Homer's Laugh House

[Tara]

 :)) :)) :))  Those are ALL good  O0

[Gecko]

Tuesday March 28, 2006
Bosses at a Stockholm hospital have asked a nurse called Jesus to change his name after concerns that patients told "Jesus will be coming soon" might get confused and think they were already dead. Jesus will now use his middle name Manuel.  :o



Wednesday March 29, 2006
Belgian artist Jan Fabre's latest exhibition in Ghent is made out of steak, mince and bacon. Temples of Meat, featuring a coat made of steaks and a tent of bacon with sleeping bags of steak, will only be on display for three days - until it goes off, reports De Morgen.



tara  pls take note of this one  :-X  Saturday April 1, 2006
Scotsman Robert Wood, a former chef who cooks meals in his sleep, is getting medical help amid fears he could burn down his house. Wood, 55, gets up four or five times a week while asleep and heads to the kitchen, where he has previously made omelets, stir fries and chips.

Friday March 31, 2006
English farmer Tony Baskett saved the life of his cow, Lottie, by treating her with beer. Lottie, dying from a stomach problem, was fed yeasty beer dregs from the local pub on vet's advice. She made a full recovery and has since given birth to a calf, named Adnams after the grog

Thursday March 30, 2006
It's one of Australia's icons, 340 metres tall and hard to miss, even at night. But despite being 100 metres from Uluru, a NSW tourist stopped a car to seek directions to it on Tuesday. It was a police car. The tourist was over the limit, unlicensed - and busted


happy easter  every one  e5.gif>

[SexySagittarian]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
 

[Tara]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
 

:)) :)) :)) good one

[Mary]

  :))  :))  :))  good one to funny  :))  :))  :))

[Mary]

why does the easter bunny hide its eggs??? does`nt want any one to know there foolin around with the chickens  :))  :))  :)) i know it is cornny  :))  :))  :))

[Bree]

Very sad... :(

I was not wanting to show this to everyone. Because obviously, it's pretty morbid, and

it even might be fake, it is not for the faint of heart.  It is a picture of the demise

of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed.  It shows him with his insides

now on the outside.  You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders.

The faces of the bystanders are why I believe this is real.

Don't say I didn't warn you.


http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg

[Mary]

  :))  :))  :)) bree i looked  :))  :))  :))

[Bree]

:)) :)) :)) bree i looked :)) :)) :))

Mama I looked too.... :)) :))

[Monkey]

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

[ClingFree]

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

:))

[Mary]

love that one bree  :))  :))  :)) moral to the story  :))  :))  :))

[SexySagittarian]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent  and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment,  killing him instantly.  Brought before the court, on the charge of murder,  she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
---------------------------------------------------------------
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.  "The material  we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.  Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
---------------------------------------------------------------
This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said," Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,
I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.  His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
----------------------------------------------------------------
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.  "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."  She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

[wattsmyname]

Those are too funny :)) :))

[Bree]

A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final
plateau.  If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the
million dollars.  If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover.  It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not
build its own nest, but instead lays
its eggs in the nests of other birds?  Is it

                A) the condor;

                B) the buzzard;

                C) the cuckoo; or

                D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot.  She did not know the answer.  And
she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and
her Audience Poll Lifeline.  All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not  have
to use it.  Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home
happened to be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative.  She called her friend
and gave her the question and the four choices.  The blonde responded
unhesitatingly:  "That's easy.  The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.  She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer
except the one that her friend had given her.  And
considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the
logical thing to do.  On the other hand, the blonde had responded with
such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be
persuaded.

Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.

After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to
inform you that your answer is ... absolutely correct.  You are now a
millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family
and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the
million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the
contestant.  "Because of your knowing the answer to that final
question, I am now a millionaire.  And do you want to know something? It
was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me
to go with your choice."

"You're welcome!" the blonde said. "By the way," the winner said, not
being able to contain the question anymore.  "How did you happen to know
the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde.  "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
nests...

They live in clocks."

[Bree]

        Southern women appreciate their natural assets:

                                   Soft skin
                                 
                                An easy smile

                       That unforgettable Southern drawl



                   Southern women know their manners:

                                 "Yes, ma'am."

                                  "Yes, sir."

                           "Don't you DARE...Billy!"



         Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:

                           "Y'all come back, soon!"

                           "Well, bless your heart."

                             "Call when you can."

                        "Can I get you a glass of tea?"



             Southern women know their summer weather report:

                                   Humidity

                                   Humidity

                                   Humidity



                 Southern women know their vacation spots:

                                   The beach

                                    Shopping

                             Shopping at the beach



          Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:

                                   Summer tans

                              Strapless sun dresses

                                Air conditioning



                Southern women know everybody's first name:

                                      Honey

                                      Darlin'

                                      Shugah



         Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:

                              Fried Green Tomatoes

                              Driving Miss Daisy

                              Steel Magnolias

                             Gone With The Wind



                    Southern women know their religions:

                                     Baptist

                                    Methodist

                                    Football



               Southern women know their country breakfasts:

                          Red-eye gravy & Country ham

                                     Grits

              Mouth-watering biscuits with momma's homemade jelly



       Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

                             Charleston (Chawl'stn)

                               Savannah (S'vanah)

                             New Orleans (N'orlins)

                               Atlanta (Addlanna)



                Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:

                            Men in uniform or tuxedos

                            Men who open doors for women

                            Rhett Butler, of course!



                Southern girls know their prime real estate:

                                    The Mall

                                The Country Club

                                The Beauty Salon



                 Southern girls know the four deadly sins:

                            Having bad hair and nails

                               Having bad manners

                                Cooking bad food

                             Wearing too much makeup



            Southern girls know, men may come and go, but their

                         girlfriends last fahevah!


                  If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your heart, just fake

[SI]

The bear, the rabbit and the magic frog

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.

The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop.  Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes.  You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."

The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done.

Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.

It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."

Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.

The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out hell.

[SI]

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void,
And darkness was upon the face of the deep

And the Devil said,
"It doesn't get any better than this."

And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit.
And God populated the earth
With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man,
"You want fries with that?"
And Man said,  "Super size them."
And Man gained five pounds.

And so God  created the healthful yogurt,
That Woman might keep her figure
But the Devil brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said,
"Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus?
"I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them."

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds
And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil to change
channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato,
A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and
Sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And then the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw and said,
"It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body,
While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as
Much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth
Into the land of Godiva chocolate,
And upon returning asked Man,
"Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said,
"Always tell the truth."

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man
And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

[SI]

Computer Gender

A college English professor was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What 'gender' is a computer"?

The professor wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[SI]

Driving you nuts

The male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.  Hell, we do that all the time.  It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we're aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around, just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's p****es have a mind of their own.  A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his p**** will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe.  I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up.  I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a p**** so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up.  You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there.  OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie!

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room.  Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl.  You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to  that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!