Homer's Laugh House

[Babhog]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees.  The pond was properly shaped
and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over.  He grabbed a five > gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond.  He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked".
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[Babhog]

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[Babhog]

20 Years Ago


A woman awakes during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She
puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why
are you down here at this time of night."
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when
we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do she replies." The husband paused. The words were not coming  easily,
" Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husbanc continued "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said "Either you marry my daughter or I'll send you to jail for 20 Years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today"

[Babhog]

Someone out there either has far too much spare time, or is deadly
at
Scrabble.
George Bush:
When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

Dormitory:
When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist:
When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation:
When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code:
When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines:
When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost In em

Animosity:
When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law:
When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms:
When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point:
When you rearrange the letters: I'm A Dot In Place

The Earthquakes:
When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two:
When you rearrange the letters: Twelve Plus One

And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
It can be rearranged (With no letters left over,
and using each letter only once into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[fuzzyferrets]

yes thats funny i've seen it before with pics of the candy bars

[fuzzyferrets]

yes thats funny i've seen it before with pics of the candy bars

[Babhog]

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about birth pain. How much will child birth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"ike ish?"
"No. A little more..."
"hike ish oowww?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"Ummmha yahhh ooww."
"Now stretch your lip over your head!"

[Babhog]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than
the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably,
the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

[Babhog]

GOLF JOKES

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit
his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening
between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3
wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back,
hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and
asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

To which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom
was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all
day, is it?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An 80 yr. old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined
the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play,
but was told there wasn't anybody he could play because they were
already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really
wanted to play.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how
many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said "I really don't
need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real
problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even.
The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for
a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a
sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball
which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and
all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still
standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you
have a problem getting out of sand traps?".

"I do," replied the old man. "Please give me a hand.."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary
for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs
her that there is a charge of .50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects,
and then says well, then, let it read "Bob Smith died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven
word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, in that case, let it read:
"Bob Smith died. Golf clubs for sale."

[LustyPirateWench]

Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!
Bob sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is
on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bob asks,
"son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that blac! k eye when you
ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady,
I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

[LustyPirateWench]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

[Babhog]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Babhog]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer
causin' people to git cancer?"

Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer"

"Sure is, Bubba"

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

Yep.

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated And still couldn't read?

That's right,said the lawyer. But why are you asking?

Well, I was thinkin' . .  What I want to know is,  kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with ??

[Babhog]

JAMES BOND

A confident James Bond walks into an American bar and takes a seat next

to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually

looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks: "Is

your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch... I

was just testing it".

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?

What's so special about it??"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties"...

The woman giggles and replies: "It must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

[Babhog]

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.  While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.  The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch  her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited  money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin  cruiser. He
paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club  membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[Babhog]

DINNER CONVERSATION

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you live with her in our house?
MAN: Well, probably, it is paid for.
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - -
MAN: Oh, shit.

[Homer]

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts."  :P

[Babhog]

Subject  Darwin candidates?

1. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during  a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to  find a woman had taken the space.Understandably, he shot her.

2. After stopping for a drink at a bar, a  Zimbabwean bus driver found that  the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to  Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a  nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there  a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients  were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. Yep! I like that one.

3. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before  he was hit. What do they teach in  school?

4. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and  asked him to give her  an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's  swollen abdomen.  It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your  daughter is pregnant."  The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor  that her daughter  was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation  by having sex with  a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed,  "Quit looking out the window!  Aren't you paying attention to me?"  "Yes, of course I am paying  attention ma'am. It's  just that the last time  this happened, a star appeared in the  East, and three wise  men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.

5. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, the would be> robber did something that  can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.  Again I wonder about those  schools.

6. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance  company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent  out one of its men to have a Look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a  finger. The chef's  claim was approved.

Bonus extra ...... A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches  from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in  the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared  the daylights out  of me."
The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized  and said he didn't
realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so  much, to which  the
driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at  all. Today is my
first day  driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"

[Homer]

Judi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter.
Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."

The librarian looks at her for a moment. Then whispers to Judi, "Ma'am, this is the library."

Judi nods. Then she *whispers*, "I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke."  :P :o

[Homer]

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"
A member of the flock snicked at the preacher's snafu, raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."

The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"

The member of the flock said, "I sure could."

"How would you do it?"

"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"  :P