEXAS SHOWS:
43 percent of all TEXANS say that immigration is a serious problem.
The other 57 percent said, "No hablo Inglis"
Loved the Newfie one LOL
:;"
Quote from: justahumping on August 21, 2006, 11:20:53 PM
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen :))) (I have a few German freinds and they all liked this one)
:'((
Quote from: foxx on August 22, 2006, 06:13:42 PM
Quote from: justahumping on August 21, 2006, 11:20:53 PM
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen :))) (I have a few German freinds and they all liked this one)
:'((
why you crying foxx are you the H option? lol
Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS. Bob is devastated, and says... "Doc, what can I do?".
The Doc says..."Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
The Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a much better understanding of what your azz is for
A woman rubs a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got 3 wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, 3-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...What'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, please be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for 500+ years. I am good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
Woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
Genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the freaking map again"
Quote from: justahumping on August 22, 2006, 07:25:18 PM
A woman rubs a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got 3 wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, 3-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...What'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, please be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for 500+ years. I am good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
Woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
Genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the freaking map again"
haha..that was a good one justa :))
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How it is one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? (mine has one)
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does mora lity come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? (((NO)))
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Hope you enjoyed altho something tells me that I may have posted this or some of these before?
You got lotsa jokes justa!
Quote from: xx_mandy_xx on August 22, 2006, 07:02:32 PM
Quote from: foxx on August 22, 2006, 06:13:42 PM
Quote from: justahumping on August 21, 2006, 11:20:53 PM
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen :))) (I have a few German freinds and they all liked this one)
:'((
why you crying foxx are you the H option? lol
lmao...no...I'd have to hurt myself if so.
Quote from: xx_mandy_xx on August 22, 2006, 09:22:19 PM
You got lotsa jokes justa!
I have some friends that sends them to me.Some of them , *IF* I posted them on here, Homer would come and kick my azz. lol. So I have to watch some of them. and the ones aobut making fun of men,,, WELL...... sometimes I will post them and sometimes I wont. I can have to many men jokes out there for you ladies to use against me. lol
Quote from: justahumping on August 22, 2006, 11:18:36 PM
Quote from: xx_mandy_xx on August 22, 2006, 09:22:19 PM
You got lotsa jokes justa!
I have some friends that sends them to me.Some of them , *IF* I posted them on here, Homer would come and kick my azz. lol. So I have to watch some of them. and the ones aobut making fun of men,,, WELL...... sometimes I will post them and sometimes I wont. I can have to many men jokes out there for you ladies to use against me. lol
lol...ya i know what you mean
An Alabama farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door.
"Is yer dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
Well said the farmer, "is yer mama here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with mom and dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry
one. Or maybe I could take a message fer dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that dad charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard." :))
hahah :))
Two bananas are laying on the beach when a turd comes floating by and says, "Come on in, the waters great!" One banana turns to the other and says, "You believe that shit?" :ooo
:))) :))) :))) :/\ :/\ :/\
Quote from: Homer on August 23, 2006, 03:01:36 PM
Two bananas are laying on the beach when a turd comes floating by and says, "Come on in, the waters great!" One banana turns to the other and says, "You believe that smelly stuff?" :ooo
:))) :))) :))) :/\ :/\ :/\
Hee!
(and hee! at how the censor turns chit into smelly stuff!)
TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED... (for the ladies that is :))) )
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your azz in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
:))
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
HEE!
Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop;
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.
NOW, if that is what you really want..........
GET A REAL LIFE AND GET OFF POGO :))
Quote from: justahumping on August 24, 2006, 02:43:19 PM
Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop;
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.
NOW, if that is what you really want..........
GET A REAL LIFE AND GET OFF POGO :))
:)) :))
THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
getting old hu? :)))
Quote from: justahumping on August 24, 2006, 02:43:19 PM
Sometimes in life, you find a special friend;
Someone who changes your life just by being part of it.
Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop;
Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.
Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.
NOW, if that is what you really want..........
GET A REAL LIFE AND GET OFF POGO :))
:))
Quote from: justahumping on August 22, 2006, 11:18:36 PM
Quote from: xx_mandy_xx on August 22, 2006, 09:22:19 PM
You got lotsa jokes justa!
I have some friends that sends them to me.Some of them , *IF* I posted them on here, Homer would come and kick my azz. lol. So I have to watch some of them. and the ones aobut making fun of men,,, WELL...... sometimes I will post them and sometimes I wont. I can have to many men jokes out there for you ladies to use against me. lol
we would never do that cause we lvu you :-*
lol. nice. :)
A Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which
place had the toughest trees.
The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a
tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his
challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The
Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a
tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker
expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After
flying to California , the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree
with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California
woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker
was able to peck the California tree, but neither one was able to peck the
tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home. :))
There have been many, many times when I may have
disturbed you
troubled you
pestered you
irritated you
bugged you
But today I just wanna tell you ...
I PLAN TO CONTINUE !!!!!!!
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says,
"Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.
"Have you found Jesus?"
the preacher asks.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says,
"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,
"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Quote from: justahumping on August 30, 2006, 05:16:40 PM
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says,
"Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.
"Have you found Jesus?"
the preacher asks.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says,
"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,
"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
ahaha...it must be late...i had to read it 3 times to get that one...either that or the blondeness is seeping through.. :)))
i still dont get it after 5 trys i gave up
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.
The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.
The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
ewww.. sounds like some men I know
For those of us who are still gainfully employed these hints are for you! Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will not be tolerated.We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, this list of 20 New and
Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in a constructive manner.
Please keep them handy.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work some overtime. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: Bullsh__!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: I'm sorry it didn't meet your needs. INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: Like I give a sh__.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: Do you need me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
19) TRY SAYING: I think he misunderstood. INSTEAD OF: What a dumb-f____.
20) TRY SAYING: We make a great team. INSTEAD OF: What a bunch of f___ing idiots.
Thank You,Human Resources :))
i could try but its not as fun....i got a potty mouth :)))
:))
IRISH PRIEST IN TEXAS...
