Homer's Laugh House

[crazy_]

Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell
asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy
looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended
her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." To which the
gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!".

[nightperson]

 :)))

[xx_mandy_xx]

 :)))

[jade2002]

Your worst nightmare...





THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND


After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then!!! ???" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

:))

[crazy_]

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will.
Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.
As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.
Then came the second half... First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five-yard loss.
The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.
"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.
"I did," said the centipede.
Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five-yard loss.
Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?"
"I did," said the centipede.
Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a 10-yard loss.
Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"
The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"

[nightperson]

 :))) very good one

[xx_mandy_xx]

 :))) :)))

[Monkey]

A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

[Monkey]

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.

So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.

Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.

The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.

She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

[crazy_]

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"


DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[xx_mandy_xx]

lmao...

[lovebug44]

[lovebug44]

hes drunk lol

[CindyLouWho]

Investing for Your Retirement

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.50.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

[CindyLouWho]

Fine Jewelry

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

[nightperson]

good one  :)) :))

[nightperson]

Two blondes with hammers, Sue and Tracey, were doing some carpentry

work
on  a house. Sue, who was nailing down house siding, would reach
into  her
nail  pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder
or nail it in.
Tracey, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
throwing  those nails away?"
Sue explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
them
have  the head on the wrong end; and I throw them away."
Tracey got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails
aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house."

[Luna]

good one night  :)))

[justahumping]

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog and he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...

On his heels, the terrified man runs.  Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.  With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.

clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
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(you ready for this?)
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The coffin stops

[nightperson]

oh my lordy that was a good one :)) :))