Homer's Laugh House

[Homer]

Dear Steve,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Judi xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

[CaliPogoBabe]

thanks for sharing these!!!

[Homer]

Your welcome.

[Babhog]

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to
save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at
each other's throats for some time and felt that this was
their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What
seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his
long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the
wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the
wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor
went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed
her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the
wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who
stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband,
"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her
here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[Homer]

Funny Business Names

Window Store: A Pane in the Glass

Restaurant: Hard Wok Cafe

Tanning Salon: Beauty & the Beach

Plumber: Drain Surgeons

Pet Shop: Frisky Business

Bistro: Quiche and Tell

Discount Airline: Fly By Night

Barber: Hair Force One

Bakery: Our Daily Bread

Party Rentals: An Affair to Remember

[Homer]

Choosing a Pet

A man wanted a pet for his daughter. She had been getting good grades
at school, and was helping out around the house without protest. He
went to the local pet shop to see what they had.

He looked at a baby rabbit, a baby chick and a baby duck. They were
all very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick.

Do you know why?

It was a little cheeper!  :o

[Babhog]

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally  beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So...  he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say  Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town  to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't  accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee,  He was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from  the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are  you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then! Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,  dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD  HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him  do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

[Homer]

Triple Play

A police detective interviewed a bank teller after the same bandit had
robbed a bank three times successively.

"Did you notice anything special about the man? I mean, did he ever
change his appearance?" asked the detective.

"Yes," replied the teller.

"He was better dressed each time."  :o

[Homer]

Brain Food

A customer at the local grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit
and intelligence.

"Tell me," he asked the owner, "what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," the grocer replied,
lowering his voice so the other shoppers wouldn't hear. "But since
you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. It's fish
heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asked.

"Only $4 apiece," replied the proprietor.

The customer bought three. A week later, he returned to the store
complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he wasn't any
smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," said the grocer. The customer grumbled and
went home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he came back. This
time he was really angry.

"Hey, man!" he shouted. "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece
when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" said the grocer. "You're getting smarter already!" :o

[Homer]

Valentine's Present

A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced
enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a
diamond necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"

With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight." That
evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to his
wife.

With great anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to
find...

...a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams". :o

[Homer]

The Waiting Game

An man was waiting in the station for the bus to Pasadena. He spotted
a machine with a sign that read: "YOUR HEIGHT, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR
FORTUNE $1.00"

He stepped on the scale and dropped a dollar bill in the slot. Out
came a card that said: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall. You weigh 160
pounds, and you are waiting for the bus to Pasadena."

The man thought, "How did that machine know that? Well, I'll fool it."
He went downstairs to the men's room, rolled up his coat collar,
pulled down the brim of his hat, and put on a fake beard.

He tiptoed back up the stairs, sneaked along the wall, spun around and
jumped on the scale and quickly placed another dollar in the slot.

Out came a card that read: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall, you weigh
160 pounds, and while you were fooling around down in the men's room,
you missed the bus to Pasadena." :o

[Babhog]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with

a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.

" I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call

the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!!?"

[Homer]

Strange Pet Hot Line Questions

"My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering. . . how
many calories are in a mouse?"

"I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed
him?"

"Does your dog food help with emancipation?"

"What should I feed a borderline collie?"

"What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?"

"Is it normal for a dog to shed?"

"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?"

"My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the
vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?"

"How can I get the secret recipe for your dog food?"

"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?"

"Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?"

"Do you know how to toilet train a cat?"

"Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?"

"Where can I get a six-toed cat?"

[Babhog]

FUNNY INFLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENTS


All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture" and aouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.  We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all  your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am.  What is it?"
The little old lady asked, "Did we just land, or were we shot down?"

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew
have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

[RocknRollGirl]

Texas Cowgirl

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A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders

three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of

each one in turn.

When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more..

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat

after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin.

When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the

days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

She! orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice

and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the

bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on

your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes

and she laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist

Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't effected my sisters though."

[Homer]

A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to
trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply. :o

[Homer]

An elderly man is walking down the street one day when he notices a
very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the
street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high
for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for a moment, the man crosses the
street, walks up behind the little fellow, leans over and gives the
doorbell a solid ring.

"Ding Dong"

Crouching down to the child's level, the old man smiles and asks, "And
now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"  :o

[Babhog]

TWO OLD GUYS


Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does
she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does
your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

[Homer]

Ants

Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!

What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!

What do you get if you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics!

What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!

Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!

What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!

What medicine would you give a sick ant?
Antibiotics!

What do you call an ant from overseas?
Important!

[Babhog]

NAIR


My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the

problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady

if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair

remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use

deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."


The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."


The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my Schnauzer."


The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week