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
omg :))
:))) I thought that one was too funny NOT to post
good one :)) :))
Words of wisdom, By Homer :)))
When someone tells you your butt is on fire, you should take them at their word.
There is no such thing as a bad doughnut.
Kids are like monkeys, only louder.
If you want results, press the red button. The rest are useless.
You should just name your third kid Baby. Trust me -- it'll save you a lot of hassle.
You can have many different jobs and still be lazy.
I enjoy the great taste of Duff. Yes, Duff is the only beer for me. Smooth, creamy Duff . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
You can get free stuff if you mention a product in a magazine interview. Like Chips Ahoy! cookies.
You may think it's easier to de-ice your windshield with a flamethrower, but there are repercussions. Serious repercussions.
There are some things that just aren't meant to be eaten.
The intelligent man wins his battles with pointed words. I'm sorry -- I meant sticks. Pointed sticks.
There are way too many numbers. The world would be a better place if we lost half of them -- starting with 8. I've always hated 8.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard "My God! He's covered in some sort of goo," I'd be a rich man.
Be generous in the bedroom -- share your sandwich.
I've climbed the highest mountains . . . fallen down the deepest valleys . . . I've been to Japan and Africa . . . and I've even gone into space. But I'd trade it all for a piece of candy right now.
Every creature on God's earth has a right to exist. Except for that dang ruby-throated South American warbler.
I don't need a surgeon telling me how to operate on myself.
Sometimes I think there's no reason to get out of bed . . . then I feel wet, and I realize there is.
Let me just say, Winnie the Pooh getting his head caught in a honey pot? It's not funny. It can really happen.
Even though it is awesome and powerful, I don't take no guff from the ocean.
I never ate an animal I didn't like.
A fool and his money are soon parted. I would pay anyone a lot of money to explain that to me. :))
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll get a hook caught on his eyelid or something.
I made a deal with myself ten years ago . . . and got ripped off. :)))
Never leave your car keys in a reactor core.
Always trust your first instinct -- unless it tells you to use your life savings to develop a Destructo Ray.
When you borrow something from your neighbor, always do it under the cover of darkness.
If a spaceship landed and aliens took me back to their planet and made me their leader, and I got to spend the rest of my life eating doughnuts and watching alien dancing girls and ruling with a swift and merciless hand? That would be sweet.
I may not be the richest man on earth. Or the smartest. Or the handsomest.
The office is no place for off-color remarks or offensive jokes. That's why I never go there.
My favorite color is chocolate.
Always feel with your heart, although it's better with your hands.
The hardest thing I've had to face as a father was burying my own child. He climbed back out, but it still hurts.
When that guy turned water into wine, he obviously wasn't thinking of us Duff drinkers.
I love natural disasters because we're allowed to get out of work.
When I'm dead, I'm going to sleep. Oh, man, am I going to sleep.
What kind of fool would leave a pie on a windowsill, anyway?
:))
I started reading this on Sunday..is it still Sunday? :))
Those are some good ones justa..thanks for posting.
You are welcome. I asked Homer before I posted those. I sure dont need "da man ;:" " after me
:)) Those were so funny Just, thanks! Hope you post some more. ;)
I will (((((Cindy))))) as soon as I find some more. However, that one is going to be hard to beat tho :))
lmao :))
(https://i85.photobucket.com/albums/k72/florida62/smilies/djflaff2.gif) Ok I've read everyother page of jokes and thanks for the many laughs!!!!! :))
Living Wills
While I was watching the Masters this weekend, my
wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her
that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
.....Sometimes it's tough being married to a
smartass
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it,
but, here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch & a beech, are growing in the woods. A
small tree begins to grow between them & the beech says to the birch,
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell
if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the
best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Wipe that smile off your face.
;D
Computer's Gender
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer"
should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be
of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to
everyone
else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine
("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Quote from: justahumping on September 03, 2006, 07:16:14 PM
You are welcome. I asked Homer before I posted those. I sure dont need "da man ;:" " after me
:oo
:)) :)) :))
Quote from: nightperson on September 08, 2006, 08:01:53 AM
Quote from: justahumping on September 03, 2006, 07:16:14 PM
You are welcome. I asked Homer before I posted those. I sure dont need "da man ;:" " after me
:oo
oh my now he has men after him :)))
Quote from: nightperson on September 08, 2006, 12:45:03 PM
Quote from: nightperson on September 08, 2006, 08:01:53 AM
Quote from: justahumping on September 03, 2006, 07:16:14 PM
You are welcome. I asked Homer before I posted those. I sure dont need "da man ;:" " after me
:oo
oh my now he has men after him :)))
That could have been taken the wrong way hu?
good ones gator! :))
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but finally even she had enough. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
*****************************************************************
WEDDING NIGHT
Honeymoon at Home: Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind w hat you think! Eat your lunch And go back to school." ; After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think..... I gave him my airplane glue."
A teacher walks into supermarket and buys 1 bar of soap, 1toothbrush, 1tube of toothpaste, 1 loaf of bread, 1pint of milk, 1single serving of cereal, 1can of soup, and 1 16oz can of beer.
The checker says, "Single aren't you"?
Why yes, says the teacher, How did you guess?
He replies, "Because you're Ugly" :))
HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to
have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he
was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go home where its quiet so
we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if
I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go
to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded
to my caress and we made love; I still felt that he was distracted but I gave him my all. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost
sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?"
My wife asked incredulously. "YES!!" "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS.. WE'VE BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME!!
Subject: groom's three pals
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating Current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GAULD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY
Quote from: justahumping on September 08, 2006, 11:24:53 PM
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but finally even she had enough. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
*****************************************************************
WEDDING NIGHT
Honeymoon at Home: Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind w hat you think! Eat your lunch And go back to school." ; After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think..... I gave him my airplane glue."
omg that little johnnys at it again, :))
Oh Lordy, those were so funny, especially the dentist one!
(https://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b121/cmess/roflmaon.gif)
(https://img96.imageshack.us/img96/9550/loljump3xylm1.gif) (https://imageshack.us)
Thanks for the laughs first thing this morn!! Those were sooo funny , sure glad it was a carnation and not a rose!
first place i come to when first cup coffee but learn to keep coffee from laptop !@#$
I am glad that you (((((Ladies))))) liked them... And if it put a smile on your face, than that makes me happy!
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound
of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness
the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and
the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more!
Quote from: crazy_ on September 10, 2006, 05:54:51 AM
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound
of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness
the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and
the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more!
The first one our Publix has but yeah, stay away from the paper products! +++
THIS IS TOO SWEET FOR WORDS
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling
children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the
next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get
scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going
to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
Quote from: justahumping on September 09, 2006, 09:24:22 PM
I am glad that you (((((Ladies))))) liked them... And if it put a smile on your face, than that makes me happy!
aww that is so sweet :-[
:))
SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least ...
13. Thongs and Depends :)))
lol :))
Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell
asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy
looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended
her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." To which the
gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!".
:)))
:)))
Quote from: Butterfly Fairy on November 06, 2004, 10:49:24 AM
Your worst nightmare...
THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then!!! ???" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
:))
One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will.
Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.
As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.
Then came the second half... First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five-yard loss.
The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.
"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.
"I did," said the centipede.
Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five-yard loss.
Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?"
"I did," said the centipede.
Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a 10-yard loss.
Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"
The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"
:))) very good one
:))) :)))
A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
lmao...
(https://img477.imageshack.us/img477/9716/1202035052lcq3.th.jpg) (https://img477.imageshack.us/my.php?image=1202035052lcq3.jpg)
hes drunk lol
Investing for Your Retirement
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.50.
Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
Fine Jewelry
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
good one :)) :))
Two blondes with hammers, Sue and Tracey, were doing some carpentry
work
on a house. Sue, who was nailing down house siding, would reach
into her
nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder
or nail it in.
Tracey, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
throwing those nails away?"
Sue explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
them
have the head on the wrong end; and I throw them away."
Tracey got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails
aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house."
good one night :)))
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog and he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
On his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
and,
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
(you ready for this?)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
The coffin stops
oh my lordy that was a good one :)) :))
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may like this. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Cha rley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
another good 1 justa :))
Thank you (((((Night)))))
I will be posting some more latter on today... That is if I don't get side-tracked :)))
Quote from: justahumping on October 26, 2006, 03:03:45 AM
Thank you (((((Night)))))
I will be posting some more latter on today... That is if I don't get side-tracked :)))
yvw there justa, hmm side tract, i know that is not hard to do the side tract thing but man why are you calling it that for :))
Quote from: nightperson on October 26, 2006, 02:17:30 PM
Quote from: justahumping on October 26, 2006, 03:03:45 AM
Thank you (((((Night)))))
I will be posting some more latter on today... That is if I don't get side-tracked :)))
yvw there justa, hmm side tract, i know that is not hard to do the side tract thing but man why are you calling it that for :))
well now that you asked, I had company today. a guy came by very early this morning when that deer died in my back yard then this evening when Nancy came by.......... and yes, I did get side tracked lol
0819
Quote from: hds302 on October 28, 2006, 03:40:58 PM
0819
wrong place to post hds302 need to got th where it say contest O0
Quote from: justahumping on October 26, 2006, 02:24:35 PM
Quote from: nightperson on October 26, 2006, 02:17:30 PM
Quote from: justahumping on October 26, 2006, 03:03:45 AM
Thank you (((((Night)))))
I will be posting some more latter on today... That is if I don't get side-tracked :)))
yvw there justa, hmm side tract, i know that is not hard to do the side tract thing but man why are you calling it that for :))
well now that you asked, I had company today. a guy came by very early this morning when that deer died in my back yard then this evening when Nancy came by.......... and yes, I did get side tracked lol
ss on the deer, but your talking bout wrong side tract hun think :)))
What is (https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/hal2/hulk.gif) favorite flavor?
Why Boo-berry of course! (https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/hal2/ghost2.gif)
Oh brother. :)))
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Vampire
10. Once a week a Domino's guy enters, and doesn't leave
9. Claims his back never felt better since switching to Sealy Posturepedic coffin
8. Always seems sad when you wear a turtleneck
7. You see him getting stake in the crotch on Transylvania's Funniest Home Videos
6. He's lived in that house since 1783
5. Opens can of Hawaiian Punch with his teeth
4. When you bring up the 200 bucks he owes you, he turns into a bat and flies away
3. Comes home from Sam's Club with a picnic-sized container of human blood
2. Well, there's the "Vampires Do It Upside Down" bumper sticker
1. He's pale and creepy, but he ain't Michael Jackson
Quote from: Homer on November 04, 2006, 04:19:17 PM
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is A Vampire
<SNIP>
1. He's pale and creepy, but he ain't Michael Jackson
lmao love it
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat
and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks
from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was
walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat
40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway,
there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that SOB on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
Quote from: nightperson on November 10, 2006, 07:18:47 AM
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat
and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks
from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was
walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat
40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway,
there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that SOB on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
lmbo, I like that it was cute :)))
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened
to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when
the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all
day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping
at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.
REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS
Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
***DINING OUT ***
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant
may not have dogs.
***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
manners are.
***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
however, if you live alone, deodorant is just a waste of money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
***DATING (Outside the Family) ***
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as,
"ya
sure don't sweat much for a fat gal."
***WEDDINGS ***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit or a clean
bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
5. It is not appropriate ( nor a complement ) to tell the groom how
good
his wife is in the sack.
***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
:)))
In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
16. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
17. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
18. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
19. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
20. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
21. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
22. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
23. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
24. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
25. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)
Quote from: Homer on November 24, 2006, 01:40:54 PM
In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
16. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
17. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
18. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
19. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
20. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
21. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
22. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
23. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
24. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
25. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)
:)) 7, 9, 12, 17, 22 and 25 are my favorites. :))
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!! >>:D
:)) :'(( :)) laughin so hard Im cryin :oo shame on u.. I bet you wrote that yourself... that is hilarious...
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts although still silent stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
?.? :)))
:D :'(( I can hear the farts all the way here.... ur too funny... that's halirious too
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear." :o
<:> :D You have too much time on your hand tonight. Where is Tara? I better call her and tell her Homer in on the forum jokin his :o0 off.
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish...please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive...."
:)))
!@! lmao.. I guess his(bear) prayer was answered... dont see no followup... lmao again
Signs that you are too drunk.....
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar..
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.
I bet someone named Homer wakes up in the middle of the night shouting TARA TARA TARA :))) ))) :))
One day one of Diane's friends was on who want's to be a millionaire.
Regis: Okay, so you you're going for $1 000 000, and you have one life line. Here's the question:
Q: Which one of these birds does not build it's own nest?
A: Blue Jay
B: Cardinal
C: Cuckoo
D: Thrust
Contestant: I think I'm going to phone my friend Diane.
Regis: Ok we're putting Diane on the phone here
Contestant: Ok Diane, which bird does not build it's own nest, a blue jay, a cardinal, a cuckoo, or a thrust?
Diane: I'm 100% sure it's a cuckoo.
Conestant Okay, thanks Diane.
Diane: No problem.
Contestant: Ok C cuckoo, final answer.
Regis: Congratulations, you've just won $1 000 000!
After winning $1 000 000, Diane and her friend went out to celebrate. And she asked Diane how she knew it was a cuckoo.
Diane: Everyone knows that cuckoos live in clocks!
A boy's girlfriend invited him over for dinner to meet her parents. the girl wanted to have sex with him that night to celebrate. The boy went to Walgreen's to get condoms and found a really nice pharmacist who helped him out and explained to him for over an hour how to do it. He finally asked "Do you want a 3 pack, a 5 pack, or a 10 pack?" since it was his first time he thought he would do it for a while so he got a 10 pack. That night at dinner he volunteered to say grace. After 10 minutes his head was still down. finally after 20 minutes his girlfriend whisperred "I didn't know you were this religious." he responded " I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."
Quote from: Homer on November 28, 2006, 01:38:46 PM
A boy's girlfriend invited him over for dinner to meet her parents. the girl wanted to have sex with him that night to celebrate. The boy went to Walgreen's to get condoms and found a really nice pharmacist who helped him out and explained to him for over an hour how to do it. He finally asked "Do you want a 3 pack, a 5 pack, or a 10 pack?" since it was his first time he thought he would do it for a while so he got a 10 pack. That night at dinner he volunteered to say grace. After 10 minutes his head was still down. finally after 20 minutes his girlfriend whisperred "I didn't know you were this religious." he responded " I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."
:)) :))
A college class was told they had to write a short story in
as few words as possible. The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following three things:
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery
Below is the only A+ story in the entire class.
"Good God, I'm pregnant: I wonder who did it."
:))
Quote from: Monkey on December 02, 2006, 09:08:35 AM
A college class was told they had to write a short story in
as few words as possible. The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following three things:
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery
Below is the only A+ story in the entire class
"Good God, I'm pregnant: I wonder who did it."
:))
>>:D
:)) :)) :)) :))good one
Here's one I got out of a book but found it, thank God, on the Internet (Enjoy):
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.
#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."
A Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was p* ssed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my azz for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bit@hes cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those azzholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hair ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little chits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm Bill Gates!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat azz and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
Tax return
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
MURPHY'S CONVERSION.......
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and when the priest saw him, he almost fell down. Murphy had never been to Mass in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday.
I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal
McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal, what do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT T: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............................
Ways To Drive A Woman Crazy
1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally
different subject.
3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's
gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer
her with s ome meat on her bones.
5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in
Georgia when your original destination was California .
6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments.
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is
a valid murder defense in many states.)
Those were good Just! :P :)) Sure be a good way for guys to find themselves living in the doghouse for a while.. :))) :)))
love the jokes they are good... then I share them with family to get the laughing... Keep them coming :<<
Glad you two liked them. here will be the last ones for a while. I have to go and do my little hospital thing !@#$ anyways. Enjoy and Merry christmass!
A Beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here In the first place."
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.....
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread ." :))
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington , DC this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough azzes to fill the stable.
Oh my, those were so funny, especially liked the DC 1, :)) Take care ((((Just)) & see ya when you get back.
lol had to shorten the hug, kept getting a santa in place of the symbol :)))
Just can't take some people any where nice!!!!
Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.
He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice. It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool.. They're years outta style.
Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos-about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them.
I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!
The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning way, laughing, looking sick!
Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Dang it, Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"
<:> :)))
oopz... typed that twice
Texas Chili cook-off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas,
you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about
the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure wha t
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from
all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, swe at is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
wo rried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my rearend with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report Merry CHRISTmas
How do you say Merry Christmas to Britney, Paris & Nicole?
Ho, Ho, Ho!!! <...> :))) :<<
A Boys' Christmas Prayer
Two little boys were staying with their grandparents. While kneeling to say their bedtime prayers the smallest boy began yelling his prayer at the top of his lungs:
"DEAR GOD, FOR CHRISTMAS I WOULD LIKE A PLAYSTATION, A MOTOR BIKE, SCOOTER, NEW VIDEO GAMES..."
His brother asked him, "Why are you yelling? God can hear you; He is not deaf."
The younger brother replied, "I know God is not deaf, but grandma is..."
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the creche when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.
So, he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."
"And, why did you take Him?", the pastor asked.
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."
Quote from: Homer Claus on December 24, 2006, 09:37:37 AM
How do you say Merry Christmas to Britney, Paris & Nicole?
Ho, Ho, Ho!!! <...> :))) :<<
:)) :)) :))
Very Cute :)))
Good ones there Homer
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart. ?.?
ROTFLMAO :)) :)) :))
:)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))) :))) :)))yall crack me up good one homer
Oh My God :))
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yep," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him,
"What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
Quote from: CindyLouWho on February 07, 2007, 10:20:25 PM
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
You know that is so sad but true. I worked with this lady and her son was 5, he was still breastfeeding. OMG! Can you imagine what this kid will think when he is 20. GAWD! Can you say serious therapy? :)) :)) :))
Quote from: CindyLouWho on February 07, 2007, 10:23:05 PM
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yep," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him,
"What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
lmao! too funny! :)) :)) :)) :))
Quote from: CindyLouWho on February 07, 2007, 10:20:25 PM
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)
:))
:)) :)) :)) :))) thats funny
Quote from: david/ross on December 21, 2006, 03:07:35 PM
Texas Chili cook-off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas,
you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about
the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure wha t
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from
all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, swe at is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
wo rried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my rearend with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report Merry CHRISTmas
DO not read this when you are sick throwing up coughing and runny nose my god I laughed so hard i was crying i threw up coughed so hard my throught is bleeding (im okay though) and i peed my pants after the squishy that melted ou the other end! so funny
Butch that would totally suck. I recommend that you dont read pogocheats.net anymore when ur sick. lmfao. I am roooooooollllllllllliiiiiiiiiinnnnngggggggggg! :)) :)) :)) :))
ya good idea i just puked on myself i must shower now. uggghh i feel like crap flushed,plunged and flushed again. im goin to bed after that shower. with a garbage can :-X :-[
I edited a few words to make it PG 8)
_______________________________________________
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete :o0 of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an :o0 hole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
:)) :)) :)) :))
Quote from: Monkey on March 04, 2007, 05:45:20 PM
I edited a few words to make it PG 8)
_______________________________________________
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete :o0 of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an :o0 hole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Thats funny :)) :))
or the super atomic poopie-where you poop and it hurts so bad and then it burns but it is like a splatery type boo-boo and if your at a public bathroom every hears you and says you nasty little thing!!! LOL :D :xx :xx :xx :xx :xx
:)) :)) :)) :)))
Quote from: CuteGirl on March 20, 2007, 04:56:26 PM
or the super atomic poopie-where you poop and it hurts so bad and then it burns but it is like a splatery type boo-boo and if your at a public bathroom every hears you and says you nasty little thing!!! LOL :D :xx :xx :xx :xx :xx
Ummmm.....wtf? ::)
Quote from: Ms.Behavin on March 20, 2007, 05:52:03 PM
Quote from: CuteGirl on March 20, 2007, 04:56:26 PM
or the super atomic poopie-where you poop and it hurts so bad and then it burns but it is like a splatery type boo-boo and if your at a public bathroom every hears you and says you nasty little thing!!! LOL :D :xx :xx :xx :xx :xx
Ummmm.....wtf? ::)
:)) :))
Quattro
========
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs agent stops them and tells them:
"Itsa illegal to putta fiva people inna Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen
retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is
designed to carry five people."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs
agent. "Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car
and you are therefore breakin'a the law".
The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor
over - we want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "He can'ta come.
He'sa busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."
:<< :ooo
:)) :)) :)))
:)) :)) :)) :)) :))) :))) :)))
Quote from: Jinx55 on March 21, 2007, 12:57:23 AM
Quattro
========
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs agent stops them and tells them:
"Itsa illegal to putta fiva people inna Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen
retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is
designed to carry five people."
"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs
agent. "Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car
and you are therefore breakin'a the law".
The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor
over - we want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "He can'ta come.
He'sa busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."
:<< :ooo
:))) :))) :)))
lol
Quote from: CuteGirl on March 20, 2007, 04:56:26 PM
or the super atomic poopie-where you poop and it hurts so bad and then it burns but it is like a splatery type boo-boo and if your at a public bathroom every hears you and says you nasty little thing!!! LOL :D :xx :xx :xx :xx :xx
WTH? Come on ice cream?
DONT panic... . :=
HAVE FUN!!! :-[ :))
Go TO my ultimate joke site.. and have a BLAST!!!!!!!!! :!!
http://wocka.com/view.php?user=cubsfan1
DONT WAIT!!!!!!!!!! :///
Quote from: CuteGirl on March 20, 2007, 04:56:26 PM
or the super atomic poopie-where you poop and it hurts so bad and then it burns but it is like a splatery type boo-boo and if your at a public bathroom every hears you and says you nasty little thing!!! LOL :D :xx :xx :xx :xx :xx
Best joke in this whole topic (https://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i59/BadgeMonkey/Smilies/thumb.gif)(https://i69.photobucket.com/albums/i59/BadgeMonkey/Smilies/rolls.gif)
A blond calls her fiancé and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Delighted that his bride-to-be has taken up such a mind-bending hobby, he rushes over. Upon arrival he asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blond says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger ." She hands him the box and sits down to the scattered puzzle pieces on the table. Her fiancée looks at the box and sits down, bewildered, next to the blond. "Honey," he says, "I don't think we'll ever make this puzzle look like a tiger. Why don't we just have a nice cup of coffee......and put these frosted flakes back in the box?"
No offense all you blonds just in good fun. :!# :)))
:)) :))
:)) :)) sounds like my sister in law :))
LMAO! Too funny!
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor,that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...................
"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Oh, Drat!" says the little old lady..."I'd better go back and see if I can still find them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper; and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, 'Okay, buddy, $20 or off it comes!'"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Well, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the little old lady, "Some of them don't believe me."
(https://img19.imageshack.us/img19/2466/yayvk7.gif)
:)))
I wanna hire him :)) :)) :))
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their 8 year old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the
balcony with a Popsicle and
tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities. He began his
commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot",
he shouted.
A few moments passed... "An ambulance just drove
by"
A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson 's
have company", he called
out.
"Matt's riding a new bike...." A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are
moving"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad
cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a
Popsicle too."
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local
Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next
collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the
results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry
was
delivered, it contained a note from him:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
USE MORE PAPER ON :o0"
Laying in bed one night a wife was surprised to feel her husband's hand on
>her back. As his hand moved up and down, touching every inch of her bare
>skin, she wondered, "What's got into him?"
>
> The massage continued to her shoulders and she began to melt, thinking,
>"My that feels so good!"
>
> She was delighted when he moved to her legs, being careful to find his
>way repeatedly up and down each more than once.
>
> When his hand pulled away she waited patiently for his next move. Then
>she said in her sexiest voice, "Why did you stop?"
>
> Without hesitation he replied, "Oh, I found the remote."
>
> The proctologist was able to safely remove the two AA batteries during
>outpatient surgery
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen
to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while
they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very
first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his
way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his
employer, had an affair with his boss ' s wife; taken illegal drugs, and
gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not
all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and
loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the senator arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk. "I ' ll never forget the first day our parish priest
arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the
first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!
:)) :)) :)) :)) funny stuff thanks for posting them :##
omg, tff :)) :)) :)) :))
Omg thats so funny :)) :)) :))
Did you hear about the new Blonde paint?
Its not too bright,its cheap and it spreads easily. :)) :)) :))
Now was that nice on a Sunday? :)) :)) :)) :))
I couldn't help myself. :)))
Quote from: Homer on June 03, 2007, 08:34:45 AM
Did you hear about the new Blonde paint?
Its not too bright,its cheap and it spreads easily. :)) :)) :))
:)) :)) :))) good one boss
This is joke enough ..... lmao :)) :)) :)) :)) :)) :))
(https://img128.imageshack.us/img128/6576/paris2np8.png) (https://imageshack.us)
Why did Tara put a canary in the blender?
She wanted some shredded tweet. :)) :)) :))
A woman rubbed a lamp, and out popped a genie.
"Do I get three wishes?" the woman asked. "Nope, I'm a one-wish genie. What will it be?"
"See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace."
"They've been at war thousands of years. I'm not that good" he said. "What else do you have?"
"Well, I'd love a good man. One who's considerate, loves kids, likes to cook and doesn't watch sports all day."
"Let me see that map again", sighed the genie.
Quote from: Mayhem on June 10, 2007, 12:16:17 PM
A woman rubbed a lamp, and out popped a genie.
"Do I get three wishes?" the woman asked. "Nope, I'm a one-wish genie. What will it be?"
"See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace."
"They've been at war thousands of years. I'm not that good" he said. "What else do you have?"
"Well, I'd love a good man. One who's considerate, loves kids, likes to cook and doesn't watch sports all day."
"Let me see that map again", sighed the genie.
Too funny :))
My first quote and it worked. Yeeha!! O0
Quote from: Mayhem on June 10, 2007, 12:16:17 PM
A woman rubbed a lamp, and out popped a genie.
"Do I get three wishes?" the woman asked. "Nope, I'm a one-wish genie. What will it be?"
"See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace."
"They've been at war thousands of years. I'm not that good" he said. "What else do you have?"
"Well, I'd love a good man. One who's considerate, loves kids, likes to cook and doesn't watch sports all day."
"Let me see that map again", sighed the genie.
:)))
Quote from: Homer on June 10, 2007, 07:32:24 AM
Why did Tara put a canary in the blender?
She wanted some shredded tweet. :)) :)) :))
:ooo :)))
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols." :)) :)) :))
I don't get it :-\
Just kidding I get it carolers.gif
Quote from: Homer Claus on December 15, 2007, 08:39:19 AM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols." :)) :)) :))
:o :)) :)) :)) good one boss civilwar.gif
Quote from: Homer Claus on December 24, 2006, 09:37:37 AM
How do you say Merry Christmas to Britney, Paris & Nicole?
Ho, Ho, Ho!!! <...> :))) :<<
:)))
Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!
What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santa on his birthday?
"Freeze a jolly good fellow!"
What does Santa put on his toast?
"Jingle Jam"
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up??
Santa! The other two don't exist!
What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him!
What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!
What do the elves call it when Père Noël claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!
Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
Sandy Claws!
Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
Santa Jaws!
Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus!
What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
Crisp Kringle!
Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?
So he can hide at the North Pole!
What do you call Santa when he has no money?
Saint "Nickel"-less!
What smells most in a chimney?
Santa's nose!
What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
A jolly roll!
What do you call someone who doesn't believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!
What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?
Kris Kringle burps!
What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
Rapping paper!
What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-"toast"!
Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?
Because the presents won't take themselves!
What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!
How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?
Because he's always in the pole position!
What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
Tyranno-santa Rex!
What's red & white and red & white and red & white?
Santa rolling down a hill!
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
Looks like "rain", "Dear"!
What's red and green and flies?
An airsick Santa Claus!
How does Père Noël take pictures?
With his North "Pole"-aroid!
Why does Santa's sleigh get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side!
What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A "Holly" Davidson!
Where does Father Christmas go to vote?
The North Poll!
What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!
What do you call Saint Nick after he has come down the chimney?
Cinder Claus!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish!
Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
Because he is an elf-made man!
What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backwards!
How many chimneys does Saint Nick go down?
Stacks!
What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobic!
What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?
Santa Clues!
Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
Why, Santa Paws of course!
OMG Those are funny....Do you need some rapping paper for your Pole- aroid and will you see Harley on her Holly Davidson? :)))
deer1.gif Wishing all you cheaters a very MaryChristmas,,, dance11.gif xmas6.gif
santamail.gif, may the Pogo Santa leave all your Cheat treats under your Tree, Xmas Tree
winter23.gif, Homer,, hehehe, that some good ones,, :;' ;:: winter31.gif
'Twas the day after Christmas
Twas the day after Christmas,
When all through the place
There were arguments and depression-
Even Mom had a long face.
The stockings hung empty,
And the house was a mess;
The new clothes didn't fit...
And dad was under stress.
The family was irritable,
And the children-no one could please;
Because the instructions for the swing set
Were in Chinese!
The bells no longer jingled,
And no carolers came around;
The sink was stacked with dishes,
And the tree was turning brown.(except for Ginas tree, because she ordered it from my moms amway business).
The stores were full of people
Returning things that fizzled and failed,
And the shoppers were discouraged
Because everything they'd bought was now on half-price sale!
Twas the day AFTER Christmas-
The spirit of joy had disappeared;
The hope on the horizon
Was twelve bowl games the first day of the New Year! civilwar.gif :## civilwar.gif :)) :))
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. :)) :)) :)) canadian1.gif
She gave you TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, and only 11 PiPeRS...hmmmmmmm jester.gif
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals.
King Kong, an Ape, an Orangutan and a Monkey pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
Think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Orangutan = you're dull &normal
Ape = you're nuts
Monkey = worse, you're weird
King Kong = you're hopelessly crazy
Why?????
A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas!
Obviously you're stressed and overworked. Take some time off and relax !
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tRWRSfcDuQ&feature=related
what does the closed sign say on the brothel door?
"closed for the night----beat it"
Gas Prices - Whew
I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt!!!
Quote from: magzy on March 29, 2008, 10:05:39 AM
Gas Prices - Whew
I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt!!!
:)) :))
Upon entering the monastery, the Priest says, 'Sister Mary Katherine, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.'
Sister Mary Katherine lives in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest says to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'
Sister Mary Katherine says, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest says, 'We'll get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine is summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'
'Cold food,' says Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assures her that the food will improve in the future..
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again calls Sister Mary Katherine to his office. 'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' says Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably best,' says the Priest, 'You've done nothing but complain since you got here
:)) that was very funny
:)) :))
5-Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull S**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who s**ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in d**p shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
Confucius says: Crowded elevator smell different to midget Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk
Handle every stressful situation like a dog....Piss on it and walk away.
Quote from: Homer on February 25, 2008, 03:01:22 PM
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals.
King Kong, an Ape, an Orangutan and a Monkey pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
Think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Orangutan = you're dull &normal
Ape = you're nuts
Monkey = worse, you're weird
King Kong = you're hopelessly crazy
Why?????
A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas!
Obviously you're stressed and overworked. Take some time off and relax !
I'm weird. :)))
Quote from: fwankwinsmom on May 22, 2008, 05:13:00 PM
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Lesson 5
Moral of the story:
Bull S**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
:)) :))
If girls with big boob work at Hooters. Where do girls with only one leg work?
IHOP
:))
Does anyone know how long this section has been here? :-[
Quote from: Tara on July 04, 2008, 10:34:48 AM
Does anyone know how long this section has been here? :-[
70848176 seconds.
:o
(https://img241.imageshack.us/img241/1171/halloweenzl4.jpg) (https://imageshack.us)
(https://img241.imageshack.us/img241/halloweenzl4.jpg/1/w320.png) (http://g.imageshack.us/img241/halloweenzl4.jpg/1/)
Quote from: samtheman on September 05, 2004, 12:18:21 PM
A husband and wife decided they needed to use code to
indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their
children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go
tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mother what her dad said and her mom
responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter
right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy
that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and
announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter,
he already wrote the letter by hand."
:)) loved dat :))
Quote from: Cheater4Life on June 18, 2008, 04:42:57 AM
If girls with big boob work at Hooters. Where do girls with only one leg work?
IHOP
:))
Quote from: Mayhem on June 10, 2007, 12:16:17 PM
A woman rubbed a lamp, and out popped a genie.
"Do I get three wishes?" the woman asked. "Nope, I'm a one-wish genie. What will it be?"
"See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting so we can have world peace."
"They've been at war thousands of years. I'm not that good" he said. "What else do you have?"
"Well, I'd love a good man. One who's considerate, loves kids, likes to cook and doesn't watch sports all day."
"Let me see that map again", sighed the genie.
:)) omggg good one
Quote from: Monkey on March 04, 2007, 05:45:20 PM
I edited a few words to make it PG 8)
_______________________________________________
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete :o0 of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an :o0 hole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
:)) :D :))) :)) toooo funny
thanks guys - great gags
good luck with the voting :/\
those poo ones are funny.. and i guarantee many of us have had 75% of em haha :xx
Little Known Christmas Fact
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Quote from: Homer Claus on December 11, 2008, 02:32:49 PM
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
:))) :)))
That's cute!
Xmas Tree A Senior Christmas Poem
'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker in hope,
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snow suits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
Before long you'll be with us. We wish you the best.
carolers.gif
<:> love reading these
There was this couple having sex one night out in their backyard. The man said, " I sure wish I had a flashlight " The woman said, " I wish you did too. You have been eating grass the last 10 minutes " ::)
Why does Santa go to the strip club?
Because he likes the ho ho ho's (https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://smilies.sofrayt.com/%5E/hol/xmas5.gif)
One day a blonde came to town with her dog and tied it under the shade of a big old Tree.
She headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,
"Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The blonde said it was hers.
Your dog seems to be in 'heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool because she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry because I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman Said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I've always wanted a police dog.'
Quote from: jarjar on March 11, 2009, 06:29:21 AM
One day a blonde came to town with her dog and tied it under the shade of a big old Tree.
She headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,
"Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The blonde said it was hers.
Your dog seems to be in 'heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool because she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry because I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman Said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I've always wanted a police dog.'
hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif
Quote from: jarjar on March 11, 2009, 06:29:21 AM
One day a blonde came to town with her dog and tied it under the shade of a big old Tree.
She headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,
"Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The blonde said it was hers.
Your dog seems to be in 'heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool because she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry because I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman Said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I've always wanted a police dog.'
police.gif dog46.gif
You gotta love women over fifty!
A Woman in her late fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy but I have the breasts of an 18 year old."
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
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hysterical.gif nono.gif
giggle2.gif
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(This one is too funny to not forward.)
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you.
Tray-up, B-tch
hysterical.gif
Ya gotta love 'tude.
Quote from: BabyCheetah on March 25, 2009, 04:52:06 PM
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(This one is too funny to not forward.)
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you.
Tray-up, B-tch
hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif
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Cards Hallmark wont publish
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,......... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married............ but not to you."
"You look great for your age.......Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me......... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time........... What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you.................. It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy............... Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--------- So we're having you put to sleep."
hysterical.gif hysterical.gif I wish they did
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A husband sits for 4 hours looking at his marriage certificate...His wife asks "What are you doing?" he says "I'm looking for the F'ing expiration date.
hysterical.gif hysterical.gif
Quote from: BabyCheetah on May 07, 2009, 05:41:53 PM
A husband sits for 4 hours looking at his marriage certificate...His wife asks "What are you doing?" he says "I'm looking for the F'ing expiration date.
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Why did the blonde not drive a kia?
cause she has a phone that says "nokia"
lol hysterical.gif
My fav blonde joke for obvious reasons:
Why didn't the blonde go to Disneyland?
She saw the freeway sign stating "DISNEYLAND LEFT" so she went home.
Quote from: disneyland lady on June 27, 2009, 06:28:44 AM
My fav blonde joke for obvious reasons:
Why didn't the blonde go to Disneyland?
She saw the freeway sign stating "DISNEYLAND LEFT" so she went home.
I hope you learned your lesson. tongue.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif
Quote from: Homer on June 27, 2009, 08:52:31 AM
I hope you learned your lesson. tongue.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif
And sometimes, we just walk into the jokes hysterical.gif
Funny State Slogans
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared
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Thanks Homer, needed the laugh! hysterical.gif
Priceless! hysterical.gif hysterical.gif
giggle2.gif giggle2.gif giggle2.gif
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
hysterical.gif hysterical.gif giggle2.gif Homer thats a good one hysterical.gif
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Very funny Homer & BabyCheetah, i think yours was hilarious. good 1 hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif giggle2.gif
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
elf2.gif
Quote from: Homer on November 07, 2009, 03:08:36 PM
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iBoob will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
elf2.gif
Hey, I listen to breasts all the time. They do not say much, but I am listening. tumbsup.gif
Quote from: Homer Claus on November 07, 2009, 03:08:36 PM
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
elf2.gif
(https://i486.photobucket.com/albums/rr223/hglamorous12/3d65b5e3e00d6953b2de0aed9e3a0206-1.jpg)
I can tell Homer will be getting a set with his Corporate Card hysterical.gif
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to "God" with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
hysterical.gif hysterical.gif good one boss hysterical.gif
I am waiting for GotMail to reply. hysterical.gif
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I'll have to show my gf who works at the post office this home. Thanks for sharing Homer!
elf2.gif hehehehe
very cute joke
Nice Homer. [: hysterical.gif
hysterical.gif very good Homer and baby Chetta me and wife rofl hysterical.gif hysterical.gifao
God wanted to create the world in 10 days...Chuck Norris gave him 6
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?
You don't cry when you cut up a hooker
Quote from: TheJayMan on July 25, 2010, 10:52:34 PM
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?
You don't cry when you cut up a hooker
rolleyes.gif
TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ
10. Husseinfeld
9. Mad About Everything
8. Allah McBeal
7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror
6. Achmed's Creek
5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
1. Suddenly Sanctions
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. girls18.gif
He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." shocked.gif
Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first.
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!""Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
no-no.gif
Saw that Michael Jackson joke ..... on 1st or 2nd page this is for whomever did it. slap1.gif LMMAO Now
Two Amish women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first Amish woman had 2 potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, "these potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles", and the other woman said "are his testicles that big?" , no she commented, "they're that dirty".
indian.gif Hau
10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren't...
1. So...What'd you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling....
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it! pumpkin1.gif
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beer****."
girl5.gif
Alcoholic
Lindsay Lohan finally gets out of rehab and goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?" popcorn2.gif
(https://img100.imageshack.us/img100/4295/funnythanksgivingturkey.jpg) (https://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/100/funnythanksgivingturkey.jpg/)
whistle.gif
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon... giggle2.gif
A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
In the morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!"
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied:
"Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly....it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
(https://i41.tinypic.com/ru2rmo.jpg)
Ok...
So there was this girl who had a weird password, and the manager saw the password, and it was:
MickeyMinniePlutoGoofyDaffyHueyDueyLueySacramento
So he went to the the girl and asked, "why do you have such a long password?"
The girl rolled her eyes and said, "Hello.... Your supposted to have 8 characters and 1 capital.
(https://i45.tinypic.com/2vmbsrc.jpg)
(https://i45.tinypic.com/2cse34y.jpg)
So true! hysterical.gif hysterical.gif
So true, I think. LOL shocked.gif
ROFLMAO!! That would be me. hysterical.gif
cheesy.gif YA'll are too funny!
(https://i.imgur.com/XRfHxjJ.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/LH6xIrT.png)
I stole that pic!
(https://i.imgur.com/f240LqO.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/9qORTH7.jpg)
I still have disks like that. Anyone know how I can recycle them?
Quote from: ~Squid~ on July 10, 2016, 08:20:42 AM
I still have disks like that. Anyone know how I can recycle them?
Wondered the same thing myself .. got a 1/2 ton of em here .... must be good for something.. anyone know?
Quote from: ~Squid~ on July 10, 2016, 08:20:42 AM
I still have disks like that. Anyone know how I can recycle them?
Have you tried contacting your local thrift store? Ours around here has an electronic recycling department that takes care of stuff like this.
tumbsup.gif
Good thinking Mayhem! Sounds like a plan for those who might have one in their near vicinity... but pretty much non-existent here on this island. Maybe at a bottles exchange. I know they take old computers/parts, etc.? Not sure about where you live - but here we have to sort everything and take stuff we no longer want to exchange stations. Just not sure about the disks though ... will ask and let you know what I find out. Maybe help someone else along the way..?
Quote from: Mayhem on July 22, 2016, 06:08:22 PM
Have you tried contacting your local thrift store? Ours around here has an electronic recycling department that takes care of stuff like this.
I'll give them a call. We have several thrift shops around...
Thanks!
(https://i.imgur.com/7ZCXhsR.png)
(https://i.imgur.com/qRHKFEi.png)
(https://i.imgur.com/EXYctdN.png)
(https://www.pogocheats.net/proxy/?http://media6000.dropshots.com/photos/1251382/20170124/030920.jpg)
These are pretty funny. I liked them all. tumbsup.gif giggle2.gif
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
they are so funny & I liked them all. what a day to get a laugh. lol